


I Haven't Given Up Hope

by SwanQueenUK



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Bisexual Characters, Complete, Cunnilingus, F/F, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Law & Order - Freeform, Lesbian Characters, Lesbian Romance, Lesbian Sex, Love, NYPD, Oral Sex, Rolivia, Work Romance, law & order SVU - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:33:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 57,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24758620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SwanQueenUK/pseuds/SwanQueenUK
Summary: COMPLETE! Working at SVU means you see the worst of humanity. Case after case, Olivia Benson has to remind herself there are good people in the world. When newbie Amanda Rollins asks her how she does so, Olivia replies "I haven't given up hope." A night after a troubling case brings these women closer together and sets them on a new path. Rolivia Romance. E for Chapters 21 and 22
Relationships: Olivia Benson/Amanda Rollins
Comments: 88
Kudos: 163





	1. Hope

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Most people who are reading this probably got an email alert that I’d published a new story and are thoroughly confused because for the past 5 years I’ve only ever written SwanQueen but … stick with me? Rolivia is a ship worth shipping! Every time I watch Season 13, Ep 11, this story resurfaces in my mind. Today, I couldn’t resist. I’ve used the lines from the show in a couple of places to kickstart the narrative. I’d love your feedback on my foray into a new show!

“Hey, can I ask you something?” Amanda asked as Olivia walked away. “How long have you been doing this job?”

The brunette turned around and let out a short huff of laughter. “Don’t ask.”

“No, just how do you trust any man?” Amanda pressed, following Olivia who had recommenced her journey back to her desk. “Ever, after working this job, day in, day out.”

The incredulity, the exasperation, the resignation in the honeyed tones of the Georgian detective were evident and Olivia realised the woman needed a glimmer of hope. She knew the feeling. There were times she too felt utter despair at the state of humanity, let alone dating. But there was always someone there to offer her some light. Her gut clenched as the memory of Elliot floated into her mind.

“I trusted my partner.” Except he betrayed me too, when he left. The words echoed in her mind, but she didn’t dare say them to Amanda. It seemed to be enough for the blonde anyway.

“Yeah, ok,” she conceded although she still looked sceptical.

“I haven’t given up hope,” Olivia reassured her younger colleague. “There are good guys still out there. And suppose I’m lucky that I get to fail at dating women, as well,” she added as an afterthought.

Turning away and heading for her desk, Olivia missed Amanda’s shocked expression which followed her. Seconds later, the blonde snapped herself back into reality and forced her mind away from her superior and towards the case. There was a rape victim still waiting for justice, and she was determined to find whichever man was responsible for her trauma.

Hours later, with the case closed, the bullpen was unexpectedly subdued. They may have solved the crime but the whole team felt stunned by the revelation, yet another example of how cruel the human race may be to one another. Deciding she had had enough of mulling over their latest arrest, Olivia got to her feet, wishing the blonde a goodnight.

“Get home safe,” Amanda calls after the retreating back of the senior detective. Olivia turned and offered a sad smile at the despondent woman before continuing her walk to the elevator. The blonde watched, unaware of the words bubbling up inside her until they spilled from her mouth. “Actually, wait up.”

Olivia turned as she pressed the down arrow and watched as Amanda hurriedly stuffed her phone into her purse, switched off her computer and grabbed her coat from the back of her chair. As the only other woman in the squad walked towards her, Olivia cocked her head to one side, curious. It had only been a few months since Detective Rollins had moved up to Manhattan and the duo didn’t know one another that well. Olivia had seen snippets of the woman, heard snatches of her former life down in Atlanta. But they were still, very definitely, colleagues. Not friends, as she was with Alex and Casey.

“Leaving too?” she asked as the elevator behind her dinged open just as Amanda arrived.

“Actually, I thought I’d walk you home. You live a few blocks away, right?”

Olivia nodded slowly. “I do but I’ve been perfectly capable of walking myself home for years.”

“I know,” Amanda conceded, stepping past Olivia and entering the elevator first. “But after the day we’ve had, I feel like I need to remind myself that there are kind people in the world. And for me, that includes doing kind things for others. Even if they don’t, you know, need me to help them.”

The older woman hesitated for a moment before walking into the elevator without another word. Amanda leaned forwards and pressed the ground floor button. Seconds later, the metal box shuddered slightly and began its descent.

The sun had already set by the time they stepped out of the precinct onto the cool New York City sidewalk. Olivia pulled her coat a little closer around her and Amanda visibly shivered.

“Not used to the cold yet?”

“I’m a southern belle,” Amanda replied, exaggerating her Georgian accent. “Which way to your place?”

“This way,” Olivia answered, pointing east. “Um, where are you staying at the moment.”

“I rent an apartment about six blocks north. It’s nice enough but I’ll probably try and find somewhere else soon. It was just a stop gap really; somewhere to move into as soon as I arrived in the city. I never even saw it before I moved in. It could have been a hellhole but the pictures were pretty accurate. How long have you been in your place?”

“About ten years. I hate moving so I try not to do it often. Plus, my place is rent controlled and I know I couldn’t afford a larger apartment this close to work.”

They walked a little further in silence. Olivia was trying to remember what she had in her fridge and whether she’d be able to scrape together a meal or resort to ordering in, which was her go-to choice for dinners anyway. She hated cooking.

“So, your old partner,” Amanda said after almost thirty seconds of silence.

Olivia looked sideways when no more words were said and saw the tentative expression on Amanda’s face. “Wow, am I really that intimidating?” she asked. “You can’t even ask a question about him?”

“I just didn’t want to pry,” Amanda said. “I mean, I could tell that you guys were close. You seemed pretty cut up about him leaving in those early days. Everyone else was saying sorry to you but that didn’t really feel right for me. So I left it. And I’ve kinda been feeling awkward about it ever since. I mean, I guess I replaced him, right? I didn’t then want to nose around into something that isn’t my business.”

“Yeah, well, there’s not much to say. It is what it is. He made his decision. He chose to move on with his life.” And left me, Olivia added to herself.

“Can I say I’m sorry now? Or is that weird?” Amanda asked.

Despite the sting of emotions which always accompanied thinking about Elliot, Olivia found herself laughing. “No, it’s not weird. Thank you, Rollins. I appreciate that.”

They turned into Olivia’s street and she began rummaging around for her keys. By the time they were outside her building, Amanda found herself wishing the walk had been longer.

“Well, thank you for walking me home, Detective Rollins,” Olivia said, keys now dangling from her fingers. “I appreciate the sentiment. Although I suppose I should now walk you to your building to make sure you get home safe. We could find ourselves trapped in a terrible loop unless one of us capitulates and just moves in with the other.”

Amanda grinned. “It’s cool. I’ve got my gun. I don’t need a chaperone.”

“I could have said exactly the same to you in the precinct,” Olivia pointed out. “And I would advise not walking down the street with your weapon out by the way. Not sure if you’ve heard but the NYPD has a rightly deserved image problem at the moment. My partner, in fact, is part of the reason why.”

“Really?” Amanda asked. She’d heard whispers about the mysterious Elliot Stabler. Too many shootings. Too many excessive force complaints in his jacket. Too hot headed. She had to be honest, the guy sounded like a jerk. But he couldn’t have been. If he was someone Olivia held in such high esteem, the man had to have been good, right? Because Olivia was good. No, scrap that, Olivia was one of the best people Amanda had ever met. Well, putting aside the bitchy first few weeks.

“El sometimes struggled to control his emotions,” Olivia said after a pause. Amanda realised it was the first time the woman had said his name in her presence. “Working this job can get to you and much as it pains me to say it, perhaps stepping away was the right thing for him. His judgement was off towards the end, had been for a while. And maybe it’s good to have some fresh blood in the squad. I’m glad you requested the transfer, Rollins. You’re a good addition. Amaro too.”

The blonde beamed. “Really?”

Olivia rolled her eyes. “You know you are. Stop fishing for compliments. You’re a good cop. Good instincts. You’ll do well here. Just, keep your head down, keep learning. And maybe stay away from Nick.”

At that, Amanda frowned. “Nick? What do you mean?”

“Look, it’s none of my business,” Olivia said, trying to backtrack. She didn’t want to get involved with office gossip. It wasn’t her scene.

“No, go on, please. Why should I stay away from Nick?”

“Well, he’s married, for one,” Olivia began. “And -”

“Woah, you think I’m interested in Nick?” Amanda interrupted, eyes blown wide when she realised what Olivia was alluding to.

“Well, it was more Nick’s interest in you I was sensing to begin with. But he’s cute. I can’t imagine you don’t think he’s attractive, do you?”

Amanda couldn’t help but chuckle. “I mean, objectively, yes, he’s an attractive man. But I’m gay, Liv. So even if Nick does like me that way, I ain’t gonna be the one breaking up his marriage.”

Olivia blinked several times, shocked. She was usually excellent at reading people. Amanda might have been new to the precinct but she had never entertained the thought that the woman might not be straight. Why, now she came to think of it, she had no idea.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realise,” Olivia said after a moment. “Please, forget I said anything.”

“Consider it forgotten. Although I am tempted to tell Nick. He’ll think it’s hilarious. He could tell I was batting for the other side from the first time we rolled together.”

“Perhaps I’m losing my touch,” Olivia mused.

“Perhaps you are.”

Olivia regarded the woman in front of her for a moment. The streetlamps were bright overhead, the harsh light bouncing off platinum blonde. Under the woman’s gaze, Amanda stuffed her hands into her coat pockets, suddenly feeling as if she was being scrutinized. The faintest blush appeared on her high, pale cheekbones.

“I’ve got a bottle of wine inside.”

While she heard the words crystal clear, it took a moment for Olivia to realise she had been the person to speak them.

“Oh, um, I like wine,” Amanda replied, a shy smile on her lips.

Realising that her unintended invitation had been accepted, the brunette somehow managed to act normal. “Great, we can order take out,” she said, turning to unlock the first door into the apartment building. “Chinese, Mexican, Sushi.”

“I could murder a pizza,” Amanda said as she followed Olivia into the building.


	2. Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you for the initial interest in this story. I have been a fan of SVU for years and have seen every episode at least 5 times, series 13 > present countless more, of course! However, let me just preface this chapter by saying that I agree with recent observations that the Law and Order franchise has played its part in idolising the police and that in the current climate, I do not wish to contribute to this. I am British and our police service here reflects the structural racism across most institutions in this country which are mirrored in the US. My story will centre around Olivia and Amanda, with little to no reference to specific cases or the police, outside of what is necessary to advance their relationship. With that said, on we go.

Amanda wasn’t sure what she was expecting when she stepped through the door into Olivia’s apartment but it wasn’t what she saw. As the brunette set her keys and handbag down on the side table, Amanda looked around the space, gawping. 

“It’s not much, but it’s home,” Olivia said, turning to see the younger woman taking in her apartment. 

“It’s amazing, Liv,” Amanda said, walking over to look out of the floor to ceiling window which overlooked the city. They were only on the seventh floor but due to the lower buildings on the streets beyond, Olivia’s apartment had a stunning view. Beyond the silhouettes of buildings several streets over, the darkening sky still held the pale pink warmth of the sun. 

Olivia had made her way to stand beside the blonde. “Yes, I suppose I can’t complain.”

Looking sideways at her superior, Amanda let out a short laugh. “This is the nicest apartment I’ve seen in this city. If you describe this as ‘not much’, I’m never inviting you back to mine.”

“Don’t say that,” Olivia chastised. “I’m sure your place is great.”

“It’s nothing compared to this,” Amanda said, shrugging out of her coat as she grew accustomed to the temperature inside the apartment, the bite of the winter New York streets left far below them. 

Taking her guest’s coat, Olivia asked Amanda’s wine preference and then set about pouring out two generous glasses of red. After the week they’d had, both women deserved a little indulgence.

As she busied herself in the kitchen, Amanda settled on the couch, unclipping her gun from her hip and tossing both it and her shield onto the coffee table. She always felt a little lighter when she shucked the equipment; the pressure and responsibility abated for a time. When she put them on each morning, she felt empowered but she couldn’t deny it was often a relief to shed them at the end of a long shift. 

“Here you go,” Olivia said, passing Amanda her glass and setting her own on the coffee table before retreating to collect the bowl of olives which she’d managed to source from the depths of her fridge at a vague attempt at nibbles. Her cupboards were well and truly bare. 

“Thanks,” Amanda said. “Cheers.”

The sides of their glasses tapped lightly together, both women taking a generous gulp of the crimson liquid. Olivia pursed her lips a little as she swirled the wine around the glass.

“Consider yourself a sommelier, do you?” Amanda asked, watching the action. 

“I know what I like,” Olivia shrugged. “I wouldn’t say I was an expert but this one needs to breathe a little.” She leaned forwards, placing her glass on a coaster and instead picking up the olives. She handed the bowl to Amanda first who took one and popped it into her mouth. 

“I’m far less sophisticated,” Amanda said once she’d swallowed. “White or red, beer, spirits. I’ll drink anything you serve me.”

“Cheap date, huh?” Olivia teased. 

Amanda grinned broadly. “And proud of it. I don’t need someone to splash the cash to woo me. Just treat me good and be honest, that’s all I ask.”

“So, if it’s not too personal a question,” Olivia began and with a nod from Amanda, continued, “are you ‘out’ at work? I mean, I know I didn’t know before this evening but that’s on me. I’ve been in my own little world since Elliot left. You said Nick knows. Did you tell him?”

“I don’t try to hide it,” Amanda replied. “If it comes up, I’ll tell people. It’s not something I announce out of the blue but only because I don’t think it’s anyone’s business and I’d feel that if I was dating men or women. Nick and I were drinking one evening after work and I starting flirting with some chick at the bar. That’s why he knows. I told Fin when he mentioned Ken. Now you. If Cragen or Munch asked, I’d tell them too but so far, our work relationships haven’t covered sexuality. What about you? Do people know you’re bisexual?”

“Yes, but like you, it was never an announcement. I try and keep my work and personal lives separate although I must admit I’ve failed to do so far too often. You’d think I’d learn since none of those relationships have ended well. But when you work as much as we do, I guess office romances are inevitable.”

Amanda nodded her agreement slowly at that. There was a question on the tip of her tongue but she decided against asking it, at least not yet.

“So, you dodged the question earlier. How long have you been working SVU?”

“Urgh, I hate thinking about this. It makes me feel so old!”

“You’re not old,” Amanda protested. 

“Compared to you I am,” Olivia pointed out. “You’re, what, twenty-six?”

“Thanks for the flattery. I know you know exactly how old I am.”

Olivia frowned. “How would I know that?”

“Are you going to deny looking into my service record? Come on, Liv. A cop like you needs to know who’s joined her squad. I know you looked me up and went through my file.”

Olivia had the good grace to blush. “Sorry, I just … you’re right, I need to know who I’m working with. I need to know I can trust those who are around me.”

“And, can you?”

“I think so,” Olivia nodded. “You came with glowing recommendations. You certainly made an impression down in Georgia. Atlanta PD seems to have lost a great cop. But their loss is our gain. And for the record, I might have looked you up but I can’t remember your birthday. So saying you were twenty-six wasn’t flattery, it was an honest guess.”

“Well, you go right to the top of my favourite colleague list,” Amanda beamed. “I’m thirty-two next year.”

“Out of interest, who was at the top of your favourite colleague list before I bumped them off the top?”

Amanda laughed and took another glug of wine. “Now that would be telling, Detective.”

The fluttering in Olivia’s stomach at the use of her title made the woman shift slightly on the couch, uncrossing her legs and reaching for her wine which had been sat for five minutes now. She drank from it once more, noting as she did that the flavours had opened up thanks to the aeration.

“So, are you going to tell me how long you’ve been at SVU or am I going to have to guess?”

“Almost fifteen years,” Olivia admitted. “Most of my career. I moved a couple of years after making detective.”

“And I know it’s rude to ask a lady her age,” Amanda pressed gently. 

“I’d hardly call myself a lady. I joined when I was thirty. I’ll be turning forty-five next week,” Olivia said.

“Oh, are you having a party?” Amanda asked, eyes lighting up in excitement. 

Olivia rolled her eyes at the juvenile display. “I may not be a lady but I’m not a kid either. I don’t do birthday celebrations.”

“Aw come on, it’ll be fun. We can go out for a meal, drinks. Do you have a favourite place in New York?”

“It’s really not my thing, Amanda. I don’t want to celebrate my birthday.”

“Don’t be such a spoilsport. We can get the squad together, have some cocktails -”

“I said no.”

Pale blue eyes widened at the snapped words. Olivia’s lips pursed but she ducked her head, clearly embarrassed at the way she had reacted. 

“I’m sorry,” Amanda said after a moment’s silence. “I didn’t mean to push you. It’s your birthday, of course we don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to.”

Olivia sighed and placed her wine glass on the table. “No, I’m sorry. I know you didn’t mean anything by it. I shouldn’t have bitten your head off. Just, birthdays weren’t really a big deal in our house. My mom never made a fuss about my birthday and so I don’t either. Plus, it’s so close to Christmas it feels like there are already endless parties going on. I don’t want to add another obligation to people’s busy schedules.”

“Ok, I get it,” Amanda said quietly. “But, for the record, I wouldn’t see a drink with you for your birthday as an obligation. I’d see it as an honour. Just so you know.”

The two women fell quiet again. Amanda was reticent to start another conversation. There was something in the way the woman had reacted which reminded her that she didn’t know the brunette well at all yet. And while she wanted to get to know her superior, she didn’t want to cross a professional boundary and she certainly didn’t want to push. So she backed off, ceding the conversation to Olivia. 

Meanwhile, Olivia was lost in memories of her childhood birthdays. Tears, screaming, empty bottles thrown across the room. While for most children their birthdays were an annual celebration, hers was mired in pain. For Olivia’s mother, the thirteenth of December memorialised not the birth of her daughter but the trauma of her sexual assault. Marking it with balloons and cake was never an option and for the most part, Olivia’s birthdays had passed with a handful of presents and barely a mention. Even over a decade after her mother’s death, she couldn’t find it in herself to celebrate.

“Um, do you want to order take out?” Olivia asked when she realised that Amanda hadn’t spoken in close to a minute.

“Sure. What do you fancy?”

“You mentioned pizza? That’s fine with me,” Olivia replied. “There’s a great place around the corner, I’ll pull up the menu.”

The next five minutes were spent deliberating over which toppings to order, acting as a conversational amuse-bouche. By the time she’d submitted the payment via the delivery app, Olivia had almost forgotten about the mention of her birthday. 

Pouring them both more wine, Olivia also toed off her boots and stacked them neatly in the corner.

“You can get changed if you want,” Amanda offered as Olivia readjusted her belt which had been digging lightly into her hip.

“Excuse me?”

“Into something more comfortable,” she clarified. “We’re off duty, right? If you wanna get changed, I can entertain myself for five minutes.”

“Are you sure? Do you want to borrow some sweats or something too?”

“Nah, I’m good thanks. But you go ahead.”

Olivia nodded and headed to her bedroom, leaving Amanda alone to peruse her living room. As she was rummaging through her closet in just her underwear, Olivia felt a tingle of panic. What should she wear? Usually after a long case she’d get home and change into her ratty old yoga pants and an oversized hoodie to curl up in front of the TV. But something made her hesitate. She didn’t want to wear such an outfit in front of Amanda. Why, she wasn’t sure. But instead she reached for some soft jeans and pulled a white tank, then a knitted sweater over her head. Still comfy but much more presentable than her usual attire. 

With her discarded work clothes tossed into the laundry hamper, she returned to the lounge, tucking her hair behind her ears and nothing as she did so that it was longer than it had been in years.

“Are you snooping?” she asked when she spotted the blonde.

Amanda shot back from the bookshelf along which she had been trailing a finger, pale cheeks flushing beet red. “No!” she protested even though the smile on Olivia’s face told her the superior detective was teasing her. “Just looking. I left most of my books back at my mama’s house. Haven’t got much time to read up here but I miss my books.”

“Borrow anything you like,” Olivia offered, sitting back down on the couch and curling her legs underneath her. She was suddenly grateful that Amanda had suggested she change into something more comfortable. It did make a real difference. 

“You read a lot?”

“I try,” Olivia nodded. “But it’s hard with our hours, right?”

“Yeah, I wish I could read more. Sometimes on my day off I don’t even leave my bed except to take my dog for a walk and just lie under the covers and read and read and read.”

Ignoring the image of Amanda snuggled in bed with a book which her brain oh so helpfully supplied, Olivia asked; “you have a dog?”

“Yeah, Frannie. She’s a rescue. I’ve had her for about four months now. Got her just after I moved up here. It’s nice to have her to come home to. I hate returning to an empty apartment.” Olivia’s face fell just as Amanda stuttered to cover her mistake. “I mean, I don’t mean like … it’s different for me. I’m new to the city. No friends. No family. I just -”

“I get it,” Olivia interrupted, putting the woman out of her misery. “I don’t like coming home to an empty apartment either. Sometimes I think that’s why I work so much. Ironically, when I am in a relationship, I can’t seem to pull back and that’s usually what leads to the break up. Almost forty-five years on this earth and I still don’t think I’ve mastered the dating scene.”

“Me neither,” Amanda replied. “But I haven’t given up hope that I’ll get it right one day.”

At the echo of her own words earlier in the precinct, Olivia couldn’t help but smile. 

“I’m sure you’ll meet someone soon,” she said. 

“How? I’m always at work and you just said yourself that workplace romances always end badly.”

“Maybe. But maybe I’ve not given up hope that things will change,” Olivia replied, her eyes lingering for a moment too long on those piercing blue eyes before she reached for her wine and took another healthy swig.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I hope you’re enjoying it. I’ve got loads of completed AU fics for SwanQueen. You don’t need to have watched OUAT to read any of them and none of the big ones (they all have alliterative titles) are based in a magical world – just good old fashioned US of A (or Britain)!


	3. Assault

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Quick trigger warning here for references of attempted sexual assault (Season 9, Episode 15 if you’re interested).

Thirty minutes later and the buzzer interrupted the women’s reminiscence about their latest case. Both still reeling from the revelation and saddened by the betrayal they had experienced, Olivia drained her glass of wine before getting to her feet to let the delivery person inside. In her absence from the couch, Amanda set about refilling their empty glasses, only to discover that the bottle of wine had been finished. 

“There’s more in the cupboard beside the fridge,” Olivia said as she spotted their predicament.

Amanda grinned and hopped off the seat, making her way into Olivia’s kitchen and taking a cursory look around before setting out to find the wine. It didn’t take her long to locate the senior detective’s not insignificant stash of mostly red wines. Her eyes widened as she took in the array before her. She was lucky if there was a lone bottle of beer in her fridge and she only had wine in the house for occasions. 

With no knowledge of wines to guide her, Amanda reached for the first bottle she could see, figuring any which Olivia was keeping for a special occasion would be stacked neatly at the back. A final, appreciative glance at the collection and the blonde closed the cupboard, picking up the discarded corkscrew on the counter and opening the bottle. 

By the time she returned to the living room, the pizza box was being carefully arranged on the elegant coffee table so as not to allow the piping hot contents to spill onto the floor. 

“Oh, that smells amazing,” Amanda said as she filled their wine glasses. 

“It’s a great pizzeria. That’s one of the things I love most about Manhattan; the food is out of this world.”

“Can’t argue with you there. Atlanta had some decent joints, but nothing compared to this city. I’m slowly making my way through various recommendations from Fin and Nick. If I don’t stop soon, I’m gonna have to be buying a whole new wardrobe.”

With that, Amanda patted her non-existent stomach. Olivia rolled her eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous. You’re tiny. I, on the other hand.” Olivia now grimaced at the mound of melted cheese they were about to dive into.

“You’ve got a great figure, Liv,” Amanda said at once. “Anyway, listen to us. Two women, healthy and happy in their lives, sitting around complaining about our bodies. It’s so wrong! I’m sorry I brought it up. Let’s eat; we’ve both earned it and we deserve a treat.”

After a moment, Olivia nodded and took her place beside the blonde. “You’re right. We’re being stupid. We’re fit and able-bodied. We can’t complain. But I can’t help but compare myself to how I was when I first joined SVU, you know? Sometimes I shock myself with how much I’ve changed. My fitness has dropped in recent years, even though I try and keep it up with gym sessions.”

“Liv, that’s totally normal. You’re older but you’re wiser and more experienced and better able to help survivors. Who cares if you can’t chase down a perp as often as you used to? That’s why you’ve got Nick or me with you. We’ll be your legs; you be the brain.”

Olivia chuckled and reached for her first slice. “I’ll take that exchange.”

Amanda, who had already taken her first bite, moaned in appreciation as the flavour of the pizza exploded in her mouth. It also reminded her that she hadn’t eaten for hours. And had been drinking on an empty stomach. “Oh this is so good. I don’t even care about my waistline any more. I could eat this pizza and die happy.”

“Well, I’m in agreement with you but please don’t die right now.”

“Oh yeah? Why not?”

“So much paperwork,” Olivia said through a mouthful of pizza.

Amanda caught her eye and giggled. Olivia laughed too, taking a sip from her freshly topped up wine glass. “Oh, good choice,” she said, looking with admiration at the bottle Amanda had placed on the edge of the coffee table. 

“I mean, thanks but I just grabbed the first bottle I saw. You’ve got quite the collection.”

“I like a variety,” Olivia agreed. “It’s the only part of my kitchen which is well stocked. You can always count on me to have wine rather than ingredients for a proper meal. I’m not exactly cooking up a storm in there most nights.”

“Me neither. I don’t have the time or the energy to cook. Take out suits me just fine. And a run in the morning means I don’t feel too guilty.”

“Do you run every day?” Olivia asked.

Amanda, who was now tucking into her second slice, nodded. “Mostly. It depends on work but as long as a case doesn’t go too late or interrupt my morning, I can usually squeeze one in either before or after work. It helps me clear my head. Plus, I’ve always taken comfort in the fact that I’m quick. It’s reassuring when I’m out late at night, alone.”

“I get that,” Olivia nodded. “Fight or flight. I think I’d always presumed I would be a fighter. Even though I know there’s a third option, to freeze. Given my training, I always assumed if I found myself in a dangerous position, I’d be able to put up a good fight.”

Amanda chewed her mouthful slowly, taking in what Olivia said. “But that wasn’t what happened?”

This time it was Olivia’s turn to pause. She finished her mouthful and put her half-eaten slice back on the greasy cardboard in front of her. Her mind drifted, unbidden, back to that dark space deep in the bowels of the prison. It was an experience she tried not to think about but which her subconscious served up far too often for her liking. Not a month went by when Olivia didn’t jolt awake from a nightmare, tangled in her sheets and soaked in sweat, the face of the officer lingering on her retinas.

“No, I did try to fight back,” she said quietly. “It kicked in to try and get away but at first I did comply. I could tell myself I was just upholding my undercover persona, but I think it was more than that. I did what he said. Plus I was cuffed so I couldn’t do much anyway. But I did try to fight and I even got away. But when he … when he overpowered me, I gave up. I knew it was no use to fight any more. I knew if I did, he’d just hurt me even more. I remembered what I’ve said to so many people throughout my career; that they did what they were supposed to and survived. That’s what I realised I needed to do. Survive.”

A long, heavy silence filled the apartment. The pizza, half-eaten, lay forgotten on the coffee table. Amanda didn’t know what to say. She was used to talking to survivors of sexual assault, but this was different. This was Olivia Benson. The woman she’d looked up to, whose career she’d admired from afar. Not that she felt that admiration diminish at all in light of this confession. But she had no idea how she should react. As her colleague, as a detective, as a friend. Because this was the Olivia Benson! And now she sat before her, vulnerable and raw, confessing a trauma and Amanda knew only too well how it felt to conceal and then admit a sexual assault. What was she supposed to say?

“I’m so sorry, Olivia,” she murmured eventually. “I’m sorry that happened to you.”

“Oh, I mean, nothing really happened. Fin got there, just before he … well, he didn’t do anything to me aside from beat me up. Nothing happened. He didn’t assault me.”

“Olivia, I don’t know exactly what happened to you but from what you’ve told me, that was assault,” Amanda said softly.

But Olivia shook her head, reaching for more wine, splashing it carelessly into the glass, spilling several drops onto the table. “It wasn’t. I wasn’t raped.”

“Ok but it was still a violent sexual assault. Even if there was no,” Amanda hesitated before using a clinical term since their conversation seemed to have moved beyond the realm of work and towards something else, “penetration, it was still assault.”

The brunette shrugged. “Whatever, it’s in the past. It’s done. He didn’t succeed. I guess I just thought I’d have more fight in me, that I’d be able to stop it getting that far.”

“Yeah, well, I thought I’d have more flight in me,” Amanda said back, bitterness evident in her tone.

Olivia looked up, sensing an opening into a conversation she’d wanted to have for weeks, ever since the blonde slip her own experiences in that cold hospital corridor. “You said a while ago that something happened to you on the job. Was it … assault?”

At that, Amanda let out a scoff of incredulity. “Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

Realisation dawned on Olivia as she saw the blonde reach for more pizza. “You were raped.”

The words lingered in the air long after they’d faded from their speaker’s lips. Beneath her ribs, Amanda felt her heartbeat quicken, the way it always did when that term was said in relation to her own experiences. She could feel her anxiety rising, throat dry, blood pounding in her ears as images flashed into her mind. She had to get out of there. She had to be alone. She couldn’t think about it. She couldn’t talk about it. She couldn’t acknowledge it. It didn’t happen. 

With a wet slap, the slice of pizza which Amanda had chosen but forgotten about fell back to its box. “It’s late, I should go.”

Getting to her feet, Amanda made her way to the coat rack and began to shrug on her heavy winter coat before Olivia had even reacted.

“Amanda, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything. You don’t have to leave.”

“It’s late,” Amanda said, flicking her long blonde hair out from beneath the collar of her coat. “Frannie needs a walk. Thanks for the pizza, Liv. Tonight was … great.”

Olivia, who was on her feet too at this point, made her way over to the woman who was now clipping her gun and shield back onto her waistband. 

“Amanda, I’m sorry,” Olivia said again. “Let me at least call you a cab. It’s dark and the least I can do is make sure you get home safe. After all, that’s how this evening started out, right?”

“I’ll be fine. It’s only a few blocks,” Amanda said, stubbornly. 

“Rollins,” Olivia scolded, using her surname as a gentle reminder of her superiority when it came to the detective in a work situation. “Don’t be silly, I’ll call you a cab. It’ll only take a few minutes.”

“I said no.”

Olivia’s brown eyes widened at the snapped words, her fingers hovering over the illuminated screen of her phone. “Amanda -”

“Bye, Liv,” the blonde said, opening the door as she spoke. “Thanks for the pizza. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Before she could say another word, Olivia was left in her apartment, alone, with only the echo of the door slamming shut and her confused thoughts about how their evening had taken such a turn for company.

Two minutes later, on the street outside Olivia’s building, Amanda swiped angrily at the hot tears which rolled down her cheeks before setting off towards her own apartment, coat pulled tight against the cold night air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: reviews are love!


	4. Sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hi all. I hope you’ve had a great week. Thanks once again for all of the wonderful feedback on this story.

Before the elevator doors had even dinged open, Amanda felt her cheeks redden. As soon as the initial spark of defensiveness and indignation had faded the previous evening, those emotions had been replaced by embarrassment. Her reaction had caused her to bring to an end the first time she and her superior colleague had socialised outside of work. They had been enjoying one another’s companies, getting closer, sharing secrets … until it was Amanda’s turn to show just a little vulnerability and she shut down. It wasn’t the first time she’d reacted to such probing the way she had in front of Olivia. But it was the first time she regretted her flaring emotions.

So she stepped out of the elevator cart, red-faced and dreading the day. But the bullpen was empty, delaying at least for a while, the inevitable moment when she had to face Detective Benson. Sitting in front of her desk, she fired up her computer and checked her emails to see if the lab results she had been waiting on from a case had come back. They hadn’t, so she drew towards her the pile of paperwork which she had been putting off for far too long.

She had barely made a dent in it, however, when a cup of coffee appeared beside her. Looking up in surprise, she found herself locking eyes with the woman she had spent the night thinking of.

“Oh, hi,” Amanda said, sitting back in her chair.

“Good morning. I bought you coffee,” Olivia said, gesturing to the cup on the blonde’s desk.

Amanda nodded slowly. “I can see that. Um, thanks.”

“You’re welcome. Consider it a peace offering.”

Thin blonde eyebrows raised. “A peace offering?”

“After last night,” Olivia pressed on, noting the immediate flush which bloomed across Amanda’s high cheekbones, “I crossed a line. I pressed you and I’m sorry. You’d think I’d have learned after fifteen years to back off. But I didn’t and that was my mistake. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable and I really am sorry. Can we just forget it ever happened?”

There was a tense silence for a moment as Amanda processed the words. But then she smiled and nodded, reaching out to take the coffee. “It’s fine,” she said after taking a sip. “No need to apologise. And I’m sorry too, for running out like that. I just … it had been a long day. I needed some sleep.”

“Me too,” Olivia replied. “Although I have to admit I found it hard to get to sleep when you hadn’t texted me back.”

At that, Amanda felt another wave of embarrassment. Olivia had texted her shortly after she walked through her apartment door, asking the blonde to let her know that she was home safely. Still defensive, Amanda hadn’t answered immediately and it wasn’t until she was lying in bed, half an hour later, that she finally sent a cursory ‘home safe’ to the brunette.

“Thanks for checking in on me.”

“Of course. We’ve got to look out for one another, right? That’s what last night was all about.”

“True. And thanks for last night, I had a great time. I mean, until …” There was no need for the blonde to vocalise at what point for her the evening turned sour.

“Me too. We should do it again some time,” Olivia offered.

But before the women could continue their conversation, their captain entered the bullpen and announced that he needed the two of them to head to the scene of a sexual assault on a runner in Central Park. Both women were on their feet and heading towards the elevator, the possibility of a second pizza night pushed from their minds. Well, almost.

“Hey, just so you know,” Olivia said as she pressed the down button to summon the elevator, “that stuff I mentioned last night that happened to me on the job, I don’t really talk about that day at work. I mean, Fin was there but no one else really knows, not the details anyway. So I’d appreciate it if you didn’t, you know, spread it around.”

“I would never do that,” Amanda said solemnly.

Olivia smiled shyly at the woman beside her. “I know you wouldn’t. I just, well, I thought I’d just say something anyway. And, for the record, I hope you trust me too. You know, if …”

The elevator arriving and delivering several uniformed officers in front of the women forced the conversation to come to an end. Olivia was silently grateful for the people who spilled out, giving her an excuse to step away from Amanda as she allowed them to pass. By the time they reconvened and began their journey to the ground floor, it was safe to start a new topic rather than continue to dig the hole she had somehow found herself in once more. Whatever had happened to Amanda Rollins in Atlanta, it was clear she wasn’t ready to open up. And it wasn’t Olivia’s job to push.

* * *

It was several days later that work finally slowed down and permitted the overworked SVU squad the night off. Captain Cragen dismissed his team, shutting down any arguments that there was still some outstanding paperwork. Two intense cases, back to back, had left all of his detectives exhausted and he knew there was no value in keeping them there a second longer.

“Go,” he said firmly, anticipating resistance from his workaholic squad. “I want you all out of here in five minutes and I don’t want to see any of you back here before midday tomorrow. Take the morning. Spend time with your families,” he nodded directly at Nick as he said that, “and come back recharged. You’ve all done great work these past few days. You deserve a break.”

Olivia was usually the detective who most fiercely resisted these occasional orders to take some time but even she was more than happy to leave. The job got to her every now and then. Sure, there was nothing else she could imagine herself doing as a career but that didn’t mean that it was easy. The brutal cases took their toll, especially when coupled with a lack of sleep. Snatched hours in the breakroom had been all that had sustained her since the latest case landed on her desk. Now, she wanted nothing more than to go home, collapse in front of the TV and drink a large glass of wine.

All around her, her colleagues were packing up without protest too. Emotional exhaustion suddenly swept over the group. Shutting down her computer, Olivia picked up the empty coffee mug and carried it through to the break room. As she was washing it up, Amanda appeared beside her, waiting to do the same task.

“Long week,” Olivia said as she moved aside and picked up a tea towel.

Amanda nodded, rinsing her cup under the warm water. “I’m so tired. All I want to do is curl up in my bed, but I know Frannie is going to be climbing the walls. I’ll have to take her round the park otherwise she won’t leave me alone.”

“Do you have a dog walker?” Olivia asked. To be honest, she never quite understood why people chose to own dogs in Manhattan, and it wasn’t just because she was more of a cat person.

“I do but she comes in the morning to give Frannie a long walk and then she just takes her around the block in the afternoon. I usually give her an hour or so after work but the last couple of days I’ve barely been home. I feel bad; it’s not her fault my job takes over my life sometimes. So I’ll drag myself out before my couch starts to look too tempting.”

Cups clean, the two women were now walking back to their respective desks together. As Olivia was shrugging on her coat, she found herself offering the blonde the opportunity for something which had been lingering ever since their pizza night earlier in the week. “Do you want company?”

Amanda raised her eyebrows. “You wanna come walk my dog with me?”

“Well, I’m not a fan of dogs,” Olivia admitted. “But I could use some fresh air. And some exercise. Plus, it’s dark outside; aren’t we supposed to be looking out for each other? The thought of you walking around a park late at night pretty much goes against our common sense and our experience on the job, right?”

“You’ve not met Frannie,” Amanda chuckled. “No one would dare attack me with her around.”

At that, Olivia felt her heart quicken as she started to think she’d invited herself to walk a vicious dog. But Amanda recognised the fear in the woman’s eyes and quickly reassured her that Frannie was protective rather than aggressive and that Olivia wasn’t in any danger.

“Although I don’t need your chivalry,” Amanda grinned, “you’re welcome to join us. Then maybe I can repay you for the wine and dinner we had. Although, I’ve gotta warn you that my apartment is nothing like as nice as yours. And I definitely don’t have any wine in the house. But I have beer?”

“Beer sounds great,” Olivia replied, suddenly no longer feeling quite as exhausted as she had done when Cragen dismissed them.

The two women waved to Nick who was still packing up his desk. Fin was long gone, having ducked out less than thirty seconds after their captain had made his announcement. Not for the first time, Olivia wondered where that man went when he wasn’t on shift. She considered herself close to Fin but she had to admit she knew very little about his home life.

Outside on the gloomy New York street, a fine drizzle had started up. Amanda wrinkled her nose and offered Olivia the chance to rescind her offer. Dog walking when you’re not a fan of dogs is one thing. Dog walking in the rain when you’re not a fan of dogs is something else. But Olivia insisted she wanted to come so the duo set off, walking in sync down the sidewalk towards Amanda’s building.

Olivia was intrigued to see where the blonde lived. If she knew little about Fin, she knew less about Amanda. With the exception of their meal earlier in the week, she had barely spoken to the blonde about anything other than work. She still didn’t know what had made the woman request a transfer from Atlanta to New York. There had been no mention of her family. She didn’t know if Amanda had any siblings or whether her parents were still alive. The blonde was an enigma and Olivia had started to realised that she wanted to uncover the truth which lay behind those bright blue eyes.

“This is me,” Amanda said as they reached a narrow walk up. The property didn’t look particularly secure, but Olivia noticed that the street itself looked well cared for and had a number of businesses and restaurants along it, all of which appeared to be successful and busy. It was the quiet, dark streets which posed the greatest threats. Even though, Olivia reminded herself, Amanda Rollins was hardly a vulnerable woman. Although she knew better than most that anyone could become a victim, she suspected Amanda was more than ready to defend herself against a threat.

On the third floor landing, Amanda paused and dug in the pocket of her coat for her keys. On the other side of the nearest door, Olivia could hear the scratch of claws against wood.

“She knows my footsteps,” Amanda explained as she slid the sliver of metal into the lock.

As soon as the door slid open, a mass of ginger fur launched itself at Amanda, pink tongue slobbering anywhere it could reach. Olivia watched, half disgusted, half heart-warmed, as Amanda wrapped her arms around the dog which appeared to be hugging her back, standing on its hind legs to greet its owner.

“Down, girl,” she chuckled when the most enthusiastic welcoming was over, causing the dog to immediately return all four feet to the floor and then switch its brown eyes to the unfamiliar person. “Frannie, this is Olivia. She’s the one I’ve been telling you all about.”

Once again, Olivia found herself torn. She felt herself blush a little at the comment itself but this feeling combined with the ridiculous notion that Amanda talked to her dog. About her, though.

“Hi Frannie,” Olivia said, knowing it was worthless to wait for the dog to greet her verbally. Frannie did, however, pad across the hallway and sniff Olivia’s hand before giving the skin a tentative lick.

“See, you’re already friends,” Amanda grinned. “She’s got great instincts. She knows who’s good and who’s bad So, I was gonna grab her leash and head straight out. Gets it out of the way. Is that ok with you?”

“Sure,” Olivia nodded.

With that, Amanda reached inside the door and unhooked the red leash hanging there. Seconds later, it was clipped onto Frannie’s collar and the two women were walking back down the stairs, accompanied by an eager four-legged friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The only time we ever see Amanda out with Frannie is in the episode with William Lewis, I think. She needs to be a bigger part of the show! Also, I love cats and dogs, just saying!


	5. Walk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Happy Tuesday, wonderful SVU fans!

Outside on the street once more, the rain had lessened to a fine drizzle. Frannie didn’t mind and was already eagerly sniffing the ground, looking for the optimal place to pee. 

“So, which way?” Olivia asked, flicking up the hood of her coat to prevent her hair from turning into a fluffy mess. 

But before Amanda could answer, Frannie pulled on her leash, indicating to both women which direction their walk was to take. As they fell into step, Amanda tugged her dog back to heal which Frannie obeyed at once now that she knew her outdoor adventure was underway. 

“I just take her down to the park at the end of the block. It’s fenced in so I can let her off and she won’t be able to run into traffic. I mean, she’s really good at coming back when I call but I still worry that if she sees a squirrel or a cat that she’ll just run off and I’ll never be able to catch her.”

“Cats and squirrels, huh?” Olivia grinned, peering past Amanda to look at the dog walking obediently by her owner’s side. “Sometimes I guess we forget that they’re wild animals. They’ve got such base instincts, haven’t they?”

“And great instincts about people too. I’m convinced that Frannie would know if someone was guilty better than a jury most of the time.”

“Are you suggesting we replace the criminal justice system with dogs?” Olivia asked, teasingly.

“I mean, it’d be cheaper, right? And more accurate. Although, I have to admit, Frannie and her canine jury members may not be able to tell exactly which crime the person had committed, unless the K9 unit was involved to offer supporting evidence. I think dogs work more on a good or bad vibe. So if someone had done something bad, Frannie would send them down. Only problem is, it might not have been the crime they were accused of. They’d be guilty of something, just maybe not … well, that specific crime.”

Olivia chuckled. “It sounds like a great theoretical alternative to a system which clearly doesn’t work but I can see a few holes. While I think most people would like the idea of a furry jury, the general public would be less enthused by the idea of people being sent to jail on the hunch of a pooch that the person had done something bad at some point in their life.”

“I see your point. It may be flawed. But we can work on it, right?”

Amanda grinned at her walking buddy as she reached the entrance to the park. Bending down, she unclipped Frannie’s leash and draped the thin strip of material around her neck as the dog bounded off across the grass. 

“You know, I’ve never been in this park,” Olivia remarked as they set off round the perimeter. “I’ve lived in the city all my life and I’ve walked past it so many times but never thought to come in.”

“One of the perks of having a dog,” Amanda said, watching as Frannie greeted a Labrador. “You are forced to explore all of the green spaces in the city. It’s an excuse or a reason to be outside too. I know we live in one of the most densely populated cities in the world but there are some great parks and Frannie gives me an excuse to spend time in them.”

While she could see the appeal and the reasoning, Olivia decided she’d just make a promise to herself to spend more time taking in the local parks rather than getting a dog herself. This was a decision she quickly came to as she watched Amanda make her way across the grass to pick up the dog poop Frannie had left for her owner to deal with. Olivia wasn’t squeamish when it came to crime scenes but the idea of scooping up dog shit made her stomach roil. 

“Sorry ‘bout that,” Amanda said when she re-joined Olivia after depositing the bag in a nearby trash can. 

“No problem. It’s important to be a responsible dog owner, especially in such a crowded city, as you say.”

“Dog mess is gross,” Amanda confirmed. “And on that note, let’s change the subject.”

The two women completed three circuits of the park, Frannie regularly appearing at their sides to check in and remind them that she was present. Conversation flowed between them, covering the cases which they had dealt with that week at work. But by the time they returned to Amanda's apartment building, Olivia was tired of talking shop.

“What do you want for dinner?” she asked as she followed the blonde inside.

“Well, I would offer to cook us something but there are two problems with that.”

“And those problems are?”

“My fridge is completely empty,” Amanda said as she checked her mailbox, having forgotten to do so on their way up, “and I hate cooking.”

Olivia laughed. “Let’s order in. Any particular cuisine tickle your fancy?”

“Chinese?” Amanda suggested. “There’s a place a few blocks over which I’ve been meaning to try. But they deliver, so we won’t have to go out in that rain again.”

The weather had worsened towards the end of their walk and both women were a little damp, despite their coats. 

“Well, I’ll have to brave it at some point to get home,” Olivia pointed out.

“You can always crash at mine,” Amanda offered over her shoulder as she climbed up the stairs to her apartment. “I mean, no pressure or anything but it’s pretty grim out there and I think they said it was going to get worse. If you wanted to just stay, you’re welcome.”

The invitation was casual and unassuming, with no hint from the blonde that she was suggesting anything more than allowing Olivia to sleep on her couch to avoid a wet walk home late at night. And yet something inside the older woman coiled, hot and low, in her belly. It was only when she registered the blue eyes peering at her that she realised she hadn’t replied. 

“Oh, um, thanks. Maybe. Let’s see what the weather does. It’s not like it’s blowing a gale or anything.”

“Right,” Amanda nodded. “Sure, it’s only rain. You probably want to sleep in your own bed after the week we’ve had, too. Stupid offer, forget I mentioned it.”

Busying herself with unlocking the door, Amanda said nothing more as she felt a wave of embarrassment about the off-the-cuff offer. It was foolish. Of course Olivia wouldn’t want to sleep on her couch. But you weren’t thinking of Olivia on your couch, were you? A voice in Amanda’s head unhelpfully piped up. She pursed her lips as she twisted the key, opening the door to let Frannie run inside.

From behind her, Olivia noticed the creep of redness colour the skin of Amanda’s neck as they walked back into the blonde’s apartment. 

“There’s a menu on the coffee table,” Amanda said, after she’d shucked off her dripping coat and taken Olivia’s. “I’ll just go and feed the beast so she doesn’t bother us.”

Olivia crossed over to where Amanda was pointing and found the menu for a Chinese restaurant. Briefly wondering who still leafletted in the days of UberEats and Deliveroo, she sat down on the couch and flicked through the options. The menu was standard and she soon knew she’d order her usual. She turned her attention instead to Amanda’s apartment. 

A quick look around and Olivia began wondering why Amanda had been so dismissive of her home. True, it was much smaller than her own apartment but it was light and bright. Or at least it would be were it not for the gathering thunderstorm outside. Olivia crossed to the window and looked up at the dark sky. Raindrops pelted against the glass, their relentless, unpredictable thuds warning her not to step back onto the street any time soon. She lowered the blind, blocking out the night which was descending into a miserable December evening and continued her appraisal of the space. 

She could see Amanda’s personality everywhere, she realised. The décor, the furnishings, the colours. And the photos. On one wall hung several framed photographs. Crossing to examine them in more detail, Olivia found herself face to face with Amanda through the ages. A girl who could only be the detective sat with another blonde girl, no more than six years old, in a little wading pool on scorched earth in, presumably, a Georgian back yard. There was another photo of Amanda with a puppy, a young teenager with her arms wrapped around the dog’s middle. Amanda appeared again in her prom dress, standing alongside half a dozen couples. Amanda was the only teenager without a date. She could see, even through the photograph, the tinge of sadness in the young woman’s eyes. 

“Don’t worry, I got laid that night,” Amanda said as she returned from her kitchen with two beers.

Olivia took her drink and clinked it against the neck of Amanda’s bottle. “Last minute date?”

“Hardly,” Amanda scoffed. “Taking a chick to the prom in Atlanta twenty years ago wasn’t really an option for me. I had a girlfriend but we weren’t exactly public. In fact,” Amanda added, turning to the picture and pointing to a dark haired girl at the far end of the line of friends, “Liz took Chuck as her beard.” The blonde’s fingernail tapped the tall, scrawny boy standing next to her then girlfriend. “I wasn’t bothered about pretending to be dating someone else and making people think I was straight but I accepted that Liz wasn’t comfortable coming to prom with me. All that mattered was that we got to spend the night together and we did. I think Chuck knew all along that he wasn’t going to get any and he bailed early in the night. High school prom, eh, what memories.”

“I can barely remember mine.”

“Oh come on, you’re not that old!” Amanda laughed. 

“Hey!” Olivia protested. “I meant because I drank so much, not because I’m senile. Thanks for the vote of confidence, ‘friend’.”

Amanda took a swig of her beer and gestured to the couch. “So, did you take a date to your prom?”

“I did,” Olivia nodded. “My boyfriend at the time. He was one of my mother’s students. I thought I was in love with him. We were engaged, actually.”

“What?” Amanda’s eyes blew wide with surprise. She had assumed Olivia had never been married but she didn’t know the woman had been close. 

“It wasn’t serious. Well, I guess I thought it was at the time but I was a kid. We got engaged when I was sixteen. I thought it was love but in reality I think I just knew the relationship would piss my mother off and that was the attraction of the relationship. And, boy, did it piss her off. She attacked me with a broken vodka bottle when she found out. But we stayed together, although we had to hide our relationship from then on. The engagement dissolved when I went to college and met Tina. I supposed I came to the realisation that I had a lot to learn about myself. I broke it off and I guess you could say I had a pretty typical ‘finding myself’ college experience. I certainly emerged more enlightened than when I entered.”

The fact that that enlightenment pertained predominantly to her sexuality was unspoken but understood. Amanda could relate to that exact experience, although hers had been a few years earlier. She remembered the moment it clicked for her that she was attracted to women rather than men, or girls rather than boys, since she was only fourteen at the time. With so little information and exposure to the possibility and the viability of same sex relationships, the realisation for her had taken some time to become comfortable with. But by the time she was seventeen, she had accepted the fact that she was gay and even hoped that her father may be coming around to the idea. Her mother, on the other hand, was adamant that Amanda was just going through a phase. She wondered briefly what Olivia’s mother thought of her daughter’s bisexuality. 

“So, shall we place that Chinese order?” Olivia asked, reminded that they were both hungry as Frannie emerged from the kitchen, licking her lips where remnants of her doggy dinner lingered.

“Sure,” Amanda nodded, picking up the menu as the dog climbed up onto the couch. “Oh, damn it, Frannie, get off. Please behave yourself while we have a guest. At least pretend I don’t let you climb all over the furniture.”

The dog stayed put, sitting between the two women and cocking her head at her owner, clearly confused as to what was being asked of her but eager to please.

“Don’t worry,” Olivia chuckled. “As long as she doesn’t eat my spring rolls.”

“She won’t but I might,” Amanda replied, picking up her phone to place their order. 

“Order your own. I won’t share my spring rolls with people or dogs. No matter how cute they are,” she added as Frannie turned her head to gaze at her, mournful brown eyes burning into her own.

“You won’t share with cute dogs or cute people?” Amanda asked. “Either way, I’m offended.”

“You’re cute, Amanda, but you can still order your own spring rolls.”

“I’m cute, huh?” Amanda asked, left eyebrow arched teasingly. 

“Shut up and place the order,” Olivia dismissed even as her cheeks felt hot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: We’re getting there!


	6. Partner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Happy Tuesday!

“Do you want the last spring roll?” Amanda asked. 

“That’s yours, isn’t it?” Olivia asked, peering into her own empty box. They had, indeed, ordered two dishes of spring rolls. Olivia really didn’t share hers.

“Yeah but I don’t want it and I know you -.” Amanda stopped talking as Olivia’s chopsticks swooped down and expertly picked up the final roll. “Yep, that’s what I thought.”

The brunette grinned goofily, while also chewing with her mouth closed. Amanda wondered how she managed to make that action look, well, not only not repulsive but rather endearing. 

“Thanks,” Olivia said as she finished her mouthful, placing her chopsticks down on the plate and moving everything to the coffee table which was now littered with Chinese take out debris. Frannie raised her head, nose twitching at the prospect of leftovers. But a stern look from her mama made her settle back down. Amanda didn’t tolerate dogs who begged for food, as Frannie well knew. 

But to not cause the poor animal too much trauma, she set about gathering up the remnants of their meal and carried it all through to the kitchen, returning with two more beers, their third of the night each. 

As she sat back down, a crack of thunder sounded from outside, descending to a rumble which faded into the distance. 

“That storm’s arrived,” she remarked, pulling out her cell phone and briefly checking the weather. “Looks like it’s going to be here until midday tomorrow.”

“Just our luck for it to rain every minute of our time off,” Olivia sighed. “May as well just head in for work tomorrow morning as usual.”

“Rain doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy some down time. We deserve less than twenty-four hours away from that place. You work too hard, you know that, right?”

“It’s been pointed out by everyone I’ve tried to date in the past ten years, yeah,” Olivia said, taking a drag from her beer. “But I love my job. I can’t imagine doing anything else and I know I’m good at what I do. Not being big headed or anything.”

“No, you’re not being big headed. You’re great at your job. You’ll be running the place before we know it. I mean, you must have thought about taking the sergeant’s exam, right?”

“Cragen thinks I should sit it later this year. I guess it’s the next logical step. I have to admit, I did think I’d be a higher rank than I am at this point in my life but, somehow, it never felt like the right time. I was happy where I was. In hindsight, maybe I was more comfortable than happy.”

Amanda hesitated before speaking. “And your partner? He never sat the sergeant’s exam or suggested you did?”

The brunette shook her head. “I guess he was comfortable too. It suited us. We were a great team, you know? If one of us had been promoted, things would have shifted. It wasn’t ever something we spoke about but maybe we both decided that we weren’t going to be the one to take the next step. Which means, fifteen years later, I’m pretty much where I was when I first joined the unit. Only older.”

“And wiser.”

“Maybe,” Olivia acknowledged.

“Liv, you’re an amazing detective. The best I’ve ever worked with, truly. Don’t ever put yourself down. But, and tell me if I’m overstepping,” as the younger woman spoke, brown eyes locked onto her own, causing Amanda to shift uncomfortably, already knowing the next words out of her mouth were not going to be well received, “do you think maybe the fact that you’ve got a new partner is a good thing?”

“You mean Amaro? Look, I like Nick and he’s a good cop but it’s not the same, ok? I worked better with Stabler.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Amanda clarified. “I mean, you said it yourself. You and Stabler were holding each other back from developing your respective careers. Maybe now you’ve got a bit more freedom to push yourself onto the next stage and take those opportunities. You won’t be worrying about leaving Amaro behind or becoming our boss, right? That could be freeing, I suppose. I’m just saying,” Amanda shrugged, not quite sure how to finish her point but relieved at least that Olivia hadn’t already stood up and stormed out. 

There was, however, a long silence. Amanda decided she didn’t dare speak, unsure whether the absence of words symbolised a simmering anger which was about to explode at her or quiet contemplation. 

“I think you’re right.”

Well, that wasn’t expected, Amanda thought. While she believed there to be much truth in her words given everything she’d picked up from Olivia and office gossip about the woman’s previous partnership, she hadn’t expected the woman herself to agree to her, let’s face it, not-so-mild criticism. 

“You do?”

“Don’t look so surprised, Rollins. You’re a cop with a degree in forensic science. You read people; that’s your job. And, I’ll admit, I think you’ve read me pretty damn well. Except for that time you thought I was straight, of course.”

Amanda grinned. “Yeah, ok, my gaydar was off but so was yours.”

“Fair play.”

Another pause. But Amanda, sensing a chink in the older woman’s armour, couldn’t help but probe a little further. “So, do you think maybe you would have progressed further up the chain of command had you and Stabler not been partners for so long? And, I guess I should start preparing for you to be my boss, right?”

“Oh, I’m already your boss,” Olivia laughed. “Senior detective, remember?”

“Touché, but I mean, you’re going for the sergeant’s exam, right?”

“I’ve got the paperwork in my apartment,” Olivia acknowledged. “It’s the right time. And, yes, if Elliot and I hadn’t been a team for so many years, this would have happened a while ago. But I don’t regret staying as his partner for so long. I could never regret … everything that we shared. He made me a better cop. And I think I made him one too.”

“Did you guys, um, I mean, were you … outside of work, I guess … was there ever anything -”

“Just ask the question, Rollins,” Olivia sighed. 

At this point, Amanda was sensing that she’d reached the limit of Olivia’s willingness to share and yet she wasn’t able to back out now. Both women knew exactly which question Amanda was not so eloquently trying to address. 

“I was just wondering, you know what it’s like in our job, it would have been understandable if your partnership developed over time. You wouldn’t have been the first to -”

“Fuck?” Olivia asked, tired of Amanda’s pathetic attempts to cut to the chase. The blonde bit her lip and then nodded. “No, we didn’t. I wanted to, I won’t pretend and anyone in the squad would probably speculate that we did cross that line but it never happened. He was married, is married, in fact. He would never have cheated on Kathy. And I didn’t want him to cheat on her for me. I knew I had feelings for him but I never acted on them. It was hard given the job we do and the situations we end up and what we see. He was the only person I could talk to about some things and I was that person for him too. We were close, more than close, really. Kathy hated me. I don’t blame her. But Elliot and I never slept together. We never even kissed.”

“I … I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.”

It was evident from the expression on the brunette’s face that the conversation had saddened her. Amanda’s question had brought up raw and possibly unresolved emotions. Amanda felt guilty for having darkened the mood of the evening. As if on cue, another grumble of thunder came from outside, the edge of the window where the blind left a gap flashed white. 

“It’s bad out there,” Olivia remarked, listening to the rain as it lashed the glass.

“The offer still stands,” Amanda said, eager to move onto a new topic. “If you want to stay, you’re more than welcome.”

“Would you mind?” Olivia asked, finally turning back to the blonde and Amanda was shocked to see that the woman looked suddenly exhausted, as if the week had caught up with her in those few seconds. “I don’t think I can face heading back home tonight.”

“Of course not. You can take my bed. I’ll sleep out here with Frannie.”

“Don’t be silly, Amanda, I’m not kicking you out of your own bed. I’ll sleep on the couch. But you can take Frannie with you. Sweet as she is, I’m not keep on being licked awake.”

Unfortunately for Amanda, she had just taken a swig of beer when the older woman made that final declaration. There was a split second in which the comment hung in the air then the blonde was coughing and spluttering, beer having hit the back of her throat and somehow, inexplicably, come out through her nose. Too busy choking to recognise the cringeworthy embarrassment of the situation, Amanda smacked herself on the chest as Olivia reached for a napkin and tried to pass it to the woman struggling to catch her breath. 

“Are you ok?” she asked, peering into Amanda’s reddened and damp face.

“Jeez,” she gasped, throat hoarse, “you gotta warn a lesbian before you say something like that.”

Olivia looked shocked for a second before letting out a peel of laughter. Amanda, now finding it easier to breath although her nose and throat still burned, chuckled too, relieved that the lingering tension from the Elliot Stabler conversation had dissipated. 

“I’ll go get those blankets,” Amanda said eventually, wiping tears from her eyes. “Do you want to borrow some PJs?”

“I doubt you have PJs that would fit me.”

“Nonsense, I’m just shorter than you.”

“Yeah, and the rest,” Olivia said, hands splaying over her own stomach. 

If there was one thing Amanda hated to see, it was a beautiful woman who didn’t know just how beautiful she was. She turned to Olivia and took those hands in her own, pulling them away from the area of her body the brunette was most conscious about and waited for those big brown eyes to meet her own. 

“You are the most stunning women I’ve ever met, Olivia Benson,” Amanda said quietly. “You’re beautiful and you’re strong and you’re smart and you’re funny and you care. God, you care so much, don’t you? Not just about your work but about everyone. And the worst thing is you care what people think but you judge it based on what you think of yourself. And you can’t see how amazing you are. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you, Olivia. Because you’re incredible.”

A soft smile played across the blonde’s lips when she finished and Olivia forced herself to mirror the expression, even though her eyes burned hot with tears.

“Thank you,” she said at last, voice cracked with emotion. “That was very sweet of you to say.”

“It wasn’t sweet,” Amanda replied defiantly. “It’s the truth.”

She squeezed Olivia’s hands once more and then let them go, getting to her feet and walking out of the living room and down the hallway, calling over her shoulder that she’d be back in a moment with some pyjamas and blankets. As soon as she heard a door close, Olivia allowed herself to flop back onto the couch, closed her eyes and let the tears slide down her cheeks. 

On the other side of the bedroom door, Amanda leaned heavily against the wood and drew a steadying breath in an attempt to settle her racing heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: we’re getting somewhere!


	7. Nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: It’s 9pm and I’ve just finished work and then remembered I had only written half of this chapter. I hope the tiredness doesn’t show!!!

Olivia rolled over and repositioned the pillow beneath her head. Settling back down, she grimaced as she realised she was never going to get comfortable. While she had been brought up to never inconvenience her host, a part of her regretted not taking Amanda up on her offer of the bed. This couch was not comfortable. It was not so much the lack of softness but rather the fact that her feet either dangled off the edge or her knees were bent awkwardly into the back of the piece of furniture. 

She rolled onto her back, knees pointing upwards, arms now stretching over the armrest of the couch and dangling behind her as she watched the sliver of sky around the edges of the blind light up, dazzling white, as the storm continued to rage outside. She could hear the relentless rain pounding the window but all other city sounds were drowned out. For once, New York City was asleep, except for the rain. And the thunder. 

In that moment, Olivia was thinking she’d made the wrong decision when she accepted the invitation to stay over. A drenching dash down Manhattan’s sodden streets back to her own apartment would at least have allowed her to sleep once she got there. Well, once she’d taken a shower and warmed up again. As it was, she knew she was facing a sleepless night. 

Her phone told her it was after three in the morning. She’d been lying here, awake, for hours. At one point, she almost drifted off but the knobbly edge of the couch cushion against her hip had dragged her back to consciousness. So much for returning to work refreshed. She was going to be more tired when morning finally broke than she was when she walked out of the precinct. 

But she couldn’t regret her decision to accompany Amanda home that night. First their enjoyable walk around the park, reminding Olivia that the city did have some green spaces which perhaps deserved more of her time. And then their evening conversation. The way the blonde listened as she talked about Elliot, the way she seemed to understand, accept what Olivia was saying. 

She hadn’t spoken about Elliot much in the months since his departure. Fin had tried to broach the subject with her a few weeks after the man had put in his papers but Olivia’s reaction had made damn sure the detective would never ask again. She had apologised the following day but the topic had clearly been marked as off-limits. At the time, Olivia had been grateful; happy to throw herself into work and try to erase the pain. 

Five months later, however, and the woman had started to gain some perspective. She had had time to think, to assess, to critique, even, the partnership to which she had so fiercely clung to, defended with every fibre of her being. While she cherished the memories, there was a small part of her, a part which had found its voice with Amanda, that recognised some of the more negative elements of what she and Elliot had shared. 

That night had been the first time Olivia had voiced those thoughts, however. She didn’t know why. She didn’t know what it was about Amanda that made her talk. 

No, that was a lie. She knew. 

She may not have known before the final part of the conversation that evening but she knew now. The look in Amanda’s bright blue eyes; the intensity and sincerity of her words. The way she had so vehemently defended Olivia’s opinion of herself. The way she had insisted that the brunette was wrong, that she wasn’t seeing the truth. Or at least the truth through Amanda’s eyes. 

Olivia had to admit, if the younger woman was telling the truth, she preferred that view. She wanted to see herself that way; of course she did. But it was easier said than done.

For some reason, however, a thought had been planted in that moment. No, not a thought, a conviction. If anyone could make Olivia see herself in that way, it would be Amanda. 

The realisation had been creeping through her sleep-deprived mind during the small hours of the morning until it reached Olivia’s consciousness, strong enough to make itself heard. Believed? Well, perhaps not yet. But Olivia was certainly aware of her mind’s conclusion as to what she felt for the younger detective.

She sat up suddenly, whipping her head around towards the sound of a shout. But then there was silence. Except for the storm outside. Instinctively, however, Olivia threw off the blankets and reached for her gun. She sat on the edge of the couch, listening. 

Another shout, quieter this time, but distinctive. She got to her feet, making her way down the corridor towards the closed door of Amanda’s bedroom. Outside, she paused, heart pounding. On the other side of the door, there was the sound of whining. Frannie, she was sure. But then she heard a whimper too. That was human. 

She knocked on the wood. “Amanda?”

There was no answer except for the sound of clattering paws as the dog jumped off her owner’s bed and trotted over to the door. Olivia knocked again, calling out the detective’s name a little louder. Again, she got no answer. Taking a deep breath, she opened the door and peered around the edge as Frannie nosed at her thigh. 

“Amanda?” she called for a third time into the dark room. 

The whimper which came from the middle of the bed wasn’t the answer Olivia wanted but it was all she needed to hear. Placing her gun on the dresser by the door, she made her way through the gloom to the edge of the bed. Through the darkness, she could see the small frame of the blonde woman, tangled in her sheets as she moaned and wriggled, as if trying to get away from something. 

“Amanda,” Olivia said a little louder, reaching out to place her hand on the blonde’s shoulder. 

The body jerked away from her, the southerner letting out a yell of fear and an arm thrashed out towards Olivia. Frannie jumped up on the bed, pushing her nose into Amanda’s face and licking her owner’s cheek as if trying to wake her up. Olivia stood watching, unsure what to do. But before she could make a decision, the blonde let out a gasp. 

“Frannie,” she mumbled, reaching out to pat the dog who gave her a final lick before settling down, nuzzling her nose beneath her owner’s chin. “Good dog. Thank you.”

“Um…”

“Fuck!” Amanda yelled, scrambling to sit up and lunging across the bed to turn on the lamp. 

“Sorry, it’s me. Olivia. It’s Olivia Benson, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Liv,” Amanda said, running her hand through her hair as her eyes squinted in the light now pooling across her room, “shit, I’m sorry. I wasn’t expecting …”

“To see me standing beside your bed in the middle of the night?” Olivia joked. “Yeah, I’m sorry about that. I just heard, I mean, you were … but Frannie seemed to know what to do, so, yeah, look, I’m gonna go back to the couch.”

She turned to walk away but hadn’t got more than a couple of strides before Amanda spoke. 

“It’s why I got her.”

“Excuse me?”

“Frannie. It’s why I got her. She knows how to wake me up when the nightmares come. I’m guessing you figured that was what happened.”

“I guessed. I heard you shouting.”

“Yep, that’s what happens. Stupid subconscious brain, am I right? I’m sorry if I woke you.”

“You didn’t wake me.”

“I didn’t?”

Olivia shrugged. “I kind of haven’t been able to get to sleep yet.”

“Shit, is the couch really that bad?” Amanda asked, horrified at the idea of her guest not being able to sleep. “Take my bed, seriously, Liv. Frannie and I sleep out there all the time.”

The blonde was already climbing out of her bed, exposing bare legs and tiny sleep shorts which accompanied the old t-shirt she was wearing, before Olivia managed to speak. “No, it’s fine. Honestly, Amanda, I don’t mind. And it sounds like you’ve not been sleeping too well recently either.”

“No,” Amanda sighed, slumping back onto the mattress and then leaning against the headboard. “It’s not great. But Frannie helps.”

“You know what else helps? Talking.”

For whatever reason, something inside Olivia told her that her colleague might be willing to open up in that moment. Perhaps it was the fact that she was already showing a vulnerability. Perhaps it was the way their conversation had ended the night before. Whatever it was, there was a pause before Amanda threw back the covers from the empty side of the bed. Olivia raised her eyebrows.

“Get in,” Amanda clarified. “If you really wanna talk about this, the least I can do is offer you a comfortable place to sit. Clearly my couch isn’t up to scratch.”

There was a moment of hesitation before Olivia perched on the edge of the mattress, as far from the blonde as she could be without falling out. Amanda raised an eyebrow and then tossed the duvet over the detective’s legs. 

“So,” Olivia said when the blonde didn’t speak. “Do you have nightmares often?”

“Yeah, I guess. But I hate that term. It makes me sound like a little kid who’s scared of monsters. And the nightmares I have aren’t make-believe, let me tell you.”

“Are they memories?” Olivia asked, the question guided by instinct. And experience. 

Amanda nodded sharply, patting the bed beside her, action which Frannie immediately obeyed and curled herself up between the two women. The blonde started stroking her faithful pet’s head as she searched for the right words. 

“It’s always the same one. And I know how it ends. Hell, I was there. I don’t know why it affects me so much. I react much worse asleep than I did at the time. At the time, well, I just lay there. It was a situation I had gotten myself into. I knew what I was doing. I made a choice. I didn’t scream and cry or anything. But when I dream about it, I dunno, I guess something inside me does what I wish I’d done at the time.”

Olivia had spent decades talking to victims of sexual assault. She knew what Amanda was alluding to. She understood what she was talking about. And yet, there were so many details missing. Over the years, in her role, she had learned to gently coax information out of a survivor. But she suspected those techniques wouldn’t work on Amanda. After all, she knew them herself. But Olivia did need more to go on that what the younger detective had offered so far. 

“This is someone down in Georgia, right? A cop?”

“Yeah, it’s one of the reasons why I moved. I couldn’t stay working under him.”

“He was your superior officer?”

Another nod. Olivia felt her blood boil at the realisation that someone whose role it was to protect, mentor and support the blonde had taken advantage of his superior position and power and, she assumed, pressured the woman into something she wasn’t comfortable with. 

“Is he still on the job?”

“Yeah and I’m not telling you his name so don’t even ask. It doesn’t matter anyway. He’s not in my life any more. I left. I survived, right? That’s what we always say.”

“Yes, you did and that’s important but it sounds like you may still have some unresolved issues you’ve not yet addressed.”

“Issues?” Amanda asked, looking at Olivia for the first time since they started talking. The brunette was almost surprised to see that there were no tears in those brilliant azure eyes. 

“You may take umbrage with that word but what would you call a recurring nightmare?” Olivia asked, reluctant to back down from what she’d said. “It’s clearly a problem. Amanda, you got a dog to wake you up every time it happens so I’m guessing it’s not a once in a blue moon occurrence. How often does this happen?”

Amanda shrugged. “Few nights a week. It’s ok though. Frannie wakes me and then I go back to sleep. You know, unless my creepy colleague is watching me in which case I chat about my stupid life choices for a while.”

Rolling her eyes, Olivia reached out and placed her hand Amanda’s shoulder. “Stop blaming yourself. You did nothing wrong.”

“You don’t know what I did,” Amanda shot back, moving away so that Olivia’s hand slid down to the sheet. “And you know what? I don’t regret what I did. Not really. I did what I had to do in the moment. I was protecting my family.” At that point, the blonde’s voice cracked with emotion.

Olivia’s face creased in confusion. “Amanda, sweetheart,” she began softly. “I think I’m going to need some more information. I know you don’t want to talk about this and I understand that. If you don’t feel like sharing anything more with me at the moment, that’s fine. I’ll go back to the couch and you can go back to sleep. But if you do want to talk, tonight or next week or next year or whenever, I’m here.”

There was a long pause before; “ok.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: next chapter will have discussion of a sexual assault.


	8. Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: TRIGGER WARNING! This chapter contains pretty explicit details of a SEXUAL ASSAULT (RAPE). If you don’t want to read it, I’ll put a general summary at the bottom which explains why it happened, not what.

“My sister got herself in some trouble,” Amanda said, staring straight ahead as if the blank wall opposite held her rapt attention. Olivia, meanwhile, was turned towards the blonde, watching and listening both in the role of friend and as a senior SVU detective. “She was arrested on possession charges and told the officer she was my sister. I’d told her to do that; if she ever found herself in trouble, I had told her to give them my name. That’s normal, right?”

“Right,” Olivia nodded, remembering how Elliot had drummed it into his children that in the event that they were arrested, they were to say nothing and just tell whomever would listen that he was their father. Maureen had done exactly that on more than one occasion.

“Yeah, well, anyway, Kim told them who I was and I got a call saying my sister was sat in a holding cell. Obviously, I went straight there to try and sort it out. I tried to apologise for Kim’s actions and promised I’d keep an eye on her. I mean, she didn’t even have that much on her. A couple of eightballs. It wasn’t like she was dealing or anything, although I’m sure her dickhead boyfriend was. But the station captain was a real stickler and refused to drop the charges. So I did the only thing I could think of and called my own captain to see if he could help. I guess that was my first mistake.”

Amanda stopped talking, eyes now dropping to her lap where her fingers were picking at a loose thread at the hem of her pyjama shorts. Olivia tried not to look at the pale skin which glowed almost luminescent in the dim light of the bedside lamp and returned her gaze to the blonde’s face, waiting patiently for the story to continue.

“Until then, I’d gotten on well with my captain. I mean, he was sexist, sure. But I didn’t really expect anything else from the Atlanta PD. I know I should have. I know we’re supposed to hold people in power to account but I was just used to how it had always been and I walked into the station on my first day knowing I’d be a minority as a woman. I kept my sexuality on the downlow too; I didn’t need homophobia on top of sexism. Although, as I’m sure you know, men seem to be more accepting of lesbians than gay men. They fetishize us. Anyway, yeah, I never had any particular problem with Captain Patton beyond the usual casual sexism which is why I called him that day.

“I told him what had happened and asked him if he’d be able to speak to this other captain. He said he would but that I’d owe him. I didn’t even think. I just said yes. And then ten minutes later Kim was free to go. I was so happy, I never even stopped to think what Patton might want in return for getting the charges dropped. We left, headed home and I laid into Kim about the drugs. It wasn’t until later that night that I got a call.”

The words tailed off. Olivia waited patiently but when nothing more was said, she gently prompted; “from Patton?”

“Yeah, he asked me to come meet him. Gave me an address then hung up. I recognised it. It was a motel known to police because it was a popular spot for working girls. You know, hourly rates, no security cameras so the Johns were happy. I think I knew then what he wanted but I didn’t call him back and say no. I just … got in my car and drove there. I felt like I didn’t have a choice. I owed him, right? I mean, he’d done me a favour and that meant I had to do him a favour. And yes, I know I shouldn’t have thought like that as an SVU cop but I did and I have no excuse for that.”

“You don’t need to excuse how you acted, Amanda,” Olivia said, recognising the signs of a victim who blamed herself for the assault she had suffered. “You did nothing wrong.”

“Well, I was a cop who manipulated the system and called on a connection to get my sister out of an entirely justified cocaine charge. That’s wrong, right? I mean, I did it for the right reasons, at least in my mind, but what I did was wrong.”

“Perhaps but I get the feeling what Patton did to you was worse.”

“Maybe. Maybe I deserved it,” Amanda shrugged. “I mean, I agreed to owe him a favour. How stupid was I to think it wouldn’t be sexual?”

“Amanda, you weren’t stupid,” Olivia protested.

“Weak, then. Whatever you want to call it, I got in my car and drove to meet my boss in a dark parking lot of a crummy motel, knowing full well what was expected of me. By the time I arrived, he’d already paid for the room and was waiting for me outside. And, you know, he gave me the chance to back out. He basically told me what he wanted. Well, he said he wanted us to spend a couple of hours together, away from the station. Then he asked if that was ok. I mean, I suppose by that point the question was rhetorical but I … well, I said yes. I consented. At least, at first.”

“At first? How many times did this happen?” Inside her veins, Olivia’s blood began to boil. 

“Oh no, it was just the one night. And at first, it was fine. I mean, it was awful; I’m gay, after all. The last time I’d been with a guy I was seventeen and it was the nail in the coffin which solidified my understanding of my sexuality. My stomach was doing backflips and not in a good way when Patton kissed me, but I just went with it, knowing that if I did this, my debt would be paid for Kim’s release.

“But he got violent. I don’t know if it was because I, well, my body didn’t react as he wanted to him. Spoiler alert, a hairy middle-aged man touching a lesbian doesn’t exactly get her juices flowing, literally.”

Olivia felt her cheeks flush scarlet. It wasn’t the first time she’d had conversations with sexual assault victims about whether they were aroused or not during the attack, but it was definitely the first time she’d had the conversation with someone for whom she realised she was developing feelings.

“He got mad when he couldn’t penetrate me,” Amanda continued. “I asked him to go slower but he ignored me. I was on my back and he grabbed both my wrists in one of his and spat on his dick. I knew what he was going to do and I said no. He ignored me and forced himself into me. When I cried out, he slapped me and told me to shut up. I turned my face away and tried not to look at him, tried to block out what was happening. It hurt so much because my body just wasn’t willing. I’m no stranger to a strap-on but I’d never been with someone who’d tried to penetrate me before I was ready. And he didn’t care. He kept going until at last my body just did what it’s naturally programmed to do. I guess I should be grateful that the pain lessened but I was too traumatised by then to care. He just kept fucking me until he came then he collapsed on top of me and I thought I was going to be sick. I still can’t bear the thought of the weight of anyone on top of me. I think I’d feel like it was him. 

“Anyway, eventually he went to the bathroom to get rid of the condom and I made my escape. Just grabbed my clothes and ran. The next time I saw him, at work a couple of days later, he didn’t even blink, just talked to me as he always had. It was like it never happened. That was when I started looking for other jobs and, well, I ended up here.”

“Amanda, I’m so sorry,” Olivia said softly when the blonde had finished. 

“Yeah, well, thanks,” the younger woman said, finally turning to face her superior.

Olivia was surprised to see a cold look in the woman’s blue orbs. Detached, disconnected. As if the story she had just told was not hers but one which belonged to someone else. Except Olivia knew that wasn’t what it was. Rather, Amanda Rollins was a sexual assault victim who had repeatedly denied and not addressed her trauma. 

“So, if this happened before you started looking for a transfer, it was recent?”

Amanda nodded. “February,” she admitted. “The 27th. I’ll never forget the date.”

“Did you get a rape kit done?”

The woman shook her head. “I couldn’t. He was my superior officer. No one would have believed me. Plus he had got Kim out of a serious charge. I owed him.”

“You didn’t owe him sex. And you definitely didn’t owe him to keep quiet about the fact that he raped you, Amanda.”

“Well, I did. It’s done now. I’ve moved on.”

“Have you?”

Amanda furrowed her brow. “What does that mean?”

“I’m just saying,” Olivia placated, mindful of the accusatory tone the blonde had shot at her, “maybe you should talk to someone about this.”

But before she had even finished her suggestion, Amanda was shaking her head. “No, I don’t want to. You’re the only person who knows by the way, Liv. Please don’t spread it about.”

“Of course not. I would never do that. But, I mean, surely you told your sister? Or any girlfriends you’ve had?”

“Kim isn’t exactly stable at the best of times. I couldn’t put something like this on her. And I’ve not dated since that night. I mean, it’s not a conscious choice. I’ve been busy. Moving, new job. All that stuff kinda got in the way. Getting laid wasn’t a priority for me.”

“You’ve been carrying this alone? Amanda, I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah, you’ve said that.”

Olivia opened her mouth but closed it again, not sure what to say. Beside her Amanda let out a sigh. “I’m sorry, I know you mean well. It’s just hard to talk about, ok? And I’m super tired. Can we just end this conversation now?”

“Of course,” Olivia said. “Thank you for trusting me with this Amanda. I am honoured you felt comfortable enough with me to tell me.” 

As she spoke, the brunette climbed off the bed and replaced the covers where her body had been. Frannie raised her head to watch the woman as she moved.

“Where are you going?” Amanda asked.

“Um, back to the couch,” Olivia replied.

But Amanda shook her head. “Don’t be silly. You obviously can’t sleep on it. Get back in. You can share with me. Frannie, off.”

Obediently, the dog got up and leapt onto the floor, crossing over to a bed in the corner and curling up. Olivia hesitated before sliding back in. “Thanks,” she said, already feeling her body relax into the soft mattress.

“You’re welcome. And if I wake you up with a stupid nightmare again, just kick me.”

“I’m not going to kick you and your nightmares aren’t stupid,” Olivia scoffed. “But I will wake you, I promise.”

The blonde’s expression softened. “Ok, thanks. Um, goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” Olivia replied as Amanda reached for the bedside table and plunged the duo into darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: for those who didn’t want to read details, this is Amanda’s story: her sister was arrested on drug possession charges back in February and Amanda asked her captain, Patton, to have the charges dropped. As payment for this, Patton asks Amanda to meet him at a hotel. At first Amanda consents to sex but when Patton turns aggressive, Amanda says no. Patton doesn’t listen. After he’s finished, Amanda runs out and begins to look for work in other states, eventually leaving for NYC.


	9. Morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Happy Tuesday. I literally wrote and proofed this in less than 2 hour so if it’s bad, that’s why!

A car horn blaring several floors below burst into the quiet of the dark bedroom, startling Olivia awake. Her eyes snapped open, then squinted shut as her eyelashes became embroiled in … whose blonde hair was this? And why was it surrounding her face? Was that coconut she could smell? Who even had so much hair?

She edged backwards, realisation tumbling into the space in which she had been nestling. Amanda Rollins. Olivia Benson had woken up with her face buried in her tousled locks. The younger detective was still asleep, having avoided being ripped back to consciousness by that obnoxious New York driver. Thank goodness, Olivia thought to herself. That would have been awkward.

Oh, and it still might be, Olivia’s mind added as it recognised that her head had not been the only body part to migrate towards Amanda during the night. Slung low over a lithe waist, splayed against warm, smooth, bare skin was Olivia’s hand. Awesome, she thought to herself. What treachery her arm had undertaken, creeping itself towards the woman which, Olivia was now ready to admit, she was developing a crush on.

But it wasn’t a crush she was planning to act on. Amanda was her subordinate. And they worked together. And it was just a bad idea. Olivia was not ready to become emotionally involved with someone else from work. And she sure as hell wasn’t interested in a casual, physical relationship with Amanda. For some reason, Olivia already knew that it would be all or nothing when it came to the blonde.

That said, she didn’t think this was the best way to break the news to Amanda that these out of work evenings they’d shared had led to Olivia developing feelings. It was customary to talk about these things, rather than just grope someone when they slept, after all. Well, maybe not groping, Olivia’s brain supplied. You’re just resting your hand on her … bare stomach. Yeah, ok, it doesn’t look great and it’s a position you’re going to need to extricate yourself from before she wakes up.

Olivia rolled her eyes at her own thought process before setting to work, slowly moving her hand away from the warm body against which they are pressed. As the pads of her fingers break contact, something inside Olivia twinged. She pushed the thought aside and continued to withdraw her arm, back to her side of the bed. With a little sigh of relief, she rolled onto her back but just as she was free and clear, Amanda began to stir then, in quite a spectacularly dramatic movement, flipped herself onto her other side and threw her own arm across Olivia’s stomach, pinning her to the bed.

She lay frozen, flat on her back and staring up through the gloom at the ceiling, heart pounding in her chest. Next to her, Amanda snuffled something in her sleep and then fell silent. Olivia didn’t dare move. She just lay there, hardly breathing. What now? Did she try and move out of the way? Did she wake Amanda? Did she feign sleep and wait for Amanda to wake up naturally and then, presumably, do exactly what Olivia had done and retreat to pretend like it never happened?

But before she could decide what to do, Amanda’s sleeping body made another decision. Olivia let out a little whimper as she felt a small hand slide up her side towards her breast, thumb brushing the underside through her borrowed t-shirt. Olivia’s heart hammered against her chest, so hard that she was almost surprised its thundering didn’t wake up the woman who was, ok now it was an acceptable word to use, groping her.

Yet Amanda stayed asleep, thumb moving slowly backwards and forwards in a gentle, rhythmic pattern. Now what? Olivia’s entire body was tense, on edge. And yet it wasn’t tense because the touching was threatening her or in any way unwanted. More, it was tense because the touching was wanted, and somehow that made it even worse.

There was nothing for it, she decided, but to lie there and wait, hoping to fall asleep before Amanda woke up. But she knew, even as she shut her eyes, that there was no way her conscious brain would let her miss a moment of the situation she had found herself in.

* * *

Amanda Rollins was a morning person. Always had been. Ever since she was a child, she tended to open her eyes and bound out of bed moments later. It was just the way her body worked. From zero to sixty in seconds. As a child, her parents had groaned the moment they heard her feet hit the floorboards, knowing the day had begun for everyone. It wasn’t much better now she was an adult. While she could enjoy lounging around in bed all morning with a lover, when she was on her own, she tended to get up straight away. Not least because Frannie was always pretty keen to get out for her morning pee.

But this morning, Amanda woke up feeling like a snuggle. In fact, she woke up snuggling. It was warm, comforting, the softness pressed against her, the curves beneath her fingers the ... Thanks to Amanda’s fast-moving brain, even without caffeine, it took barely five seconds for the blonde to remember the events of the previous night and therefore to piece together the fact that the snuggle in which she was involved was not normal for her relationship with her bedfellow.

She sat up abruptly, all but launching herself to the far side of the bed and then tumbling out of it. At the sound of her owner’s entire hitting the floor, Frannie got up too, although with slightly more grace. She stretched as Amanda picked herself up, peering sheepishly over the edge of the bed and internally groaning when she found a familiar, smirking face looking back at her.

“Are you ok?”

“Morning,” Amanda said, righting herself and pulling her pyjama top, which suddenly felt very skimpy, back into place. “Um, you’re awake.”

“Yes, I’m awake,” Olivia nodded, her own embarrassment having faded away and been replaced by amusement at Amanda’s spectacular overreaction.

“And have you been awake long?”

“A while,” Olivia nodded.

“So you, I mean, I guess you were … well, I mean -”

“It’s fine, Amanda,” Olivia said, putting the poor woman out of her misery. “You were asleep. We all do things when we’re asleep that we wouldn’t do when we’re awake.”

“Like snore?”

Olivia laughed, pleased Amanda had found some way to break the awkwardness. “Yes, that’s exactly what I meant.”

“Right, well, I’ve gotta take Frannie out. Um…” She cast around until she found a discarded pair of jeans and a sweater. “I’ll be back in ten minutes or so. Feel free to make coffee or stay in bed or whatever. Coffee’s in the freezer. There’s some breakfast bars in the cupboard. Just take a look and see what you can find.”

“Thanks,” Olivia replied, but the blonde was already disappearing out of the bedroom door, followed by her dog. Amanda was clearly still feeling highly embarrassed about everything that had happened.

Olivia waited until she heard the apartment door shut before she got up herself. Coffee, she decided sounded great. Unlike Amanda, Olivia was far from coherent as soon as she’d woken up. While she’d become used to calls in the middle of the night over the course of her career, she had always had to stop for a coffee on the way to the crime scene, hospital or precinct before her brain was ready to function properly.

Coffee. That was the first order of the day now that the slender arm which had been barricading her into the bed had been removed. That said, Olivia mused as she got up, there had been something comforting about its weight, something which she had missed the moment Amanda had leapt away from her, as if scalded. Olivia tried not to take offence at that; choosing to believe the woman was motivated by the horror of embarrassment at the situation, not with whom the situation had involved.

* * *

By the time the apartment door opened and Frannie scampered inside, Olivia was dressed in her clothes from the day before and waiting for the coffee to finish dripping through. She offered a genuine smile to Amanda and asked her how the walk was.

“Fine, we just went around the block. It’s been raining all night. Some of the roads are just giant puddles,” Amanda said as she toed off her boots. “Did you find everything you needed?”

“Yes, thank you. You may not have much food in this house but you’ve got four different types of coffee in your freezer. Which is a weird place to keep it by the way.”

“I know, I’m a coffee geek. It keeps it fresher. I just love coffee; I consider it my vice.”

“I consider it my crutch but I never really learned much about it. How can you drink the battery acid we have at the precinct considering you start each day with this?”

“I know, it’s a self-afflicted trauma each day,” Amanda laughed, reaching for the full pot now the V60 had finished and pouring the steaming black liquid into the mug beside Olivia and then the other one which she presumed the brunette had got out for herself.

“I’ll bet,” Olivia said, adding a splash of milk to her drink before offering it to Amanda who shook her head. Olivia had tried drinking black coffee when she was younger, thinking it made her appear more sophisticated but she hated its bitterness. Or maybe she was just drinking bad coffee she mused as she watched the shorter woman before her take a sip of the scalding liquid and sigh with seeming contentedness.

And then Amanda noticed that she was being watched. “What?”

“Nothing,” Olivia said, taking a sip of her own coffee. “Sorry.”

An awkwardness settled over the pair and Amanda steeled herself for the conversation she knew was needed. “Hey, so, I’m really sorry about, you know, earlier. I’m used to sharing the bed with Frannie and -”

“And you spoon your dog?” Olivia laughed.

“Well, yeah. Frannie gives great hugs. Actually, she always has to be the little spoon. I tried to make her be the big spoon once and she wasn’t on board.”

Olivia laughed harder at that. “Well, that’s just not fair. Everyone knows you have to take turns being the little spoon.”

“So it’s my turn next time?”

The teasing, light-hearted nature of the conversation dissolved at once. “Ne- next time?” Olivia asked, her face suddenly flush.

“You know what I mean. I mean … it didn’t mean anything. It was a joke. I didn’t mean …” Too many ‘means’. Amanda fell silent, took a deep breath and tried again. “I just wanted to apologise for whatever my sleeping self did. I’ve not shared a bed with another person in a long time and I guess that some part of me wanted that human contact. It won’t happen again because there won’t be a next time, I know that. And, I guess we just forget about it and move on as if nothing’s changed, right?”

Olivia put her coffee down and looked at the woman before her carefully. Amanda seemed to have resigned herself to what she had said, staring resolutely at the floor now she had stopped speaking. And for the most part, Olivia believed her. She knew the woman hadn’t been consciously hugging her. She knew the woman was joking when she’d referenced taking turns to be the little spoon. And she understood the desire to sleep close to someone. But what she wasn’t so sure about was whether nothing had changed and whether she could forget. At least, as far as she was concerned, everything had changed and she couldn’t forget that feeling she’d felt while lying beside the blonde.

“Amanda,” she said quietly, urging the woman to look at her and waiting until those azure eyes rose to meet her own. “You don’t have to apologise. I get it, ok? And to tell you the truth, a part of me enjoyed being close to someone too. I’ve not had that in a long time either. But something has changed between and I can’t pretend it hasn’t.”

Amanda looked crestfallen. “Because of what I told you last night? Because of what Patton did to me? You think I shouldn’t be working SVU, don’t you? Are you gonna tell Cragen?”

“No, not at all. I think you’re great at your job. I would never tell Cragen or anyone else what you told me in confidence. And what’s changed has nothing to do with what you told me anyway. Well, maybe it does. Maybe the fact that you opened up and were honest with me helped but that wasn’t what I was talking about. Amanda, I … fuck, I like you, ok?” Olivia exclaimed, throwing caution to the wind. “And this morning, well, I guess I started to think about what it might feel like if you liked me too.”

There was a long, heavy silence. Amanda just gazed at Olivia, blinking every now and then as she tried to process the information she had heard.

“You … like me?” she asked eventually.

“I do.”

“Like, ‘like’ like me?”

Olivia rolled her eyes. “Yes, Amanda, I ‘like’ like you. But, if I’ve just read into things and if you’re not interested or not looking for anything … and we work together, so there’s that and I don’t even know if the department would allow … but I’m getting ahead of myself because you probably don’t even -”

The ramble was cut short by pale lips covering her own, a firm, insistent kiss which caught Olivia off-guard and forced her to stumble backwards against the kitchen counter. As her back hit the edge, she finally closed her eyes, allowing herself to feel the woman pressed against her. And at that point, her arms finally wrapped around the compact frame of Amanda Rollins, as her mouth kissed her right back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: such progress!


	10. Kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yay! Kissing!

Olivia didn’t believe in cliches. She didn’t believe in Hollywood romances. After the things she’d seen, her overall outlook on love and relationships had slipped into a state which could really only be described as sceptical. Fifteen years of working at SVU would do that to anyone. But even she couldn’t deny that in that moment, standing in Amanda’s kitchen, pressed against the counter with the younger woman’s mouth working against her own, perhaps sometimes movies and books got it right.

The world dissolved. Everything faded from existence, except for the woman before her. The noise of the New York street, filling up with rush hour traffic and harried footsteps which had been drifting in through the open apartment window, was silenced. The fresh, cool morning air which announced the departure of the night’s storm transformed into something which wrapped its warmth around every fibre of her being. The to-do list which had been forming in Olivia’s mind as she had waited for the coffee was suddenly forgotten.

All that mattered was Amanda.

She kissed her back, taking control as she slid her hands up the petite blonde’s waist, over her ribcage, skating the sides of her breasts and then up to her neck. She cupped the back of the shorter woman’s head, angling her neck backwards slightly to allow Olivia to deepen the kiss. A guttural moan sent a shiver down Olivia’s spine. It was a sound she’d never heard the blonde make before. And one she very much wanted to hear again. Her tongue teased the edge of the younger detective’s lips, requesting entrance. It was granted at once, the faint taste of black coffee combined with something which was uniquely and unmistakably Amanda Rollins.

“Liv,” came a mumbled whisper.

“Amanda,” Olivia replied, as if confirming to one another that they both knew what was happening and with whom.

The kiss resumed but a little softer, as if each participant was taking stock of what had transpired between them. Olivia’s fingers teased the soft wisps of hair at the base of Amanda’s neck. The blonde’s own hands were resting on Olivia’s hips, anchoring them both in the corner of the kitchen.

Even in the movies, all good things come to an end and eventually Amanda pulled away, taking a small step back to give Olivia space as she opened her eyes and looked up at the woman before her. It took a moment for Olivia to do the same but eventually chocolate orbs met that shimmering blue gaze.

“Wow,” Amanda said, cocking her head coyly to one side. “Well, that was unexpected.”

“It was,” Olivia agreed. “At least, I had no idea you even felt ….” She trailed off, not wanting to assume that there were any feelings from the blonde’s side involved in what had just happened.

But Amanda rolled her eyes, recognising the self-doubt and wanting to shut it down immediately. “Liv, have you seen you? Have you met you? How could I not have feelings for you? If anyone should be surprised about what just happened, it’s me.”

“How so?”

A shrug and Amanda stepped back again, out of Olivia’s personal space. “I dunno. I guess I’m just used to crushing on women who are unattainable, outta my league and just generally too good for me. My type is flighty, hot mess, kinda like me. I’ve never had feelings for someone who actually has their shit together and who likes me back.”

“Don’t put yourself down like that,” Olivia said, following Amanda to the other side of the small kitchen and gripping the woman’s elbows lightly. “Don’t ever think that anyone is out of your league or too good for you. You’re an incredible individual, Amanda Rollins, and anyone would be lucky to have you. I would be lucky to have you,” she added, realising that there were a lot more conversations the two of them needed to have to work out what was going on between them and what they both wanted. Conversations, and time, that was what they needed now.

Amanda allowed herself a smile. “You’re very sweet, thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Olivia replied. “Um, may I kiss you again?”

Amanda nodded shyly and closed her eyes as Olivia dipped her head to claim those pale lips once more. They melted into one another, this time with Amanda leaning against the counter and Olivia pressed against her. They only broke apart when Amanda’s fridge made a strange gurgling noise, causing Olivia to look at it with alarm.

“It’s fine. It always does that,” Amanda said, waving it off as an annoying occurrence but one which she’d grown to live with.

“You need a new fridge.”

“It is new, it was just dirt cheap. That’ll teach me.”

Olivia chuckled. “Well, it’s a mood killer. I vote for you to replace it.”

“If it means I get to kiss you more, I’d say that is a price I am willing to pay,” Amanda said, looping her finger in Olivia’s belt hook and giving the strip of fabric a quick tug. The brunette went willingly, melding her lips back to the blonde’s in what was rapidly becoming a familiar action. But again the kiss didn’t last long. This time it was ended by Olivia who had some more questions she needed to ask.

After suggesting they move to the couch so they could have a proper conversation, Olivia found herself looking at Amanda and imagining how much had changed since they had last sat there together. True, it had become apparent to Olivia over the past few weeks that she felt something for her blonde co-worker but she had never thought to act on it, let alone entertained the idea that her feelings were reciprocated. Come to think of it, she still wasn’t sure whether they were. That had to be the first question, she decided.

“I think we need to clarify where we are with each other,” she began.

“On the couch?” Amanda drawled, that cheeky southern glint in her eye.

Olivia couldn’t help but grin back at her before clarifying. “I like you, Amanda. And I know this is all very new information and I think we’ve got a lot to talk about but I suppose the first thing to say is that from my perspective, I’d like to see where this goes.”

“You mean you want to date?” Amanda asked.

“I guess ... yeah, I guess that’s what I mean.”

“Are you asking me out on a date?” Amanda pressed, that teasing tone back in her voice.

Olivia found herself smiling again. She did that a lot around the blonde. “I suppose I am. But only if that’s something you’d be interested in.”

“Would I be interested in dating the most smokin’ hot detective in the whole of the NYPD? Hmm, lemme think about that for a second. Geez, Liv, do you really have no idea how many people would kill to be in my position?”

“I highly doubt anyone would kill to date me and if they did, I don’t think they’re the sort of person I’d want to date, to be fair.”

Amanda sighed at Olivia’s pragmatic approach. “You know what I mean. You’re a catch. You’re more than a catch. You’re _the_ catch, Liv. Of course I’d be interested in dating you if you’re genuinely wanting to date me. God knows why after last night but -”

“Hey, last night has nothing to do with this, with us. What you told me may have brought us closer together but it has not changed how I see you nor how I feel about you,” Olivia said, reaching over to grasp Amanda’s hand. “You’re more than your past, Amanda. Don’t let it define you. And don’t ever for a moment think I’d ever judge you for what happened down in Georgia. I want to know about your life down there, of course. But I’m more interested in who you are, not what you’ve done. I want to know who you’ll become and what you’re going to do. I … fuck, this is too soon. Forget I said anything.”

“No, go on. Tell me, I can take it,” Amanda urged, enraptured by the woman’s words.

Something in the woman’s earnest expression gave her the courage to find the right words, even if it did feel way too soon. “I see a future with you, Amanda. And I know that’s crazy after a handful of kisses in your kitchen. Hell, I’ve only known you a few months. And I’m not trying to put too much pressure on whatever happens between us. We’ll let things unfold naturally but something tells me you’re going to be in my life for a long time. Even if things don’t work out with us and we just work together, for some reason, I think you’re a big part of my future.”

Amanda let the confession sink in before pressing herself onto her knees and leaning across the couch to kiss Olivia soundly, a silent sign that she accepted and agreed with the words spoken. Olivia’s fingers caught the tumble of blonde hair which fell across their cheeks and tucked it back up, threading her hands into the rest of the woman’s locks.

“I hope we have a future together,” Amanda whispered against Olivia’s lips as she pulled back slightly. “I’m not great with relationships and dating though, so be patient with me?”

“And you’ll need to be patient with me too,” Olivia replied, stroking those high cheekbones with her thumbs. “It’s been a while since I’ve dated anyone I’ve actually known or liked or been interested in dating anyone more than once. Let’s just agree to take it one step at a time.”

“Would step one be that date you offered?” Amanda asked. Olivia grinned and nodded as Amanda settled herself back on the couch but much closer than she was. “In that case, I’ll accept.”

Another kiss sealed the deal, shorter this time. Olivia still had more things she wanted to discuss.

“We have to keep things quiet at work,” she said.

Amanda pouted. “You mean we can’t make out in the breakroom? But I had so many dirty fantasies involving you and your desk.”

Has my brain short circuited? Olivia thought to herself as she struggled to remember how to speak. By the time words had formed, Amanda was laughing to herself at the frankly effective way in which she had rendered the brunette speechless.

“You’re incorrigible,” Olivia sighed, poking Amanda in the side.

“Hey!” she yelped, shifting away before sliding back into Olivia’s outstretched arms. “You like my incorrigibility.”

“I’ll never admit to that,” Olivia said, pressing a kiss to Amanda’s forehead as the woman nestled into her side. “But we can’t go broadcasting this to people, Amanda. You understand that, right?”

“What is the NYPD policy on co-workers dating?” Amanda asked. “It happens, right?”

“It does and it’s not explicitly prohibited but cops in relationships shouldn’t be partners. It can compromise our ability to do our jobs. And then superiority comes into play too. If I were to be too many ranks above you, that could be an issue.”

“You’d better stop getting promoted then,” Amanda teased. “Or at least wait for me to catch up.”

“You’ll be catching me up in no time. You’re a great cop. Beyond protocol, though, I was actually thinking we should keep it quiet from the squad to begin with. I don’t know if you’d noticed but I’m a private person. I don’t like people at work knowing about my dating life, especially not when someone from work is involved. Plus until we figure out what’s going on between us, I’d rather keep whatever this is to ourselves. Is that ok?”

“Of course,” Amanda nodded. “I don’t like shouting about my dating life either. Not that there’s been much to shout about recently.”

“Me neither.”

“But, for the record, I would be so proud to tell anyone I was dating Detective Olivia Benson. So the moment we get to a place where we know what we are and that we’re ready to go public, I’m marching into the bullpen and announcing it to the world, ok?”

Olivia laughed. “Ok, but how about we get that first date out of the way first. You never know, you might discover you don’t like me.”

“Impossible,” Amanda said, turning her head and kissing Olivia softly. “I’m free on Saturday after our shift.”

“Perfect,” Olivia replied. “I can’t wait.”

“Me neither,” Amanda said, eyes fluttering closed as those plump lips covered her own once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: People seemed pretty happy to see our ladies making some progress last week. I hope this furthered that progress!


	11. Preparation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: happy Tuesday!

This wasn’t the first time Olivia had been romantically involved in someone at work. Over the years there had been a few dalliances with fellow police officers, although these were more concentrated at the start of her career. As the years wore on, Olivia had chosen to distance her professional and private life wherever possible. She valued her privacy greatly and was keen to separate herself from her job, even though it was such a huge part of her life. Elliot had been the one person who straddled both areas successfully.

She found that relationships which started in the office rarely left it. The few tentative attempts at dating which went beyond one or two meals had been stalled when it became clear that they had little in common on topics beyond the uniform. And simply sharing a job title or an office wasn’t enough to allow these relationships to continue for more than a few months.

But Olivia knew that she and Amanda wouldn’t have that problem. Sure, she wasn’t clear exactly how their future would unfold but she did know they’d never run out of things to say or get bored of one another. Even though it had only been a few months since the blonde detective had popped up in her life, Olivia could tell that she would never find Amanda dull.

There was something else too, something more. Olivia didn’t know what it was but she certainly recognised it that morning when Amanda appeared in the bullpen. It had only been a few hours since she’d left the younger woman’s apartment, reluctantly heading back to her own place to shower and change before walking into work. The lingering kiss they’d shared was still a ghost on her lips when the blonde strolled over to her desk, greeting everyone as she took her seat before shooting a wide grin at Olivia.

For her part, Olivia promptly blushed and looked down at her keyboard where she began furiously typing to finish up the report she had not submitted the night before. The reaction was embarrassingly juvenile. It had also not gone unnoticed. She could feel Amanda’s eyes on her and when the woman announced she was getting a coffee, something told Olivia she should follow. No, something in Olivia screamed at her to follow.

“Hey, you want one?” Amanda asked as she glanced over her shoulder at the sound of the break room door opening and seeing the statuesque woman entering.

“Yeah, thanks,” Olivia said, leaning against the counter and watching the blonde go about the practice of making their drinks, just as Olivia had done for them back in the younger woman’s apartment.

“So, what’s up?” Amanda asked, tipping the steaming dark liquid into the second mug.

“Nothing.”

Amanda laughed. “Yeah, right. You went bright red when I said hello to you just now. What’s wrong? Are you imagining me pinning you up against the kitchen cabinet just a few hours ago?”

“Amanda!” Olivia exclaimed. “Keep your voice down.”

The woman shook her head in amusement, picking up Olivia’s coffee and handing it over. “Firstly, there is no one in here except you and I and we were both present for the pinning incident. And secondly, you blushing like a tomato is more suspicious than anything I’ve said or done so far. I mean, it would have been weirder if I hadn’t said hello to you, right?”

Olivia had to admit that was right. “Yeah, ok, I need to work on my reaction. But like I told you, we need to keep this on the downlow.”

“And I’ve done nothing to make people suggest that I know what your tongue feels like in my mouth.”

Olivia wondered whether her cheeks were hot enough to fry an egg on at that moment. What was wrong with her? She was used to talking about sex, well sexual assaults, in honest, abrupt language. Hell, half of her life was spent talking with victims and encouraging them to use specific, accurate words to describe body parts. What Amanda was saying was accurate. So why was Olivia’s face on fire? Amanda, for her part, seemed to be enjoying herself.

“I just …” Olivia cast around for the right words. “I guess I’m getting used to this, that’s all. It’s new and I always told myself I wouldn’t get involved with anyone from work again. Don’t worry, I’ll get over it.”

“You sure?” Amanda asked, suddenly sobering. “Cos, you know, if you don’t think you can do this, tell me now. I’d rather find out today than weeks or months down the line when people start talking. And they will talk, Liv. If we keep dating, people are going to find out. You’re going to have to come to terms with that or decide if it’s something you can’t deal with.”

“I know and I don’t want to pull the plug before we’ve even given us a chance,” Olivia reassured. “That’s not what this is about. I suppose I’m not used to reacting like this.”

At that, Amanda grinned and waggled her eyebrows and stepped a little closer, eyes flicking down to Olivia’s parted lips. “Oh yeah? And what sorta reaction are you havin’ to me?” she asked, exacerbating her Georgian drawl.

Olivia rolled her eyes at the innuendo but couldn’t deny that Amanda’s teasing had some truth in it. “Come on, we’ve got to get back to work. People will talk.”

“They won’t talk about two colleagues getting coffee but they might talk about those.”

Amanda pointed to Olivia’s chest where, when the brunette looked down, she noticed the faintest shadows of her erect nipples straining through her blouse.

“You’re a nightmare,” Olivia groaned as Amanda let out a peal of laughter while the brunette tried to readjust her blouse to allow her to get back to her desk where she could shrug on her blazer.

“And you’re horny,” Amanda said, walking right up to Olivia and pausing before her, looking up into those big brown eyes. “Don’t worry, Detective. I had to take a long cold shower after you left this morning and I’ll need another one by the end of the shift. However turned on I make you, trust me, I feel it too.”

And with that, Amanda strolled past Olivia who only let out the breath she had been holding when she heard the blonde ask Nick how his morning off had been.

* * *

The rest of the week passed in much the same fashion. Amanda seemed to relish every opportunity she found to tease the senior detective, sometimes going out of her way to ensure the two of them were alone but never alone enough for anything to happen. By the time their shift ended on Saturday, Olivia was practically vibrating with anticipation.

It was new; this excitement. Sure, she’d looked forward to dates in the past but this was different. She had been planning all week what she and the blonde would do together during their precious hours away from the precinct. Now all that was left was to see if Amanda liked her idea.

The moment their shift ended, both women all but leapt to their feet. If Nick and Fin noticed how keen their colleagues were to leave for the night, they didn’t say anything. It wasn’t as if they weren’t eager to leave as well. Within five minutes, all four of them had vacated the bullpen and were travelling down in the elevator together. In the presence of their colleagues, neither Amanda nor Olivia said a word. It wasn’t until they’d stepped out onto the street and said goodnight to the men that they acknowledged one another’s presence.

“So, where are you taking me?” Amanda asked, looking up at Olivia and grinning widely.

“It’s a surprise,” Olivia replied, falling into step beside the blonde as they walked in the direction of their apartments. “Wear something warm and comfortable. I’ll pick you up in an hour, if that’s ok?”

“Can’t you just tell me what we’re going to do now?” Amanda pouted, slipping her arm through Olivia’s as she walked and huddling up to the woman. Olivia wasn’t sure whether the move was just because she wanted to be close to her or because snow had started to drift down from the skies. That week had seen the first dusting fall across Manhattan after the earlier storm blew itself away. Either way, Olivia wasn’t going to complain and she placed a gloved hand over Amanda’s as it rested on her forearm.

“I’m sure you can be patient for a little longer,” Olivia teased. “I’m fairly sure you’ll enjoy yourself.”

They reached the crossroads where they had to part ways and stopped, sheltering in the doorway of a building. Amanda was reluctant to detach herself from Olivia but was also eager to get home and get ready for this mysterious date.

“Fine, I’ll wait. But just so you know, I’m not telling you what I’m planning for your birthday in a few days time.”

Olivia opened her mouth to protest that she didn’t want to celebrate her birthday but Amanda got there before her, insisting that it wasn’t going to be anything more than just the two of them, somewhere quiet. “Well, that is if tonight goes well and you don’t realise you’ve made a mistake,” the blonde added when she’d finished reassuring the older woman.

The self-doubt was evident in her tone and made Olivia’s heart ache. How did the woman before her not know what a catch she was? Taking a glance up and down the street, Olivia leaned forwards and placed a chaste kiss on a downturned mouth. “This isn’t a mistake,” she murmured as she pulled back. “I’ll see you in fifty minutes.”

* * *

By the time the buzzer to her apartment rang exactly fifty minutes later, Amanda was not ready. In fact, she was standing in the middle of her bedroom in her underwear, surrounded by a sea of clothes which she’d pulled out of her wardrobe and promptly discarded. Frannie watched her mistress from the bed with what looked suspiciously like amusement. It was not the first time she’d watched this bizarre display of behaviour.

“Crap,” she muttered, climbing over the mound of fabric between her and the door and hurried across her apartment to let Liv in. “The door’s on the latch. I’ll be five minutes,” she called into the receiver before flicking the catch on the lock and rushing back into her room.

There was no more time. A decision had to be made. Given the bitter weather which was outside and the fact that Olivia had told her to dress warm, Amanda finally plumped for her black skinny jeans. She tugged them on and was wriggling her hips to get the denim to settle in place when she heard Olivia enter her apartment and call out her presence.

“Two minutes. I’m just, you know, um -”

“Take your time,” Olivia called back as Amanda scooped up a black tank top and thrust her arms through the holes. This was paired with a navy blue blouse and would be finished off with her favourite jacket. She hoped it wasn’t too formal, too work-like. The clothes happened to be what Amanda felt most comfortable in. And sexiest in.

With time having run out, she gathered up armfuls of clothes and threw everything into her closet. Just in case the date, well, she wouldn’t let herself dream of such an ending. Dreading the task of putting everything back on hangers, she pushed the door shut and turned to the mirror. Luckily she’d done her makeup before choosing the outfit, knowing the decision of what to wear might make her late. Which, it had.

Grabbing her leather jacket from her bed, the one piece of clothing she’d decided on days before, Amanda returned to the living room to greet her guest. And date. And friend. And colleague. Well, this was going to be an interesting night.

“I’m so sorry, Liv. I … wow.”

She stopped short when she took in the sight of the woman before her. The heels the brunette was wearing, black ankle boots, gave the tall woman a couple of extra inches than usual. That, paired with the fact that Amanda was just wearing socks threw their height difference into sharp relief. That was the first thing that struck Amanda but it was closely followed by the way the woman’s outfit hugged every curve in a way that she was fairly sure had to be illegal. Dark blue jeans and a tight, blood red shirt, the woman had slung her heavy winter coat over her arm upon entering the warm cocoon that was Amanda’s apartment.

“Wow yourself,” Olivia said, recognising that Amanda’s unfinished sentence was as a result of her appearance. And she wasn’t exactly disappointed in the reaction. She had been hoping the woman would be pleased with the look. If she was honest with herself, she had been apprehensive. After all, she was quite a bit older than Amanda who was a pint-sized, blonde bombshell, to use the cliche expression. Judging from the slackjaw expression, however, Amanda was speechless. Which had to be a positive thing in the circumstances. “So, are you ready?”

“Um, yeah, hang on,” Amanda said, pulling flat black boots of her own out of the cupboard by the front door and jamming her feet in. As she did this, Frannie hopped up on the couch, recognising that the rest of the night’s events wouldn’t involve her. “So, are you going to tell me where we’re going now?”

“No,” Olivia asked. “You’ve waited all week. What’s a few more minutes?”

Amanda pouted but didn’t try and argue. What was the point? And anyway, what mattered was the fact that she was about to go on a date with Detective Olivia Benson.

“Hey, you look beautiful by the way,” Amanda said as Olivia turned to open the apartment door.

“Thanks,” Olivia smiled. “You look gorgeous too.”

Amanda beamed and followed Olivia out into the hall, shouting out goodnight to Frannie who had been watching the exchange from the couch. But out in the hall, her progress was cut short as she walked into Olivia’s back.

“What’s up? Did you forget something?” she asked, confused as to why the woman wasn’t moving further down the corridor.

“Just this,” Olivia said, spinning on the spot and cupping Amanda’s face as she kissed her, hard and firm. There was a moment of surprise but Amanda was quickly kissing her back, not caring that the carefully applied lipstick would be smudged now.

“Sorry, couldn’t wait a moment longer,” Olivia said when they broke apart. “You really are beautiful, Amanda Rollins.”

“You scrub up pretty good yourself, Liv. Come on, let’s get this date underway before the not knowing kills me.”

Olivia nodded her agreement and reached to take Amanda’s hand in her own as they set off out of the building and into the cold New York night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Next up, the date! Any ideas for what our ladies might do?


	12. Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Clearly my date idea wasn’t very original. Two people guessed it! Also, I’m proof reading this after a glass or two of wine so, yeah ...

“Geez, I’m not sure about these New York winters,” Amanda grumbled as they trudged down the snowy sidewalk.

“Not what you’re used to?” Olivia asked, glancing sideways at the woman whose face was barely visible in the gap between her beanie and chunky knitted scarf. The skin that was exposed was pink.

“I mean, it gets cold but not like this. That wind is bitter! And Fin said this’ll last for weeks now, right?”

“It depends but I think we’re due a cold spell, yeah. You’ve got to admit the snow is pretty though.”

Amanda looked around. Well, it was true that there was a pristine layer of white snow across many of the obstacles on the street. But the snow which landed in the road had dissolved into a grey sludge and the sidewalk was much the same, only with patches of icy compressed snow making walking hazardous to boot. And then Amanda looked up at her date. Against the darkness of the New York night and the woman’s chocolate hair, Amanda had to admit that the snowflakes which had landed on the woman’s head, shoulders and even eyelashes were rather beautiful. Or maybe it was just the canvas they were decorating. 

“Yeah, ok, it’s pretty,” Amanda grinned goofily, nudging Olivia lightly with her arm before linking her hand through the crux of the woman’s elbow. “So, where are we going?”

Olivia decided that question didn’t warrant an answer. After all, both women knew she wasn’t going to give one. And anyway, they were less than a block away. To that end, Amanda wrinkled her nose at the obstruction on the sidewalk ahead; a large group of excitable tourists. The two women were forced to step off the street into the road to pass them. 

“God, I hate how busy this city gets at times. You know, I’ve barely come this far north except for work. I just can’t deal with the crowds.”

“I know, they’re annoying at times but you can’t blame them. New York is the greatest city in the world; of course people want to come and experience the magic. And in New York, there are certain things you’ve got to see.”

“Yeah but we’re not tourists,” Amanda grumbled. “Can’t we go somewhere where they aren’t. You’re a Manhattan gal; aren’t there some secret hideaways you could introduce me to?”

Olivia tried not to take the slight about her date planning personally. She understood Amanda’s animosity towards the large, loud crowds which were indeed swarming the streets as they drew closer to their destination. And yes, it was annoying. Olivia herself had found herself exasperated at the slow walking and inconsiderate subway usage which accompanied those from out of town. But she also believed that it would all be worth it. 

“Shit, sorry Liv,” Amanda sighed when Olivia didn’t say anything. “I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m sure you’re about to take me on the best date of my life.”

“No pressure, huh?” Olivia grinned as they rounded the corner. 

If Amanda had been a Manhattan local, like Olivia, she would probably have guessed where they were going as they walked up Fifth Avenue, considering the woman’s instruction for how to dress. The venue wasn’t exactly original for this time of year and it wasn’t the first time Olivia had gone on a date to this exact spot. But that didn’t mean it wasn’t still magical. And judging by the way Amanda’s face, reddened by the winter weather, seemed to perk up at the sight before her, she felt like she’d made the right choice.

“So, will this do or shall we go and find some quiet restaurant away from the crowds?” Olivia asked, wanting to give Amanda a way out if she really didn’t want to be around people. 

But the blonde vigorously shook her head and grabbed Olivia’s hand, tugging her forwards and into the throng. Olivia laughed and followed willingly, digging around in her pocket to pull out her phone where she could pull up the booking confirmation. As they got closer to the entrance, Olivia took the lead, steering Amanda around to the side and waving once she spotted who she was looking for. 

“Hey Bella, how are you?” Olivia asked as they reached the barrier. 

“I’m great thanks, Detective Benson,” the young woman replied. “How are you? How’s Detective Stabler?”

Olivia stiffened. Amanda felt it, the way the woman’s fingers twitched at the mention of her partner’s name. She tried to ignore the flutters of anxiety, of jealousy, of curiosity which flared within her.

“He’s moved on actually. In fact, Detective Amanda Rollins is one of our new cops down at the precinct. And how many times do I have to tell you to call me Olivia?” the detective admonished gently, prompting the young woman standing before them to nod in acquiescence. “Anyway, Amanda this is Bella. Bella and her mom were witnesses to a case a few years ago which ended up being dragged through the court system for months. We couldn’t have caught the guy without them and they were so patient and understanding of all the hoops we had to jump through. And even after all that, Bella still does me favours.”

“Well, I let you jump the line. I’m afraid I’m not senior enough to get you free entry.”

“I’m not that cheap,” Olivia remarked. “I’m more than happy to pay to enjoy this space.”

“It is pretty magic, isn’t it?” Bella mused, turning to face her place of work and gazing up at the glittering tree in front of her. Even weeks into the holiday season, it still held a special sort of magic for the young woman. “Right, come with me. We’ll get you booted up.”

The duo followed Bella into the little hut where rows and rows of ice skates waited to be loaned out. Bella whisked them to the front of the line, passed them over to a colleague and then wished the women goodnight. Minutes later, Olivia and Amanda were lacing their feet into the unwieldy skates. Once done, Olivia stood up, testing her balance on the spongy floor. 

“Right, are you ready?” she asked as Amanda did the same. 

“Yep,” Amanda nodded. “But I should probably tell you something.”

“What?”

“I’ve never been ice skating before.”

“What? Never?” Olivia exclaimed. “How is that possible?”

Amanda shrugged, biting her lip. “I dunno. It’s not a big thing down in Georgia and it wasn’t like we had much money to go out doing fancy things. And then when I got older, it kinda seemed like something only kids do. Even though I know that’s not true and this is a super romantic date idea, Liv. I love that you brought me here. But, well, let’s face it, I’m gonna fall flat on my ass in about five seconds and that ain’t gonna be sexy.”

Olivia stepped over to the woman and looped her arms around her waist. “Hey, you let me worry about what’s sexy, ok? I’ll help you find your feet. I’ve been skating since I was a little kid and while I’m no Tonya Harding -”

“Thank god, she was a bitch,” Amanda interjected.

“- I promise I’ll do my best to keep you upright.”

“Ok,” Amanda replied. “I’ll give it a go. I’ll try anything once. But I’m just warning ya, this might not be a pretty sight.”

“It’s you, Amanda. Of course this is going to be a pretty sight.” 

The statement was sealed as true with a short kiss before Olivia stepped away and held out her hand to Amanda. The two of them wobbled their way across the rubber floor, Olivia reassuring her date that it was in many ways easier on the ice than on the matting they were currently stepping across. When they reached the edge of the rink, Olivia stepped on first before turning and skating back to the edge, holding out both hands to Amanda.

“This is a mad thing to do, if you think about it,” Amanda said, taking Olivia’s hands in her own. “Someone strapped knives to the bottom of shoes and stepped onto slick frozen water. Who invented this crap?”

Olivia laughed and slid backwards slightly, allowing Amanda to take her first tentative step onto the ice. She only got one foot onto the surface before she felt her balance go. 

“Try holding onto the side rather than me while you get on. It’s sturdier,” Olivia suggested, skating around to a little way down the wall and guiding Amanda’s hands to the top of the structure. 

Amanda dutifully placed her hands on the top and eased her second foot onto the ice. She looked sideways at Olivia and offered her a shy smile. The brunette smiled back reassuringly before skating around to stand beside Amanda’s left hip, looping her right arm around the woman’s waist. 

“Hold on for as long as you need to but when you choose to let go, I’ve got you,” Olivia murmured in Amanda’s ear as the younger woman set off with that classic newbie shuffle around the edge of the rink.

After two laps and several csonversations, Amanda decided to brave lifting her hands off the wall. Olivia’s arm around her waist tightened slightly as she wobbled upright, slowing to a stop since she didn’t have the movement necessary to propel herself forwards. 

“You’re doing great,” Olivia encouraged as the blonde tried to take a little step forward. “But instead of picking your foot up and putting it down like you’re walking, try pushing off with your back foot and placing the boot down with the blade directly on the ice, not toe or heel first, then lean forwards and your weight will propel you.”

With Olivia’s patient guidance, Amanda slowly made her way around the rink once more, without the aid of the wall for the most part although the occasional wobble sent gloved hands flying for the security of the structure. But as they moved, the wobbles reduced and as they started their fourth lap, Amanda seemed to have got the action of the glide down. 

“Am I doing good?” Amanda asked, tongue stuck out between her teeth as soon as she finished the question as another skater came a bit too close for comfort. 

“You’re doing amazing,” Olivia reassured. “Far better than I did on my first time.”

“I doubt that. You were a kid. That means you would have been fearless. I’m acutely aware that if I fall and get my fingers sliced off by an ice skate, I can’t shoot a gun any more. And I love my gun.”

Olivia rolled her eyes. While she had become comfortable holding a firearm as a police officer, she had never felt any particular warmth towards it. As far as she was concerned, it was a tool, nothing more. She certainly didn’t agree with the second amendment being taken so literally and was keen for tighter gun control. But their date wasn’t the time to get into a political debate on the topic and instead she just skated slowly alongside Amanda and shielded her from those cocky skaters zipping past. 

It was on the sixth circuit, when Amanda was finally getting up some semblance of speed, that the inevitable happened. It was quick. Olivia was barely aware of what happened but one moment Amanda was beside her, grinning cautiously as she moved past a child holding their father’s hand, and the next thing a flurry of blonde hair cascaded in front of the taller detective and landed at her feet. 

Olivia managed to stop herself before she skated into the blonde who had found herself sat on her butt on the cold surface and crouched at once to make sure the woman wasn’t hurt. 

“Are you ok?” she asked, brushing the tangle of hair away from Amanda’s face which was beet red. A combination of the cold air and the embarrassment, she assumed. 

“Stupid skate got caught on something,” Amanda grumbled, looking behind her and predictably seeing nothing which could account for her slip on the glassy ice.

Olivia was kind enough to not suggest that perhaps Amanda tripped over herself and instead helped the woman to her feet, brushing off the little white patches of powdered ice which clung to her jeans. 

“Are you hurt?” she asked, holding onto Amanda’s hands to steady her. 

“Just my pride,” Amanda replied with a shrug. 

With Olivia’s help, the duo set off again, Amanda dismissing Olivia’s offer to call it a day even though they had fifteen minutes left on their session. Never one to waste an experience, Amanda skated until their time was up, with only a couple of little wobbles and no more wipeouts. She was breathless and pink-faced as they stepped off the ice and back into the little hut where they had to return their boots. 

The smile which Amanda gave her when they took their seats was almost too much. Despite the fall, she was positively radiating. Olivia couldn’t help but lean over and kiss the woman soundly, trapping the woman’s lower lip between her own briefly before pulling away. 

“Did you enjoy that?”

“It was awesome. Even though I’m sure my ass is gonna hurt like hell tomorrow,” Amanda enthused. “Thanks, Liv. This was a great first date.”

Unable to resist stealing a kiss for herself, Amanda craned her head up to kiss Olivia back, her hand reaching up and wrapping around the name of the woman’s neck. Olivia’s hand landed on her knee, the restraint evident. Amanda felt it. She knew that had they not been surrounded by people, their kiss could easily have escalated beyond what could be considered public decency. Amanda pulled away as she felt the heat pool low in her belly and looked up at Olivia with heavy eyes. The brunette blinked back, tongue tracing her lips for the lingering taste of her date.

“Well, that was quite something. But our date is not over yet.”

“It’s not?”

“You didn’t think I wasn’t going to feed you, did you? I know you, Amanda Rollins, and not getting some food into you in the next thirty minutes would be a mistake.”

The blonde laughed at the truth of that statement and nodded her agreement. Within five minutes the duo were pushing their way politely through the swarms of crowds which surrounded the Rockefeller ice rink and making their way back towards Fifth Avenue. 

“So, where are we going for dinner?” Amanda asked. 

“You’ll see,” Olivia replied, reaching for Amanda’s hand and steering her down the street.


	13. Dinner

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Part two of their date night.

Despite the women having shared many meals together in the past, this felt different. While Amanda believed herself to be an ardent feminist, and knew Olivia proudly shared that label, she still felt a little glow of warmth when the senior detective pulled out the chair in the restaurant for her. The restaurant itself was also a step up both from the takeouts they’d shared in one another’s apartments and the food they’d eaten with the rest of the squad at the police precinct. 

It was unmistakably a date restaurant. The room was bathed in a soft red glow, intimate tables for two spread far enough apart to provide the illusion of privacy, even though the place was busy and there were people nearby who could eavesdrop if they so chose to. But no one seemed interested in listening to what other couples were saying. They were all too focused on the one person opposite them. The space was brimming with the excitement and promise of new relationships, interspersed with the more muted but stronger and more enduring passions which came from several tables where older couples appeared to be celebrating anniversaries or other occasions. 

“It’s not too much?” Olivia had asked when she saw Amanda’s expression as the younger woman caught sight of the menu. She wasn’t referring to the prices so much as the slightly pretentious way the meals were named and described. The prices she would be worrying about. She’d already told Amanda that she wanted to pay. This was something Olivia had discovered needed to be spelt out in same sex relationships more so than during the early days of heterosexual courtings. There goes another feminist notion. 

“I’m sure the food is great. Just give me ten minutes and a French dictionary to work out what everything is,” Amanda had joked. 

But in fact they had deciphered the menu without too many problems, mostly thanks to Olivia’s excellent knowledge of European languages, and soon were enjoying their starters over a bottle of wine which Olivia had chosen. Amanda mock bowed to the woman’s superior knowledge of wines and had not been disappointed in the choice. 

It was one of those restaurants which thought that because their food was so amazing, they only needed to serve a teaspoonful of each amount. Amanda wolfed down her starter and started picking at the bread basket. Olivia held off, not wanting to spoil her main. But that was annoyingly small too. True, the flavours were rich and the food was delicious but she didn’t feel exactly full as she finished the last forkfull. At that point, she reached out and picked up one of the remaining slices of rye, using it to mop up the remaining sauce on her plate. Amanda did the same before leaning back in her chair and patting her flat stomach in satisfaction. 

“Delicious,” Amanda declared. 

“It was. Are you full?” Olivia asked as their plates were cleared.

“Stuffed,” the blonde nodded.

“Would you like to see the dessert menu?” the waiter asked, a Parisian lilt to his words.

Amanda hesitated for a moment, prompting Olivia to answer for her. “Yes please.”

The younger woman grinned and Olivia matched her expression. Those grins only widened when the chocolate torte with raspberry coulis arrived with two spoons. 

“Ok, now I’m stuffed,” Amanda declared as they stepped out of the restaurant into the cold night air. Snow had stopped falling, leaving a delicate dusting across the sidewalks and roads, marked only by the footfalls of passersby and the tyres of New York cabs. 

“Well, you did eat most of that torte to yourself,” Olivia pointed out, wrapping her scarf more firmly around her neck before holding out her arm to Amanda who happily looped her hand through the offered gap and snuggled herself into the taller woman’s side as they set off down the street.

Olivia chuckled. “I don’t mind. I really was full. And it was so rich. I don’t know how you could possibly have eaten more than a couple of bites.”

“I’ve got a sweet tooth,” Amanda replied. “I can always make room for chocolate.”

“I’ll bear that in mind,” Olivia said. She filed the information away with everything else she’d learned about her date that evening. “So, you liked the food. You enjoyed ice skating, I think. How is this date going so far?”

Amanda looked up at the woman beside her as they walked. “I think it’s going pretty damn well. I’ve sure got a lot to live up to for the next one. Assuming you want a next date, that is?”

The woman posed the question not with trepidation but with hope. Amanda’s intuition had always been good and nothing she had picked up on that night had made her worry that Olivia was regretting asking the blonde out. Nevertheless, it was always good to confirm. 

“I’d love another date with you, Amanda,” Olivia confirmed at once. 

“Good, cos I’ve got a great idea. It doesn’t involve a fancy restaurant like that though. Is that ok?”

“Of course. I’m not a fancy restaurant type of person usually.”

“Then why choose that restaurant to take me on our first date? Do I give off a fancy restaurant vibe? Cos if I do, please tell me; I gotta stop doing that and get back to my Georgia roots. I’m a rustic gal at heart.”

Olivia laughed. “No, don’t worry. You’ve still got plenty of rustic Georgia in you. But I’d heard good things about that place. I wanted to try it and I thought you’d like the food. Plus I wanted to take you somewhere special, somewhere different. I wanted there to be a clear difference between our date tonight and the other evening meals we’ve spent together.”

“Well, you definitely managed that,” Amanda confirmed. “And that restaurant was amazing. I loved it. I’m just not used to going to spaces like that. I don’t always feel comfortable somewhere so posh.”

“I’m sorry,” Olivia said at once.

“No, I felt comfortable tonight. I felt like I belonged there, even though half the menu was in French.”

“Well, good, I’m glad. But can I ask why you felt comfortable tonight if you wouldn’t usually?”

Amanda snuggled even closer to her date. “You know for a senior detective in the NYPD, you sure are dense sometimes,” she teased. “You made me feel comfortable, Liv. And not just comfortable. You made me feel special. You made me feel like someone who deserves to be taken to fancy restaurants and drinking amazing wine and eating food which I’ve never heard of before.”

“You are special, Amanda,” Olivia whispered.

They stopped in the street. No words passed between them. They didn’t need words. Amanda turned into Olivia’s body, unhooking her hand from the woman’s arm and instead reaching up to loop both glove-enclosed hands behind the woman’s neck. “Well, you’re pretty damn amazing yourself, Olivia Benson,” Amanda replied, before reaching up to kiss her date.

Olivia wrapped her arms around the shorter woman, pulling the coated figure closer into her own body. The cold night should have deterred them but it didn’t. They just stayed there, locked in a slow, lazy kiss, pressed tightly against one another. It was only when a car sped by, splattering sludgy snow from a puddle across the women’s feet and lower calves that they broke apart.

“Great,” Olivia groaned, looking down at her wet and cold feet.

“Let’s get an Uber,” Amanda suggested. “I don’t think I want to walk back in wet shoes and the subway will be hell at this time on a Saturday.”

“Good idea,” Olivia said, pulling out her phone and opening the app. As she tapped away at the screen, the two of them moved back from the edge of the sidewalk and huddled in the shadows of a building, just beyond the edge of the glow from the nearest street light. 

“What are you doing?” Amanda asked as she watched Olivia tap the plus sign to add a stop.

“Putting your address in,” Olivia replied. “Why?”

“Oh, I kinda thought … never mind.”

Olivia paused what she was doing when the blonde tailed off. “You thought what?” she asked, suspecting she knew the assumption the woman had made but wanting her to say it before she jumped to any conclusions. 

“Nothing, don’t worry. Two stops is good. Sensible.”

Or maybe she’d have to say it, Olivia thought to herself. “Did you think we’d be staying the night together?”

Through the darkness, Olivia could see the woman beside her blush. “Well, I mean, it’s not like we’ve not stayed at each other’s apartments before,” she justified. 

“I know but that was when we were just friends,” Olivia replied. “If we’re going to date and build a relationship, I figured we’d want to take things slowly at first, particularly given we work together.”

“Right, sure,” Amanda nodded, recognising Olivia’s reasons. “But, you know, it’s not like we’re strangers. This might have been a first date but it’s not like we’re starting from scratch. We know each other. Hell, we’ve made out in my kitchen and on my couch. I think we’ve already gone past what would usually happen on a first date.”

“That may be true but I still think we should have two stops on this Uber journey,” Olivia replied. 

“Oh, ok.”

Amanda fell silent again but this time her words and tone made Olivia lock her phone and turn her attention fully to her date. “For the record, I do want to come back to yours,” she said, using her finger to guide Amanda’s crestfallen face up to look at her. “I want to come back with you more than anything, believe me.”

“And I want you to come back, so what’s the problem?” Amanda asked.

Olivia hesitated, searching for the right words. “I just think we should wait. Not for long. Just a few dates. I need us both to be sure this is what we want, Amanda. I can’t face the thought of having you and then losing you but still having to work alongside you every day. At least, not because we rushed into something we aren’t ready for. Let’s just give ourselves to adjust to what are some pretty huge changes in our relationship, ok? I really think it’ll be better for us in the long run.”

“Ok,” Amanda agreed reluctantly. “I get your point and you’re probably right. But, for your record, there is nothing I want more than for you to come back to mine right now and stay the night in my bed. I even put on my favourite matching lace underwear for you.”

The brunette suddenly forgot how to swallow. After stuttering for a few seconds, a consequence Amanda felt extremely proud of, Olivia found her voice once more. “I, um, errr, I mean ...”

Ok, she found her voice, not her words. But words weren’t necessary. Amanda just winked salaciously before sliding Olivia’s phone from her hands, unlocking it (she knew Liv’s passcode) and finishing off the Uber order with a few taps, including adding her own to Olivia’s list of ‘saved places’.

“Three minutes,” she informed her date as she handed the phone over and moved even closer into Olivia’s personal space. “And while I completely respect your decision to not stay at mine tonight, even though you’d be more than welcome, there’s nothing to stop us making out until our ride gets here, right?”

Again, no words were needed. Olivia just wrapped her arms around the shorter woman and sealed their lips together once more. The embrace was afforded a modicum of privacy in the shadows of the building on the relatively quiet street so both parties felt no need to hold back. Despite the bulk of the older woman’s coat, Amanda found her hands trailing up and down her shapely curves, mapping the body beneath her fingers as their tongues danced. Olivia pulled her even closer, pressing themselves tightly against one another as she tasted the lingering red wine on the woman’s mouth. 

Only when Olivia’s cell, which was still in her hand, vibrated to announce that her Uber was arriving did they break apart. Through the shadows, Olivia could see Amanda’s pink cheeks, dark eyes and hear her shallow breathing. “Come on,” she said, reaching for the woman’s hand. “Before we get arrested for indecent exposure.”

Laughing, Amanda willingly followed her date over to the car which had pulled up at the sidewalk. After confirming that the driver was indeed there to pick up an Olivia Margaret Benson, “Margaret? Who puts their middle name into their Uber profile?” Amanda had exclaimed, they slid into the comfortable warmth of the rear seat.

“So, where were we?” Amanda asked after Olivia had confirmed the two addresses with the driver.

“We were in a relatively private street and we’re now in the back of this nice young gentleman’s car,” Olivia replied pointedly as the blonde slid towards her and made moves as if she wanted to pick up where they left off.

Amanda pouted but returned to her side of the vehicle, buckled up and then made do with grasping Olivia’s hand on the older woman’s thigh. Olivia smiled as she turned her palm upwards and their fingers interlaced.

“So, how many dates do you have in mind before I should wear this underwear again?” Amanda asked.

The older detective groaned quietly. “Do you have to be so blunt?”

Amanda shrugged. “I’m just getting straight to the point. Not that the point of this is sex for me,” she quickly caveated. “But I can’t deny that I am going to be disappointed when I get into my big, cold bed alone this evening. And I’d like to have something to look forward to. So are we talking three dates? Ten? Twenty? Oh god, please don’t say twenty.”

The horror in Amanda’s voice made Olivia laugh. “Don’t worry, I don’t think I could wait twenty dates either. How about we see how we’re going at five? I feel weird putting a number on it like this but I do think we need to be cautious. We don’t want to rush into something and then realise we’ve made a mistake. Does five dates sound like something you can deal with without buying yourself a vibrator to get you through?”

That last line shocked Amanda into silence, causing Olivia to smirk in triumph. She had been a little annoyed at herself for reacting as she had towards Amanda’s comment about her underwear. It was an empowering feeling to know she could have the same effect on the younger woman. And make no mistake, Olivia Benson struggled not to think about their age difference when thoughts of being intimate with Amanda surfaced. Knowing that Amanda was as attracted to her as she was to the petite, young blonde gave Olivia’s self esteem a little boost.

Olivia’s self-satisfaction didn’t last long however because Amanda recovered and managed to find words which quite possibly short circuited not only Olivia’s brain but also that of the poor Uber driver who was trying desperately to not overhear his passengers. 

“Oh darlin’, I’ve already got a collection of vibrators to choose from. And trust me, they’ll be well used every night from this evening until our fifth date.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Just upping the ante for our ladies!


	14. Busy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: sorry this is a day late - reason in bottom note!

The following morning dawned cold and bright. Winter was well and truly here, Olivia mused as she noted the snow falling softly outside her window. It was also the rarest of things; a day off. More to the point, a Sunday off. With nowhere to go and nothing pressing on her to-do list, Olivia rolled over and reached for the book on her nightstand. She loved to read but often found herself falling asleep just a few pages in after a long shift. Today, however, she was feeling bright and awake. The perfect combination for a morning of reading.

But only a few pages in, her pace was disturbed by her cell phone buzzing. “Oh god, please don’t call me in,” she muttered under her breath as she reached for the angry device. It was with relief, and then sudden curiosity when she noted who the caller was. “Good morning.” A smile spread across her face even as she answered the call.

“Hey, are you up?” came the chipper voice.

“Evidently,” Olivia laughed, sitting herself upright in bed and propping some pillows behind her before quickly snuggling back down beneath her warm duvet as the cold air brushed against her bare skin.

“I didn’t wake you?”

“No, I was awake. It is early though,” she added, glancing to the clock by her bed and noting that it was barely seven thirty. “Is everything alright?”

“I’m fine,” Amanda reassured. “Well, I’d be better if I’d woken up next to you this morning but I guess spooning with Frannie wasn’t the worst way to wake up.”

“You actually spoon your dog? I thought you were just joking.”

“Don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it,” Amanda replied as she, unbeknownst to Olivia, stroked Frannie’s velvety ears. “But I’ll accept it’s not as good as spooning with a certain naked detective.”

Olivia found herself in that increasingly familiar predicament: forgetting how to speak. It was a state she’d found herself in around the blonde several times over the past few weeks and it unnerved her. She wasn’t usually so quick to get tongue tied but something about those dulcet Georgian tones rendered her temporarily speechless.

“Um, well, I guess I should take that as a compliment,” Olivia stuttered eventually.

“Most definitely a compliment. And a complaint, all in one, really. Which is why I’m calling you to be honest.”

“To complain?”

Amanda laughed. “No, not really. Well, I guess so. It’s this five date rule, see.”

“Oh yes? What about it?” Olivia asked, suddenly feeling like she had the upper hand. It was crystal clear to her now that while she may have felt disarmed when Amanda spoke about curling up together naked in bed, the blonde herself had woken up equally eager to move their relationship to the next level.

Because this five date rule wasn’t about Olivia not wanting to go to bed with Amanda. Of course she wanted that. She had eyes! And over the months that she’d worked with Olivia, she’d grown to truly admire and care for the woman as a colleague and as a friend. But that didn’t mean that she wasn’t wary. Olivia had been hurt before. She’d become involved in relationships at work which had ended poorly and had affected her job, or at least her sense of comfort in the precinct. She didn’t want that. And, perhaps more to the point, she didn’t think she wanted whatever she and Amanda had to end at all, let alone badly. If they were going to have a future, she knew they needed to take it slow. Amanda, however, seemed to have a different idea.

“So, I was thinking, do you like brunch?”

“Brunch?”

“Yeah, smashed avo, poached eggs. You know, what the Millennials are doing.”

“I know what brunch is, Amanda. And yes I do like it, why?”

“Well, I was thinking, maybe you and I could have brunch together today. A girl’s gotta eat, right? And then I’ve gotta run some errands and stuff but maybe we could get together again this evening. Say, for dinner? And hey, whaddya know? That’ll be our third date!”

Olivia couldn’t help but giggle at the way Amanda framed her plan. It was sweet, really, the way the woman had thought to get as many dates into one day as possible.

“I’ll give you credit for persistence, I’ll tell you that for nothing,” Olivia chuckled.

There was a pause at the other end of the phone. “So … does that mean you’ll come? Or is this persistence maybe bordering on pestering?”

“No, sweetheart, not at all,” Olivia soothed, sensing that the blonde had suddenly become paranoid that perhaps what she had intended to be cute had come across as a little over the top. “You’re not pestering me at all. I think it’s endearing that you’re so keen.”

“Keen. Persistent,” Amanda repeated. “They don’t sound like positive words. You’d tell me if I was veering into stalker territory, right?”

“Don’t be silly. You’re not stalking me. And it is positive, just not something I’ve been used to. None of the people I’ve been in relationships with in the past seemed to be quite so enthusiastic when it came to spending time with me.”

“Who are these fools? I’ll go find them and whoop their asses!”

Olivia found herself laughing again. “Thanks for defending my honour but that won’t be necessary.”

“Fine, but if you ever need your honour defending, I’ll do it for you, just so you know.”

“I know you would but I like to think I can defend my own honour most of the time.”

“No doubt. So, was that a no to the brunch and the dinner plan?”

Olivia paused. To be honest, the idea of spending the day with the young blonde detective was highly appealing. But she was also aware that she’d barely spent any time in her own apartment recently and she did have some mounting washing she ought to tackle, as well as some overdue cleaning.

“How about we compromise and do one. Brunch? I could go for some of those smashed avos you spoke of.”

“Really? Date two, already?” The tone suggested that although Amanda had called with her plan, she hadn’t really believed Olivia would accept.

“Well,” Olivia hesitated, knowing she could really wind the woman up with that opening, “could we really call brunch a date?”

“We can and we will,” Amanda laughed as Olivia’s teasing. “Seriously though Liv,” she added, suddenly becoming serious. “If you do want to wait or give us more time, tell me. I don’t want to push you into anything you’re not ready for.”

“You’re not pushing me, Amanda,” Olivia reassured. “If I didn’t want to do something, or if I felt it was actually moving too fast, I would tell you. If there’s one good thing which comes with age and a few broken hearts, it’s that you learn to say what you want and what you need.”

There was a pause on the other end of the phone. “I’m sorry you’ve been hurt in the past, Liv. Know that I’ll do everything possible never to hurt you and to comfort you when others do. Thank you for putting some trust me.”

“I do trust you,” Olivia replied. “And thank you.” Their conversation had taken a rather serious turn but Olivia appreciated the openness with which they communicated. It was something she truly valued in relationships and the fact that she and Amanda were able to speak in such a way so early on was a good sign for her. “So, that brunch you mentioned, do you have a place in mind?”

“Yeah, there’s an awesome little cafe just down at the end of my street. But come here first. Frannie misses you and wants to give you a big hug and kiss in private.”

“Frannie misses me, huh?” Olivia questioned, sliding further under the duvet and feeling the warmth of the conversation fill her up just as much as the soft fabric enveloping her.

“Yep, Frannie misses you loads. She told me.”

“You’re mad,” Olivia laughed. “Ok, shall we say ten?”

“I can’t wait.”

* * *

And so, when the two women returned to the office a mere 36 hours after they’d left it, their budding relationship had two dates under its belt. Their brunch had been an extension of the atmosphere which had developed the night before; exciting, curious, tender, with a sprinkling of desire. Well, more than a sprinkling but Amanda had managed to get most of that out of her system as soon as Olivia entered her apartment.

Unfortunately, their passionate kiss had stoked a fire deep in Olivia’s belly, leaving her wondering what sort of fool would put a five date restriction in place. But by the time the eggs and avocado had arrived, she’d calmed down enough to be able to enjoy the conversation without thinking what Amanda would look like naked in her bed. Well, she mostly managed to concentrate on the conversation.

The same was true at work. They spent their days side by side, partnering on a case when Finn was off sick one day and worked with complete professionalism. Well, almost entirely. There was that one incident in the break room when Amanda had brushed her hand against Olivia’s forearm and whispered for her to follow her to the viewing area adjoined with an empty interrogation room.

“Amanda, we’re at work,” Olivia had hissed even as the blonde’s lips trailed down her neck.

“Yeah, but it’s your birthday and I can’t take you out like I planned,” Amanda justified. Due to a high case load, the evening the blonde had hoped to share with the woman on her forty-fifth birthday had had to be cancelled. Olivia brushed it off as not important while Amanda had moaned about not being able to treat her to the birthday she deserved. They’d compromised by making out in the privacy of the narrow room within the precinct, apparently.

But, aside from that incident, the two of them had been entirely professional, acting no differently with each other to ensure that their colleagues didn’t pick up on anything. It wasn’t like they were ashamed of what they were doing, although the ethics of their dating could be debated by their superiors. It was more that both women had agreed that it was right to keep quiet until they knew where their future was heading. And the next point in their future was their third date which was still only pencilled into the diary.

“Our next date seems damn far away at the moment,” Amanda grumbled on Friday night when she got off the phone with a witness and picked up her gun from her drawer. “Come on. We gotta lead.”

Olivia sighed but stood up to follow her colleague, glancing around the bull pen and making sure no one had overheard the blonde. They hadn’t. Because it was a Friday night and everyone else had left except for the two women stuck with the crappy case. Dead victim. One witness who barely saw anything. No suspects. And no evidence. Which was why instead of spending their evening together at a restaurant, as had been the plan earlier in the week, their Friday night was instead going to be spent trying and failing to track down the brother of the ex boyfriend of the victim.

By the time they returned to the precinct, bleary eyed, at six in the morning on Saturday, both women were instructed to go home and sleep. With no new leads, there were no protests. Coats were grabbed, handbags were slung over shoulders and they headed outside into the bitter winter darkness.

Neither woman said anything but they set off together and then, when they reached the junction at which Olivia usually turned towards her apartment, they just kept walking. Amanda barely noticed until she got to her apartment. Olivia, who had been aware of where her feet were taking her as soon as she veered from her familiar path home, decided to let her body guide her.

And that was how these two women found themselves standing on either side of Amanda’s bed, Frannie lying on top of the covers between them, looking at each other without knowing what to say.

“Um, you wanna borrow some pjs?” Amanda offered.

Olivia nodded and took the clothes which the blonde handed to her. Within five minutes, she was back in the bedroom dressed in the same pyjamas which she had worn the previous week. Amanda too had changed into her sleepwear while Olivia was absent.

“Just gonna brush my teeth. I’ve got a new toothbrush you can use if you want.”

And that was how these two women found themselves standing side by side in front of Amanda’s vanity brushing their teeth. Neither woman dared mention how domestic the scene looked.

“I’ve gotta pee real quick then I’ll be out,” Amanda said when they’d both finished brushing.

Olivia took her cue to leave and returned to the bedroom. Frannie hadn’t moved but when the older woman commanded the dog to her own sleeping area, she obediently jumped off the bed and curled up in her designated spot. Olivia, without thinking too much into it, padded across the room and slid beneath the sheets. The bed was cold, reminding her of the bitter winter world which had enveloped the city all week. She suddenly looked forward to the presence of another warm body in the bed with her.

It only dawned on her that that body would be Amanda’s when the blonde reappeared and set about pulling down the black out blinds, blocking out the weak winter dawn and plunging the room into an artificial night. Black out blinds were necessary for anyone in their line of work. Getting to sleep a night was a luxury they could not count on.

“I’m exhausted,” Amanda declared as she climbed into the bed.

“Me too.”

The room fell quiet again. Olivia’s presence hadn’t been questioned. Or even acknowledged, in a way. At least, not its unorthodox nature. Neither woman wanted to say anything which might break the spell which had fallen over them.

“Well, goodnight, I guess,” Amanda said eventually.

“Goodnight,” Olivia repeated.

More silence. Then; “can I kiss you good night?”

“Yes,” Olivia replied at once.

That permission was instantly taken and Amanda rolled herself into Olivia’s side. Their noses bumped together. Olivia pulled back slightly but her progress was slowed when Amanda’s hand came up to cup the back of her neck. The blonde paused her movement however, waiting to see if Olivia continued to back away, wanting to make sure the older woman was comfortable. When she moved slightly closer to Amanda, the younger woman met her half way.

“Goodnight, Olivia,” the blonde whispered before pressing her lips gently to the senior detective’s mouth.

“Goodnight, Amanda,” Olivia replied when the kiss broke, following that up with a firm kiss of her own, rolling onto her side and slinging her arm over the shorter woman’s lithe waist.

They lay like that for a long time until a quiet request broke the silence. “Can I be the little spoon?”

“Of course,” Olivia nodded, lifting her arm up as Amanda wriggled onto her other side. Once in place, she then shuffled herself backwards, pressing her body firmly against Olivia’s. The older woman let out a little groan as she felt the curve of the woman’s tight ass fitting perfectly against her pubic bone. Despite knowing the rumbling of arousal wouldn’t lead to anything, she still reached around and pulled Amanda tighter to her, pressing a kiss to the back of the woman’s neck before nuzzling softly the downy hair which lay there.

“Goodnight, Detective Rollins,” Olivia said for the third time.

“Goodnight, Detective Benson.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Just as a heads up (readers of my Quarantine Quarrels SwanQueen fic will already know this) - I’m moving house this week and probably won’t have time to write a chapter for you all next week, sorry! This chapter was delayed because packing is a bitch! If you’re bored and like my work, you can check out my completed stories on my profile. Otherwise, I’ll see you all back here in a couple of weeks.


	15. Desire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter is lightly Not Suitable For Work (NSFW). Writing smut is kinda how I got started with fanfiction and it seems to be pretty well received by the Swanqueen clan. Given there’s only a limited amount of smut out there for Rolivia, I’m hoping you guys like it too! This is just the beginning.

It took Amanda a while to work out where she was when she regained consciousness. No, she knew where she was; Frannie’s chin was resting on the edge of the mattress, big brown eyes gazing straight into her own. She was most definitely at home, in bed. But she wasn’t alone. An arm was slung across her midriff, holding her close to a warm, firm body. Behind her, against her, their face buried in her hair, her sleeping companion breathed slow and deep, still lost in dreamland. 

Amanda grinned to herself, shifting slightly as she shuffled a little closer to Olivia. But as she closed her eyes, Frannie let out a little whimper. Seriously? Amanda thought to herself. Why did she have to get a dog? Cats poop in neat little trays. Granted it’s gross to clean them out but at least you don’t have to get out of bed and leave the arms of the most perfect woman on the planet.

But on balance she decided that taking Frannie out to do her business would be less of a sacrifice than having to clear up the mess on the floor of the apartment with Olivia present. So as slowly as she could, she began to extricate herself from the woman’s koala-like grip. It took barely a few seconds for the brunette to stir and then, quite suddenly, to sit bolt upright.

“Woah, it’s ok, it’s just me,” Amanda said quickly, noting the look of panic in the woman’s eyes. “Sorry I woke you. Frannie needs to go outside. Go back to sleep.”

“What time is it?” Olivia asked, relaxing as soon as she recognised the room as well as the woman beside her. Who, she noted, was wearing rather skimpy pyjamas given the fact that New York’s winter chill had permeated the apartment. Beneath the covers, to be fair, it was wonderfully toasty. 

Amanda glanced at the clock on her bedside table to answer that question. “Just after midday. We’re not due back at the precinct for another couple of hours. Go back to sleep. I’ll join you as soon as Frannie’s done.”

“Ok,” Olivia replied, laying back down without protest, a mark of how tired she was. She pulled the duvet right up to her chin and rolled over to watch as Amanda slipped from the bed, tugged on some sweatpants which were draped over the back of a chair, and threw a large sweater over her top half. 

Frannie by this point was waiting at the bedroom door. Clearly the poor girl was dying to relieve herself. Amanda patted her as she passed, making her way down the hall and out of sight. Alone to take in the events of the day so far, Olivia first realised that she was still exhausted. This happened sometimes; she worked flat out for several months and then her body reached a point when it all but forced her to take a break. She was run down. She needed some time off. Proper time away from the city to recuperate and recharge. Perhaps a week further south, somewhere warmer. 

South Carolina maybe. She’d never been. Or further south. Georgia? She wondered whether Amanda had plans to go home for Christmas. She’d never mentioned anything. Well, Olivia had never asked. Maybe Amanda would leave for a few days at least; spend time with her family. Could Olivia -

She stopped herself. Too much. Too soon. Instead, she wriggled herself further below the covers, away from the cold air which threatened to raise goosebumps against her exposed skin. She closed her eyes. Her tired body immediately relaxed into the soft mattress, the familiar scent of the woman who had slept soundly beside her wrapped like an extra layer over her senses. 

In fact, it wasn’t just Amanda who had slept soundly. Olivia had too. She was usually a restless sleeper, alert to any movement from her bed companion; that was how she knew the blonde too had had a good sleep. From the moment her head had hit the pillow, arm wrapped securely around a lithe waist, Olivia had been fast asleep. In a way, it was a shame. Under normal circumstances, she would have wanted to enjoy the moment, relish in the intimacy of their hold. But that morning, after too many hours on the job with too few hours of sleep, all she needed was rest. Next time, however, she was determined to make sure she appreciated what she had.

This thought was reinforced a few minutes later when the front door to the apartment snapped shut and Frannie’s claws could be heard clattering across the hardwood. A cold-looking Amanda appeared soon afterwards, shaking snow from her hair, cheeks pink from the cold. Olivia didn’t think she’d ever seen anyone look quite so beautiful. 

“It’s fucking freezing out there,” Amanda expleted, narrowing her eyes at the animal who had padded into the room behind her, oblivious to her master’s disdain. 

“Get in,” Olivia replied. “I’ll warm you up.” For good measure, she flicked back the edge of the duvet invitingly.

Amanda remained rooted to the spot for a moment before springing into action. She shed her outerwear, revealing the pyjamas which she still wore beneath them and all but dived under the covers where Olivia lay giggling at her actions. It was a noise Amanda wanted to hear over and over again. 

She shuffled herself at once into Olivia’s embrace, the older woman encircling her at once, wincing as she felt Amanda’s cold fingertips on her own skin. 

“Sorry,” Amanda replied, moving her hands back and holding them tight against her own chest. “They’ll warm up in a minute but I guess you don’t want to be poked by icicles.”

“It’s not a favourite kink of mine,” Olivia replied. 

At the word kink coming from the woman before her, Amanda could have sworn her heart stopped beating for a moment. She and Olivia may have seen all kinds of sexually adventurous lifestyles on the job but there was something about Olivia’s lips forming the word ‘kink’ quite so close to her own that made it hard for Amanda’s body to remember to keep her alive. 

“Jesus,” Amanda breathed out.

Smirking, knowing exactly the impact her words had had on her colleague, Olivia brought her hand up to the back of Amanda’s head and gently guided their mouths together. The kiss was slow and almost sleepy, a warm up of sorts. But it didn’t stay that way for long.

Amanda pressed herself closer, still keeping her chilled fingers away from Olivia but wanting to be close to her in every other way. She parted her lips, trapping Olivia’s lower one between her own and teasing the tip of her tongue over the plump flesh. Olivia’s hands stroked up and down Amanda’s back, gradually moving the fabric of her cami higher and higher, fingertips grazing against smooth flesh.

Their tongues met, taking the time to get to know one another, learning the taste and tricks of the other. Olivia’s hands now splayed across the small of Amanda’s back, pressing her even closer. It still wasn’t enough. For either of them. They needed something more to satiate the heat inside their cores. Amanda bent her knee, applying a little pressure to Olivia’s legs. The older woman parted them willingly, allowing Amanda to slide hers between and then shift it upwards, her bare thigh now inching its way towards the place both women knew Olivia needed it most. 

“Amanda,” Olivia groaned quietly as she felt the slender, toned quad continue its journey, pressing her own thighs ever further apart. 

The blonde paused for a moment, not wanting to go too fast, push too far. But the way Olivia kissed her told her not to stop. It told her the woman needed more, needed her. She let out a whimper of her own when her leg pressed against the fabric between Olivia’s thighs. She could feel the heat radiating outwards, recognised the burning need of the other woman. For her. Olivia Benson wanted her. She applied a little pressure and felt her heart sing as Olivia rocked her hips in answer.

And yet…

“Liv, wait.”

Amanda broke their kiss but didn’t move her thigh. She didn’t dare move her thigh. She didn’t want to move her thigh. But she did want to press pause for a moment. 

Dark brown eyes blinked slowly open, hooded with arousal and looking at her with such intensity that Amanda almost forgot what she was going to say. But then her annoying brain clicked into gear and instead of ravishing the woman whose molten core was pressed against her bare skin, she spoke. 

“What about your five date rule?” Yep, Amanda thought to herself; I’m cock blocking myself. 

Olivia wrinkled her nose at the reminder. And then pulled back. Amanda, instinctively, went with her, her now warm fingers reaching around to keep their bodies close. Olivia raised an eyebrow. 

“What? Just because I’m being respectful of what you said you wanted before my sexiness fried your brain, doesn’t mean I’m not going to try and persuade you otherwise. I was being chivalrous but I’m not going to just stop. I mean, unless you want me to.”

Consent, of course, was always going to be paramount in their relationship. Olivia saw the flash of concern and felt the woman’s thigh begin to pull back from her body. She clamped her own legs tighter, holding her close. This time it was Amanda’s turn to look quizzical.

“I know what I said about the five date rule,” Olivia said, reaching down and cupping Amanda’s leg just above her knee. “And I thank you for reminding me of it when clearly my body had overtaken my brain. I appreciate that. But,” her fingers drummed against the smooth, sensitive skin behind Amanda’s knee, “that being said, if we’re both happy that it doesn’t go any further, I don’t see why we can’t continue as we were for a while.” As she spoke, she guided Amanda’s knee back up, her own legs parting to welcome it back into the crux of her body.

Amanda gasped, feeling the dampness now against her thigh. “Liv, you have no idea what you’re doing to me.”

The senior detective chuckled and allowed her hand to drag up the woman’s leg until it reached her pert ass. “My dear, I think you can feel what you’re doing to me so however you feel, I suspect I’m right there with you.”

They kissed once more, a hungried clash of lips and teeth, tongues now dancing with more desire than before as Olivia began to rock her hips lightly against Amanda, seeking out some friction which may alleviate some of the heat which had built up in her core. It didn’t work. All it did was turn her on more, make her desire more, make her need more.

Perhaps Amanda was right. Maybe they should have stopped. And yet even as that thought entered her head, Olivia made no move to put the brakes on. Even if it wouldn’t end the way her body wanted it to, holding Amanda like this, feeling the younger woman’s body practically vibrate with desire for her was more than she’d dared dream for herself. 

“Olivia,” Amanda gasped as she felt the woman’s hand ghost across the edge of her breast as it slid up her side towards her hair where it became lost in her tangles. 

“Do you want to stop?” Olivia asked, lips barely a millimetre from the woman’s mouth. 

“No,” Amanda said at once. “Never. I never want to stop this. But …”

She didn’t need to say anything more. Both women knew that if they didn’t pull back soon, their common sense, their reason would be overwhelmed with the burning, wanton lust which was coursing through their veins. 

Reluctantly, their kisses slowed. Amanda’s leg fell from between Olivia’s and their hands found one another, fingers tangled together between them. Foreheads pressed together, breath mingled, lips occasionally reaching for a brief caress.

“We should get dressed and head to work,” Olivia said after a long time. 

“I know.”

But neither moved. Neither wanted to break the spell which had fallen over them. They closed their eyes, settling back into the quiet, familiar, comfortable space into which their relationship had shifted. 

“I have a question for you.”

Olivia opened her eyes and met the azure orbs waiting for her. “Go ahead.”

“Actually, I have two questions,” Amanda caveated. “First, does this count as a date?”

Olivia couldn’t help but laugh. “And the second question?” she asked without providing an answer. 

“What are some of your favourite kinks?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry I was delayed - house moving is time consuming! I hope it was worth the wait!


	16. Drinks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry for the lack of a chapter last week! I try to be predictable and consistent with my publishing but I had a friend staying and I couldn’t get away to write.

Sometimes a case which leads to dead end after dead end suddenly reaches a breakthrough and shines a spotlight on a suspect not only obviously guilty but also with handfuls of evidence to guarantee their conviction in court.

Olivia smiled with immense satisfaction as she handed over the finished file to Alex Cabot who’d arrived an hour before to watch the final interrogation of their suspect. He’d crumbled within minutes of Olivia entering the box. Sometimes she enjoyed the thrill of teasing out their confession but after a hard week, she was rather pleased when he implicated himself in almost record time.

“It’s a slam dunk,” Alex reassured her. “He won’t see the light of day for a long time.”

It was reassuring to know, even though Olivia knew the expression was outdated. Of course prisoners weren’t kept in dark rooms for years on end. That would be barbaric on behalf of the state. Nevertheless, the knowledge that this man wasn’t going to be walking the streets for many years did mean Olivia would sleep better that night.”

“Nice work, Olivia,” Cragen said as he stepped out of his office. “You can go home. Recharge.”

“But I’ve only been back a few hours. I’m fine, Captain. Happy to stay on.”

But Cragen shook his head. “No, you’ve worked too much overtime already this month. Brass will be on my ass if he sees how many hours you’ve clocked up. You too, Rollins,” he added as the blonde reappeared after having transported the arrested man down to the transport van which was, as they spoke, transferring him to jail.

“What’s happening? We got a case?” Amanda asked, reaching for her coat instinctively.

“You two are as bad as each other,” Cragen sighed. “Take the night off, Rollins. You’ve earned it.”

“You sure? I don’t mind stayin’,” Amanda said.

“Go. Both of you. Cabot, can you escort them out? Maybe they’ll listen to you.”

Alex chuckled. “Come on, Liv. You deserve a night off. And unless you had a party and I wasn’t invited, you didn’t even get to celebrate your birthday. What about a drink? Amanda, would you like to join us?”

Amanda’s eyes flicked between the attorney and Olivia who nodded minutely at the questioning look. It was a two-fold hesitation. Firstly, Amanda hadn’t spent any time outside of work with the tall blonde. Truth be told, she was rather intimidated by the sharp dressing, sharp talking and sharp thinking woman. And secondly, Amanda knew that Olivia and Alex were close friends, after having worked together for so long. She didn’t want to become a third wheel, even if it was just a platonic drink with a friend. At least, she hoped it was a platonic friendship. But she didn’t have time to dwell on that niggling thought; Alex was waiting for an answer.

“Sure, sounds great,” Amanda nodded. “Lemme just pack up my desk and I’ll be ready.”

“I’ve got to drop this back at the office so how about I meet you there. The usual place?” Alex asked, directing this question to Olivia.

“Sure. I’ll get the first bottle.”

Alex nodded and bid the rest of the bullpen goodnight before clacking out of the room in heels which would have seen Amanda falling flat on her face. She watched the lawyer disappear before beginning to try and return her desk to some semblance of order. The speed at which the case had developed had swathed her desk in sheets of loose paper. Now she set about stacking up the copies of evidence they needed and reordering the file they’d need to keep at the precinct.

By the time she’d finished, Olivia had been sitting waiting for her for ten minutes, and had spent the time sorting through the photos and deleting ones she didn’t want any more, in order to free up some storage.

“Ok, I’m ready,” Amanda said, appearing at her side. “Where are we going?”

“Oh there’s a little wine bar halfway between here and the DA’s office,” Olivia said as she stood up, pushed her chair under the desk and started to button herself into her coat. “We found it over ten years ago and it became the easy place to meet after work for both of us. Plus the wine’s good, so, there’s that.”

Amanda grinned. “And I know how much you like your wine.”

“Can’t deny that,” Olivia nodded as they made their way across the quiet bullpen towards the elevator.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, the two women slid into a large, curved booth, upholstered in a dark, classy red. On the table, Olivia placed an equally classy, equally red bottle of wine, and three glases, in anticipation for the third member of their party.

Amanda watched as Olivia poured out a modest amount for each of them. That was how you could tell someone liked wine, Amanda mused; they didn’t fill the glass practically to the rim!

“Cheers,” Amanda said, picking up the glass which Olivia pushed towards her.

“Cheers,” Olivia replied, fingers wrapping around the slender stem of her own glass and chinking its edge against Amanda’s.

“And belated happy birthday,” the Georgian added, smiling over the rim of her glass. “I’m sorry we didn’t get to properly celebrate on the actual day.”

“I don’t mind,” Olivia shrugged. “Like I said, I’m not really a birthday person.”

“Yeah but I am, and I like celebrating the people who mean a lot to me,” Amanda said, sliding herself a little closer to the senior detective. “And you mean a lot to me, Olivia.”

The words were simple but sweet and Olivia found herself leaning in for a chaste kiss before she could stop herself. She wasn’t one for big public displays of affection but the woman was too irresistible. Their lips met, the rich taste of the wine they were drinking faint on Amanda’s tongue.

“Happy birthday,” Amanda whispered again when they broke apart.

“Thank you,” Olivia replied, resting her forehead on Amanda’s for a moment. “You’re very sweet.”

“I know,” Amanda grinned, placing a playful kiss on Olivia’s nose. “And you’re adorable.”

“I don’t think anyone’s ever called me adorable before,” Olivia remarked, pulling back slightly and taking a sip of her wine.

“Really? Not even Cabot?”

The words slipped out before she could stop them. The moment they were spoken, she wished she could take them back. Her mouth had spoken before her brain had processed what she was saying. She knew they were a mistake. And the silence which they led to confirmed that.

“Shit. Sorry, forget I said that,” Amanda said quickly. “Nice wine. Good choice, as always.”

The pathetic attempt to change the subject did not, of course, work. Olivia tapped her fingers a few times on the tabletop before turning to look at Amanda whose cheeks were bright red. And it wasn’t just the maroon leather beside her which was tinting that alabaster skin.

“Something you want to say?” Olivia asked, a cool tone to her words.

“Nope. Nothing. I’m fine.”

“Yeah, I’m not buying that. And I’m not someone who likes jealousy, Amanda, so if you have a problem with Alex, who’ll be here in five minutes, by the way, then please say what you have to say. Then we can move on.”

“Shit, I’m sorry, Liv. I didn’t mean to say anything. It’s nothing. Can you forget about it?”

“Can you? Or is whatever you’re thinking going to fester beneath the surface for weeks until it comes up again and lead to some blowout argument? I’m too old for that, Amanda. Just tell it to me straight. Do you have a problem with Alex?”

“No, Alex is great,” Amanda said quickly. “Really, she’s awesome. Super bright. Super good at her job. Really, I like Alex.”

“But?”

Amanda sighed. She wasn’t going to get away with bullshitting Olivia Benson. More to the point, Olivia didn’t deserve to be bullshitted.

“I’m sorry. I know green isn’t exactly an attractive colour on me. Ma always said green washed me out.”

“You’re jealous.”

It wasn’t a question.

“Ugly trait, huh? I blame it on my genetics. My dad was always wicked jealous of my ma, even if the mailman so much as looked at her. I guess I inherited that.”

“Amanda, you have no reason to be jealous of Alex,” Olivia said softly, recognising that getting angry wasn’t going to help the situation.

“Oh yeah? You’re honestly telling me there’s nothing between you two?”

Olivia shook her head. “Alex is straight, Amanda. Straight as an arrow. And I don’t think I have to explain to you that just because a woman finds other women sexually attractive, they don’t find every single woman on the planet attractive. Are you attracted to every woman you see?”

“Well, no, but Alex isn’t just any woman, is she? I mean, she’s possibly the most beautiful woman in the world.”

“Not true.” Olivia didn’t need to expand to imply that she believed Amanda to hold that crown. That said, Olivia wasn’t too fond of comparing women’s aesthetics to one another. But either way, Amanda barrelled forwards.

“And she’s smart and funny and great at her job. I mean, what’s not to like?”

“I do like Alex for all those reasons but we’re friends, Amanda,” Olivia said firmly. “We’ve only ever been friends. I’ve never been interested in her as more than a friend. And I never will be. Our relationship is strictly platonic. And if you want to ask Alex herself, by all means do.”

“Yeah, cos that’s an easy thing to slip into conversation without letting on that there’s a pretty darm massive secret we’re keeping from her.”

Olivia chuckled. “Sweetheart, Alex knows about us.”

Blue eyes blew wide. “What?”

“Alex is my closest friend. Of course she knows we’re dating. She was the one who suggested we go ice skating for our first date.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously,” Olivia nodded.

“Oh, I didn’t know we were telling people.”

“I mean we’re not telling people at work yet.”

“Alex works with us,” Amanda pointed out.

Olivia rolled her eyes. “Fine, ok. But Alex is different. We’re friends outside of work. It’s not the same.”

“So, I can tell people about us?” Amanda asked, suddenly distracted from the green-eyed monster which was scuttling back under a rock deep inside her.

“Of course,” Olivia nodded. “I mean, maybe not Cragen. But if you want to tell your friends, I’m not going to stop you.”

“Oh, cool. Then maybe I’ll give my bestie down in Georgia a call this weekend and tell her about this super hot cop I’m wooing up in the big apple.”

“Wooing, huh?”

“You’re totally wooed,” Amanda replied, voice sultry and teasing.

Olivia leaned in, kissing those smirking lips. Despite the public space, the curve of their booth lulled both women into believing that they were somewhat hidden from the rest of the wine bar which was already busy with an early Saturday evening crowd. They melted into each other, Amanda scooting across the slick leather and all but climbing into Olivia’s lap.

“Well, you weren’t exaggerating when you said you two were passionate.”

Amanda sprang back at the sound of their guest arriving while Olivia just grinned smugly at her friend who was sliding herself into the far side of the booth.

“I never exaggerate when it comes to dating gorgeous women,” Olivia replied, reaching for Amanda’s hand under the table and interlacing their fingers.

“Well, if this is you after three official dates, and by the way I’m not sure brunch actually counts but I also don’t understand why you’re waiting either, I think you’ll be arrested for public indecency by the time you actually get into bed.”

“Alex,” Olivia admonished as the woman beside her turned beet red. “Here, have some wine. And shut up, ok?”

“Fine. But I’m not letting this five date thing go. You two are mad for each other. Why wait?”

Olivia’s fingers twitched in Amanda’s hand. “Well, maybe the best things in life are worth waiting for.”

This time it was Amanda’s turn to flinch in delight at the words, her fingers tightening against Olivia’s hand. Alex indulged them for a moment before deciding the sicken display of affection was making her a little nauseous.

“Ok, enough. You two disgust me. Let’s drink. It’s a birthday celebration, right?” Alex’s words were teasing rather than mean, leading to Olivia narrowing her eyes at her closest friend and pouring her a glass of wine at the same time. “Thanks. Happy birthday, Liv. And congratulations on your new relationship,” she said, raising the drink and tipping it towards the two women.

Amanda’s mind immediately jumped to analysing the term relationship. She and Olivia were dating, of that she was sure. But was it a relationship? Did Olivia think they were in a relationship? At what point did dating become a relationship without that high school question of ‘will you be my girlfriend?’ Lost for a moment, Amanda managed to shake herself back to the present and rejoined the conversation just in time to hear about Alex’s latest feud with a defence attorney.

“I mean they’re all scum but this one is the slime at the bottom of a stagnant lake, which has been filled with slurry and poisonous chemicals,” she added for good measure.

Olivia chuckled. “Are you sure there’s not anything you like about this guy? I mean, he is insanely attractive in his five thousand dollar suit.”

Looking daggers at her friend, Alex drained her glass and refilled it. “Shut up. I hate him. He’s a terrible person … don’t look at me like that,” she finished with an uncharacteristic whine.

Amanda and Olivia fell about laughing, setting the tone for the rest of the night. The first night, Amanda realised, when she and Olivia were publicly together with someone who knew and cared for them. It was a big step, particularly for someone like Olivia. Did that mean they were inching their way towards a relationship?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Anyone catch the throwback to when your iPhone memory used to fill up with photos in a few months and then you spent the rest of your contract deleting them so you could take more pics!


	17. Math

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So, Sundays are going to be my new publication day for this story now that I’ve finished my latest SwanQueen AU, Quarantine Quarrels (check it out if you’re in the UK and feeling bleak about the lockdown we’re about to enter into … or if you’re in the US and are feeling like a national lockdown is sorely needed!)

Amanda was fairly proud of her commitment to education. Her parents hadn’t been particularly supportive of her schooling. While they hadn’t directly spoken out against her decision to pursue higher education, it certainly wasn’t something they had pushed for or expected her to complete. After graduating high school, she became the first in her family to go to college, obtaining a bachelor's degree in Forensic Science. From there, she’d steadily worked her way up the Atlanta PD, making Detective and then managing to get her transfer to Manhattan SVU.

Yes, Amanda Rollins was proud of her intellect. Which was why she was annoyed at herself when it came to her seeming inability to work out how many dates she and Olivia had been on. She might not have been great at math but she could definitely count, right?

Two, she was sure of. The first, ice skating at the Rockefeller Centre. The second, brunch. While she knew the latter wasn’t a classic date, even the brunette detective had agreed to count it as a date. But then things got fuzzy. For example, their planned third date had been on Olivia’s birthday but had been cancelled when work got in the way. So they’d rescheduled for the following Friday, but then that had changed from dinner and drinks to driving around the city trying to track down a witness. Technically they had spent the whole night together but it was most definitely in a professional capacity, so Amanda was fairly sure she could discount that as a not a date.

However, that night’s work had bled into the next morning when she and Olivia had been told to go home and get some sleep and, without discussing it, they had ended up back at her apartment and climbed into bed together. They'd slept soundly, for about five hours, in one another’s arms. Once awake, they’d made out, their bodies becoming more involved than ever before. But … was that a date? Could Amanda claim that passing out with exhaustion and then waking up for a quick fumble before going back to work was a date? There hadn’t even been any proper food involved, unless you counted the defrosted bagels she’d toasted for the two of them before they’d left. And somehow she didn’t think Olivia would count that.

Then there were those delayed birthday drinks the previous night. Wine in a fancy bar, the two of them snuggled up together in a booth, sharing stories and exchanging personal information sounded date-like. Except for most of the evening, Amanda and Olivia had been joined by Alex Cabot. Surely it couldn’t be a date if there was a third person there. Even if she and Olivia had ended the night back in the brunette’s bed, entwined in one another’s arms once again.

This was what Amanda was trying to decide the following morning when, nursing a mild hangover, she sat up in bed, failing to concentrate on a long-neglected novel, the older woman still sleeping soundly beside her. Two dates? Three dates? Four, at a push? Was the five date rule even still in place? True, they’d not gone further than heated kissing and touching one another over clothes yet. But was that because they’d both been drunk the two times they’d ended up in bed together? Or was it because Olivia really did want to go on five dates before their relationship became sexual?

That said, Amanda thought to herself, arguably their relationship was already sexual. True, they were yet to have ‘sex’, but she knew their time spent in both of their beds was far from platonic and their kissing had gone beyond even those enthusiastic make out sessions which had been iconic of her teenage years and been heavily overlaid with sexual tones. She herself knew that feeling the woman’s body against her, firm and warm, had been an unbelievable turn on and were Olivia to hint that she was ready for more, then more most certainly would have happened.

But Amanda hadn’t pushed and Olivia hadn’t indicated that she wanted more. Olivia was the one who’d suggested five dates and that meant that she was going to be the one to tell Amanda when it was time. Even though, as far as Amanda was concerned, she was more than ready. After months of working with Olivia, and weeks of spending time with her outside of work, she knew what she wanted, what she needed from the woman who snuffled lightly beside her at that moment and reached her hand out towards Amanda’s body.

“Jesus,” Amanda sighed as the woman’s cool hand landed on her bare thigh beneath the duvet. She closed the book and decided to focus once again on counting their dates. Two? Definitely. Three? Maybe. Four? Pushing it. Five? In her dreams.

By the time Olivia joined her in the land of the living, Amanda had managed to read two chapters of her book. She’d been distracted frequently by the cute little noises Olivia made as she slept. As well as the comforting weight of her hand on her body, fingers occasionally twitching against her skin. So when those big brown eyes blinked open, Amanda eagerly put her book to one side and snuggled herself further down under the covers, placing a chaste kiss to Olivia’s lips.

“Morning,” she murmured. “You slept well.”

“How long have you been awake?” Olivia asked, noting that the blonde was completely awake whereas she was going to need some time to recalibrate to a new day.

“A while,” Amanda shrugged. “I like watching you sleep.”

Olivia raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, because that doesn’t sound creepy at all,” she deadpanned.

Chuckling, Amanda slithered herself closer, pressing her body against Olivia’s and lifting her right leg to hook over the top of the older woman’s thigh. “You look cute when you sleep. Did you know you snore?”

“No, I don’t,” Olivia said at once, even though she wasn’t sure why she was getting defensive about a perfectly natural human behaviour. And she wasn’t actually concerned at the idea of Amanda watching her sleep. In fact, it was somehow comforting. Over the years, she’d had cases which made her cautious about being a single woman living alone in New York, and there had been nights when her overactive imagination had freaked her out to the point where she couldn’t get to sleep. So there was something reassuring about sharing a bed with someone, especially someone who looked at her the way Amanda Rollins did.

“Yeah, you do. And it’s adorable,” the blonde said, brushing some of the lightly tangled brown hair off Olivia’s sleepy face.

“There’s that word again,” Olivia said, remembering when Amanda had called her that in the bar the night before.

“Well, it’s true,” Amanda replied. “You’re adorable.”

“So, how many hours have you whiled away watching me?”

Amanda scrunched up her nose. “Ok, that sounds creepy. And it wasn’t hours. I was reading too. And thinking.”

“Thinking about what?”

“My inability to do math,” Amanda replied simply.

Olivia frowned. “I’m sorry, I’ve only just woken up so I’m going to need more explanation than that. What are you talking about?”

So Amanda explained. She talked Olivia through her logic about how many dates they may or may not have been on, debating whether or not each of their out of work meetings met the criteria for being a date and therefore how many they could genuinely consider themselves as having been on. Olivia smothered her laughter as she listened to the blonde’s earnest analysis of their budding relationship. The woman may be questioning her capacity to count but Olivia sure was impressed with her in-depth thinking and intellectual probing into what number date was coming up next.

“Now it’s my turn to call you adorable,” Olivia said when the woman finished speaking at last.

“Adorable and confused. Can you count?”

“I can count,” Olivia said slowly. “I’m pretty sure a basic grasp of arithmetic is a requirement to get into the police academy, which means you can count just as well as I can.”

Amanda rolled her eyes at her pedantic girlfriend. Wait, what? Girlfriend? Where did that word come from? Olivia watched the look of mild horror which followed the exasperated expression and grew suddenly concerned.

“Are you ok?” she asked when Amanda failed to speak.

“Yeah, um, fine,” Amanda said, finding her words and trying to breeze past her internal thoughts. “So, how many dates can I say we’ve been on, if you’re so good at counting?”

Olivia pretended to consider the question for a while. In truth, she had had a similar train of thought the night before when she followed Amanda into an Uber after having ordered the service to her address, with no additional stops. Their sleepover on Friday night certainly couldn’t be classified as a date but the same could not be said of the previous evening. Considering Amanda’s analysis, she surmised that Alex’s presence in the winebar hadn’t detracted from the undeniable romance of the evening.

“Well, I may not have a PhD in mathematics but I think we can say we’ve had three dates,” Olivia said eventually, trailing her fingers up and down the blonde’s back, feeling the knots of her spine through the thin material of her sleepwear.

“Three?” Amanda repeated, almost too distracted by the questing fingers to concentrate on what Olivia had said. “Which one are you considering our third?”

“Last night,” Olivia clarified. “I mean, we had some time on our own before Alex arrived. You certainly paid for most of my drinks in a very traditional, date-like manner. And, I think it’s safe to say we had a goodnight kiss or two.”

Amanda grinned. “One or two,” she agreed, remembering how the couple had tumbled through Olivia’s door, lips sealed in a passionate kiss which had carried them all the way to the brunette’s bed when they’d only separated to get changed into their sleepwear (Amanda borrowed an old t-shirt from Olivia and paired that with her underwear, something which made Olivia temporarily forget how to breathe). They’d fallen asleep only when the alcohol which fizzed through their veins overcame their lazy, relaxed make out, lips still touching when they finally lost consciousness.

“So, yeah, I think we can say we’ve been on three dates. Why? Are you getting a little bit impatient there for some reason, my dear?”

The blonde slid forwards, getting even closer to the woman whose body was already pressed against her. “You know, I have something on my mind.” Her heel dug a little into the back of Olivia’s thigh. “Can’t quite remember what it is though.” She kissed the woman firmly, smirking at her. “I think you said something special about the number five. Or was it ten?” Olivia laughed at that. “Or was it twenty? No, you’re not that mean. I don’t think my little heart would cope with waiting twenty whole dates to experience … you.”

Olivia splayed her palm across Amanda’s back, pressing their chests even closer. “I don’t think you have a little heart, Amanda. I think you have one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know. And you know what else?”

“What?” Amanda breathed out.

“No matter how long it takes for us to steal a couple more evenings away from work for our dates, I promise you it will be worth it.”

Those words, in the sultry tone of the woman whose eyes were burning into hers made Amanda wonder whether she’d died and gone to heaven. She’d certainly felt her heart skip a beat. Which she had always thought was a stupid literary cliche which trashy romantic novels threw around with abandon. But, thanks to the woman whose fingers were still trailing their way up and down her spine, she was pretty sure she’d just experienced exactly that.

“You’re going to be the death of me, Detective Olivia Benson,” Amanda sighed.

“Well, that certainly isn’t my intention. I guess we’ll have to keep your cardio up. I know a workout you might be interested in.”

It was going to take Amanda some time to get used to this new side of Olivia. She was still used to the professional, serious and somewhat straight laced detective she saw at work each day. Compared to that persona, the woman who was lying beside her, a cheeky glint in her eye and her fingers now dancing along the top elastic of her underwear, was almost unrecognisable.

“Tonight?” Amanda managed to stutter.

“Tonight, what?”

“Date four. Can I take you out?”

Olivia pretended to consider this for a moment before breaking into a wide grin. “I suppose that would be ok,” she said, chuckling as the woman rolled on top of her and kissed her hard, sealing the deal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I promise, we’ll get there soon. I just love writing these two together!


	18. Darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: America, well done! Also, who loved Mariska’s Instagram in the leadup to the election! And after it, to be fair!

Date four went without a hitch. Both women were half expecting their cell phones to chime as they sat in the corner of the quiet restaurant Amanda had chosen for their evening meal. But they were left uninterrupted, able to enjoy one another’s company with conversation drifting further and further away from their work as they explored their childhoods, their families, their hobbies, their dreams.

Walking Olivia back to her apartment at the end of the night, Amanda didn’t ask to come up. She had always respected the taller detective’s request and her pestering, while lighthearted, was, if she was honest with herself, pestering. That wasn’t what she actually wanted to do. She didn’t want to wear Olivia down,for her to cave to the blonde’s admittedly teasing demands. She wanted Olivia to be ready to take that next step. Hell, she wanted to be ready. And halfway through their dinner, Amanda had suddenly wondered whether she was.

So outside Olivia’s apartment, she’d placed a final kiss, soft and sweet, to the woman’s lips before turning and walking off into the cold December night. Olivia watched her go, half surprised at how quickly the evening had ended, and half wishing she could call after Amanda and invite her up. But she didn’t. She watched until the blonde reached the end of the block, at which point she looked back. They waved, briefly, to one another. And then Amanda crossed the street and Olivia entered her apartment. Date four, complete.

* * *

On Monday morning, Amanda climbed out of her squad car and swore under her breath as she realised she’d stepped in a grey, icy puddle. Shaking the frozen water from her shoe and wondering when she’d get a chance to change, she slammed the door shut and made her way over to the huddle of uniformed officers. From the looks on their faces, she could tell that the bubble of happiness in which she’d woken was about to be burst.

“Mornin’. Detective Rollins, SVU,” she said, not even stopping but just flashing her badge as she spotted Olivia crouched down a few yards into an alleyway.

As she approached, Olivia stood up, turning with a grimace on her face. “Morning,” she offered, tone clipped.

“Bad one?”

“A kid.”

There was no need to say anything more. The children always hurt the most. Amanda took a deep breath, feeling the chill of the crisp morning air searing her lungs, and stepped past the senior detective to bend down beside their victim. Behind her, Olivia was calling Finn, telling him she wanted footage from every traffic camera within a ten block radius. “No, scratch that. Make it fifteen. I want this sonofabitch.”

Standing up, Amanda turned around and stuffed her hands deep into her pockets. “We’ll get him,” she offered, her gut clenched. “Who found the body?”

Olivia pointed to an elderly woman who was sitting in a squad car, sipping a coffee and being comforted by a young uniform. She was clearly, understandably, traumatised by what she had witnessed.

“Fuck. What a way to start your week,” Amanda grimaced. “Do you wanna speak with her or shall I?”

“You talk to her. I’ve got to make sure the crime scene techs sweep right down to the end. There’s a gate back there. Could be a way in or out. Don’t want to miss anything on this one.”

Amanda nodded and made to walk past Olivia but as she did so, a hand landed gently on her forearm. “We’ll get him,” Olivia echoed. “Let me know when you’re ready to head back to the station.”

* * *

One day bled into two. Two into three. The leads trickled in, throngs of reporters clamoured for every new development. Kids always made the front page. People were drawn to the dark, sick acts which sent shockwaves through their communities. The morning of day four, Amanda stood in the breakroom, stirring her coffee and staring at the wall.

“Rollins, you ok?”

She turned to force a smile for her partner. Finn set about making his own drink as Amanda took a seat in one of the dilapidated chairs, sipping the coffee and letting out a sigh. “People are just scum sometimes, aren’t they?”

“Yep,” Finn nodded. “But we’ll catch ‘em. Make sure they can’t hurt anyone else.”

“How can you be so sure?” Amanda asked.

“Cos that’s what we do here. And we’re the best. Plus, there ain’t no way Liv’ll rest until she sees justice for that kid. You’ve gotta know that about her at least by now.”

Along with so much more the detective wasn’t yet going to admit to her new partner, Amanda mused. Although …

“You’ve worked with Benson a long time, right?”

“Twelve years,” Finn nodded, picking up his coffee and joining the blonde for a brief break. “Why?”

“Just wondering,” Amanda replied. She realised that aside from Alex, Finn probably knew Olivia better than anyone. And the niggling worries which had entered her mind recently were not ones she was willing to share with Alex; Olivia’s best friend. The conversation would be immediately relayed, she was sure. But Finn was perhaps another matter. “So, does Liv, I dunno, date much?”

The experienced detective’s brow furrowed briefly. “Um, I mean, she doesn’t exactly talk about that part of her life much but she’s turned up at more than a few crime scenes dressed up to the nines. You know what this job is like. Having a social life is all but impossible. We’ve all had dates cut short for work. Why do you ask?”

“Oh, just wondering. And these dates, are they with men or women, usually?”

“You know she’s bisexual?”

Amanda nodded. “It came up when I told her I was gay.”

Finn didn’t miss a beat. Why should he? “Well, it’s not like she brings the guy or girl to the crime scene when their date is interrupted. News flash, Rollins, our line of work isn’t a turn on for most people and if it is, run as fast as you can.”

Despite the heavy mood in the precinct, Amanda laughed. “Yeah, I got that. Thanks for the heads up though.”

“Anyway, far as I’m concerned, who Liv dates isn’t any of my business.”

Amanda blushed at once. “No, I know. God, I’m not nosing or anything.” Finn looked thoroughly unconvinced by that statement. “I was just wondering if she tended to date more men or more women.”

Finn took another swig of coffee. “Does it matter? Bi is bi, Amanda. I might not have any first hand experience of this but from what I understand, it doesn’t matter if you’ve only had relationships with one gender, if you consider yourself bisexual, that’s it, right? A bisexual woman doesn’t become straight when she marries a man.”

“No, you’re right, I know that. Sorry, forget I said anything. And, like, don’t tell Benson I was asking, ok?”

Immediately regretting her decision to ask Finn anything, Amanda got to her feet and made her way from the room. Finn watched her go, smirking. He wondered how long the two women were planning to keep their romance a secret and how they thought they were successfully hiding it from a squad full of highly trained cops. But he wasn’t one to push and he wasn’t one to get involved in his colleagues’ personal lives, even if they insisted on getting involved in one another’s. He’d wait. They’d tell him when they were ready.

Sitting at her desk, Amanda scolded herself for broaching the subject. She had made a fool of herself. And she’d also given into that niggling fear in the back of her mind which had surfaced halfway through their fourth date on Sunday night. Olivia had mentioned a boy she had been engaged to as a teenager. And then she’d mentioned a lawyer she’d foolishly dated. A male lawyer. Then there was a rookie she’d dated a few years after joining SVU. Also a guy.

Something had fired a warning signal in Amanda’s head as the woman recounted some of her past relationships that night. Aside from making a mental note that this was a terrible topic for a date, Amanda couldn’t fail to notice the gender of all of Olivia’s former partners. Male.

But Finn was right. She was being foolish. Biseuxality didn’t need to be validated. It wasn’t as if you had to have sex with a specific gender to claim your sexuality label. She knew that. Logically, she knew that. Logically, she recognised that the woman was attracted to her. The problem was, logic often went out of the window when it came to Olivia Benson. The woman melted her brain. And that melted brain was just a little bit nervous all of a sudden. After weeks of build up, the reality of what their fifth date might mean loomed large.

It wasn’t just that she was unsure, illogical though it seemed, about whether Olivia was attracted to her. She was nervous because of her own emotions too. This time spent with Olivia, their dates, their lazy mornings together, were adding up to one thing. Amanda was coming to terms with the fact that she wanted this relationship to succeed. Beyond that, she wanted this relationship to thrive. She was starting to imagine her future with Olivia, beyond date five. Beyond date ten, twenty, two hundred. And that scared the crap out of her.

* * *

Two days later, the case was finally closed. But not before another victim was found, their small body providing the evidence needed to identify the person responsible. Amanda wasn’t afraid to say she closed the handcuffs a little tighter than necessary around the man’s wrists; a pathetic way to inflict just a modicum of pain on the scumbag who had destroyed two families and taken two young lives.

Paperwork filed, she wandered over to Olivia’s desk where the woman was finishing up her own report.

“Hey. You ready to get out of here?” the older woman asked, looking up when the blonde perched on the edge of her desk.

“Together?”

Olivia hesitated for a moment before nodding. “Yeah, isn’t that why you’re over here. We’ve got the night off so date five, right?”

“Oh, um, actually, I’m not really feeling up for a date, to be honest.”

A despondent, exhausted air settled over the two of them at those words. “No, me neither. I guess I’ll see you on Tuesday?” After working six days straight, the squad were now being given two days off.

While Amanda wasn’t feeling any way inclined to go on a date, the sudden prospect of not seeing Olivia for two whole days felt unbearable. “I mean, maybe we can just hang out this evening? Not like a date, but I think I could use the company.”

A mixture of relief and curiosity flooded through Olivia’s body. Relief because she too wasn’t exactly up for a romantic evening after the brutality and cruelty they had witnessed that week. And curiosity because for the first time since they had started dating, Amanda didn’t seem to be pushing her towards date five. Come to that, she hadn’t pushed on Sunday night either. Did that mean the woman had changed her mind?

“Company sounds great. Do you need to walk Frannie or do you want to come to mine?”

“I think I need a furry friend tonight,” Amanda replied. “Dogs are simple. And fundamentally good. Frannie reminds me of that when the rest of the world feels like it’s full of darkness.”

The sobre tone of Amanda’s voice reminded Olivia that the woman hadn’t been working in SVU nearly as long as she had. Not that Olivia was numbed to the villainy she saw but after fifteen years, the depravity no longer shocked her. Maybe that was a bad thing. But perhaps it also allowed her to focus on the case, rather than getting lost in the tragedy of the victims. Or at least her focus was on justice for those victims, first and foremost.

“Let’s go to yours. I’ll be finished in about five minutes. Are you ok to wait or do you want me to meet you there?”

“I’ll wait,” Amanda replied, pulling a stick of gum out of her coat pocket and popping it into her mouth.

Ten minutes later, the two of them walked out of the precinct into the wintery dusk, the day’s weak sunshine leaving the sky powder blue and tinged with pink as the day’s light began to fade. Amanda stopped for a moment, tilted her head back and closed her eyes, feeling the fresh air on her face. Olivia paused too, understanding that Amanda needed to take some time to remind herself of the outside world. The interior of their squadroom sometimes got too dark, all-consuming. But beyond those walls, there was light, goodness, happiness.

“Ok. Let’s go,” Amanda replied, smiling at Olivia as the two of them fell into step towards her apartment. As they crossed the road and moved out of sight of the building where they worked, Olivia slipped her hand into Amanda’s. The blonde’s fingers threaded through her own, squeezing tightly, an anchor to hope and possibility.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Also, I don’t want to take full credit for this weekend’s news but if you’ve read Political Passions, my SwanQueen fanfiction, I think you can see I clearly preempted the need for a woman in power in the US. Ok, I may have got the exact job title wrong but still … foreshadowing or what?!? Congratulations to Kamala Harris - so excited about this woman’s future and the future of America. P.S. I’m British.


	19. Heinous

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Happy Sunday peeps! Also, just to say, I made the deliberate decision to not go into details about this case, by the way. I want my story to focus on their relationship, not their work, although naturally that will be a backdrop to their time spent together. It felt like I didn’t need to think up something awful - if you want heinous crime, SVU has you covered!

Despite what the past six days had held, neither woman could stop the smile spreading across their faces as Frannie danced excitedly around them, forever overwhelmed with love whenever her owner returned. And increasingly whenever Olivia arrived too. The tall brunette was becoming an increasing feature in the dog’s life and therefore was greeted with equal enthusiasm. This was significant to Amanda, as Frannie was not usually indiscriminate with her love.

Together, they took Frannie for a brisk walk in the cold winter air, two circuits of the park and then hurrying back into the warmth of Amanda’s apartment. Content with her short walk (because in truth she wasn’t all that keen on the chilled outside world), Frannie jumped up into the armchair and lay her head on her paws. She watched as the two women shed their outdoor layers, hanging up coats, scarves and gloves, before toeing off their boots and lining them up neatly against the wall. 

“Wine?” Amanda asked after she stepped back out into the living room, having changed into her casual clothes.

“Yes please,” Olivia nodded. “And do you mind if I change into something a bit more comfortable too?”

Amanda shook her head and gestured in the direction of her bedroom before making her way to the kitchen to find a bottle of wine. Olivia hesitated for a moment but then decided they had all evening to address what was on the blonde’s mind. The first thing was getting out of her work clothes. 

When she reemerged, clad in sweatpants and an old sweater proclaiming her support for a football team in Georgia she’d never heard of, Olivia spotted the generous glass of wine waiting for her on the counter. As she made her way towards it, she realised that the blonde had climbed into the chair beside her hound and was wrapping the sweet natured dog in her arms.

“Tough case,” Olivia said simply as she sipped her wine. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Amanda shook her head, fingers now stroking the silky soft ears, eyes watching the repetitive movement of her digits, as if they weren’t part of her own body. Olivia noticed that the younger woman’s own wine glass was already half empty. The senior detective understood. She couldn’t begin to count the number of times she’d gone back to her own cold, empty apartment after a harrowing case and downed a bottle or two. There was something in the comforting numbness which alcohol offered that was sometimes necessary, if not entirely healthy. There were some things which couldn’t be explained, processed, understood. Sometimes, the world was just too terrible to comprehend. 

“I thought I’d cook us something for dinner,” Olivia went on, not wanting to push the blonde to talk about something she wasn’t ready for.

“I don’t think I’ve got much in,” Amanda replied, still not looking up from her dog who’d now closed her eyes and was basking in the gentle attention. She couldn’t remember the last time she had gone shopping for groceries. 

“That’s ok. I can be inventive. Mind if I rummage around?”

“Go ahead,” Amanda said. 

Knowing that Amanda would talk in her own time, Olivia set about exploring the blonde’s small kitchen and trying to find ingredients with which she could cobble together a meal. Olivia had never been a particularly talented cook but she was pretty damn good at making meals out of random or limited ingredients. It was a skill she’d developed first as a broke student and then as a cop with an unpredictable schedule. By the time she had located half a bag of pasta, some slightly wrinkled mushrooms and a carton of long life cream, she had a meal in mind. A tired onion was the first to the chopping block as she set to work.

The sound of the knife slicing through the vegetable made Amanda look up at last, fingers still absentmindedly tracing over Frannie’s ears. The action always soothed her. She watched as the brunette moved deftly around her kitchen, becoming increasingly familiar with the location of her pitiful range of cooking implements. But aside from her embarrassing lack of domestic tools, Amanda was struck by how natural it seemed to be watching Olivia make dinner for them, the two of them unwinding after a long week of work. Oh yeah, work. 

“You think he’ll get the max?”

Olivia looked up from the pan where she was now gently frying the onions in some butter. “You mean Spencer?”

At the mention of the man’s name, Amanda’s brow furrowed. A tight knot in her stomach, which had been there all week, hardened. “Yeah. Alex said he could get twenty years for each count, right?”

“Yes, that’s the maximum sentence, and he will get twenty years for every single count. I have no doubt that Alex will be able to convince a jury firstly of his guilt, and then convince the judge that he should never, ever be allowed out onto our streets again. He’s going away for life, Amanda, I promise you that.”

Uncurling herself from Frannie, Amanda made her way across the living room and entered the kitchen, the spaces delineated where the carpet changed into tiles. Manhattan apartments were not generous when it came to walls. The chill of the hard surfaces made Amanda shiver slightly and look down at her feet, arms wrapped around her body. The posture did not go unnoticed by her companion.

“Hey, it’s over,” Olivia said, turning the heat right down on the onions and coming to stand in front of Amanda, resting a hand gently on her shoulder. 

Amanda looked up into the earnest face before her for a moment before falling forwards into Olivia’s arms. The brunette hugged her fiercely, pulling her close and wrapping her in such a way that she felt protected and safe, hidden away from the world, from the bad. She was surrounded by good. Amanda looped her own arms around Olivia, a distant part of her brain recognising that she couldn’t have been the only one of them affected by the week’s events. 

“It’s not over. It might be over for his victims but what about their families? What about us?”

The quiet questions, muffled into Olivia’s shoulders, were the first glimpse into what had been eating Amanda alive. While they were huge questions to answer, Olivia first felt relief that the woman was talking to her, acknowledging that she had been affected by what had happened, and was willing to be vulnerable. 

“You’re right,” she whispered into the blonde hair. “It’s not over for their families. It never will be. This is something they are going to have to learn to live with and I can’t even imagine where they start to come to terms with what has happened. But we have to do the same thing, except from a professional point of view. We see the worst of humanity in this job, Amanda. And yes, this week was awful on so many levels. But we stopped him ever doing it again. Because of us, he won’t have any more victims. We did our job. And part of our job is dealing with the shit we see and learning how to move on to the next case.”

“You mean just get over it and stop being sentimental?” Amanda asked, still not releasing her hold on the taller woman. 

“Not at all. It would have been more worrying if all of us had been unaffected by this case. We have to feel. We have to have empathy; it’s one of the skills we need to be good at our jobs. It allows us to connect to survivors and fight for justice. But unlike the families, we can’t afford to let this take over our lives. Next week there’ll be someone else who needs our support and our help. Case like this change us, Amanda. That’s unavoidable. But we can’t allow one monster to destroy our faith in humanity, our faith in the system. We have to get back out there and be ready for the next person who comes to us needing help.”

Amanda nuzzled herself closed to the warm, familiar body. She knew Olivia was right but she wasn’t quite ready to hear it. It wasn’t as if she was an eternal optimist before this case. She knew the world included people who committed unspeakable crimes. But the darkness which had stemmed from their latest case had struck deeper than usual. She was wounded. And it would take her some time to recover. But she would recover, because she agreed with Olivia. They had a job to do. 

“Thank you,” she murmured, blinking the tears from her eyes before she pulled back. “That helped.”

Reaching up slowly, Olivia traced the delicate line of Amanda’s cheek then jawbone before cupping her face gently. “You’re allowed to hurt, Amanda. You don’t have to be strong around me.”

Those tears fell as if on command, the excuse handed to them and they spilled over at once. Amanda offered a watery smile of gratitude while Olivia’s own eyes sparkled with pain. It wasn’t only Amanda who’d had her world rocked that week. 

“I’ve found talking helps,” Olivia replied. 

“You mean to a shrink?”

Olivia shook her head. “Apart from the occasional mandatory sessions the department orders, no. That’s never really been for me, although I know it works for some people. But I have friends I talk to. Alex, mostly. It helps. If you ever want to talk about this stuff with me, I’m here to listen. While it might be our job to keep catching the bad guys, sometimes we need the time and space to reckon with what we’ve witnessed. If you need to take a step back, decompress, even take some time off, that’s completely understandable.”

This time it was Amanda’s turn to shake her head. “No, I’ll be fine. I’m being stupid. It’s ok.”

“You’re not being stupid, Amanda. You think I don’t feel sick to my stomach when I think about Spencer? It’s not just you and me, either, I promise. Finn and Amaro will be in the same headspace. Cragen too. It doesn’t matter how long you’re on the job. Some things we can’t unsee or unhear. They become a part of us and we have to deal with them before we can move on. This is completely normal, I promise.”

“Thanks. I guess you’re right. But I really will be fine. Anyway, I’ve got a few days off at Christmas. Anything I need to deal with, I can deal with then.”

Olivia smiled and bent down to kiss Amanda lightly. “Don’t be too hard on yourself. If you ever need to talk, you know where I am.”

“Yeah, in my kitchen, apparently,” Amanda teased, unwinding herself from Olivia at last and grinning at the woman as she returned to the softening onions. “What are we having?”

“Well, someone had to give your oven a workout before the poor old thing forgot what its purpose in life was,” Olivia replied, grinding some salt into the pan. “And just pasta with creamy mushrooms. Simple but comforting. I think we could use some comfort tonight.”

Amanda chuckled. It was true; her kitchen was woefully underused and she did need a pasta-shaped hug. But maybe, with Olivia around more, she’d spend more time in it. Cooking together, enjoying one another’s company. 

“Can I help?” Amanda asked. 

“Sure, you can slice those mushrooms up,” Olivia said, pointing to the pack of fungi which had certainly seen better days. 

Twenty minutes later and the two women sat on the couch with their steaming plates of food in their laps. Amanda’s aversion to cooking meant she hadn’t even invested in a dining table. But she didn’t mind, because it meant as soon as she and Olivia had finished eating, she was able to slide across the nestle into Olivia’s side, feeling the woman’s strong arm around her back, as a reminder that all wasn’t lost for humanity. 

So distracted by that week’s case and the emotional fallout from it, however, that neither woman remembered that their shared evening was their fifth date. They whiled away the hours in front of the television before going about their nightly routine, Olivia now having her own toothbrush at Amanda’s for just such an occasion. 

They climbed beneath the covers and immediately gravitated towards one another, bodies searching for warmth and comfort rather than heated, sexual stimulation. Tonight wasn’t the right time, even if either woman had done the calculation. They drifted off to sleep slowly, their minds still haunted by what they had seen. But eventually, gratefully, the night claimed them and they slipped from consciousness, a brief reprise from the darkness of the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So, who was blown away by the power of this week’s new episode?


	20. Relationship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So, when I started this, I wasn’t expecting it to evolve into a full blown multi-chapter story in quite the way it has. Seems I’ve lost the art of a short story, sorry! Anyway, I hope you’re all still enjoying it!

Warm fingers splayed across her stomach, tips stroking softly back and forth. The scent of the blonde’s laundry detergent filled her nostrils as her face was still buried in the soft pillow beneath her cheek. She had only just woken up, the rhythmic stroking of those fingers against her bare skin coaxing her back to consciousness. Amanda, it seemed, had been awake for a while, and, Olivia assumed, was a little bored.

“Good morning,” she mumbled into the pillow, snuggling herself back into the warm body behind her. Amanda as the big spoon didn’t work so well, since Olivia was taller than her. But they seem to have decided it was only fair that they take it in turns to be the little spoon.

“Morning,” Amanda replied, voice husky with sleep. “Did you sleep well?”

“Surprisingly so,” Olivia nodded, threading her fingers through Amanda’s. “You?”

“I always sleep well when I’m next to you.” The words were followed by a gentle kiss to the nape of Olivia’s neck. Amanda held her lips there for several moments, inhaling the scent of the woman in her arms.

There was a soft sigh in response. “Yeah, me too. Maybe that’s why I slept so soundly. Usually after tough cases like that, I find it hard to get a good night’s sleep.”

“Ditto,” Amanda replied, arms tightening around Olivia. “But with you here, it seems I can find that peace. You scare my demons away, Liv.”

At those words, Olivia decided it was time to face the woman lying behind her. She wriggled herself around one hundred and eighty degrees so she was lying face to face, almost nose to nose, with the younger detective. She reached out to brush some wayward hairs away from the woman’s face. Amanda’s bedhead look was never the most put together, she’d discovered. But she’d also discovered she liked the tousled, unpolished, raw morning Rollins.

“I’ll never let anything happen to you, Amanda,” she whispered quietly, following up the promise with a chaste kiss to parted lips.

Tears sparkled in blue-grey eyes as the affection and desire she felt for and from the woman before her swept throughout Amanda’s body. She had never felt like this before, she realised suddenly. Sure, the beginning of relationships had been exciting in the past, full of intrigue and passion and the anticipation of discovering one another. But this; what she had with Olivia? No, that was something different.

“Liv, what are we?”

“What do you mean?”

“To each other. What are we doing? What is this?”

Whether this was the right time to have this conversation, Amanda didn’t care. She suddenly realised that she needed some clarity. She needed to know she was on the same page as the woman in her arms. She needed to know they were heading in the same direction, that she wasn’t the only one thinking of their future in the way she was. She needed to know she wasn’t alone.

“What do you want this to be?” Olivia replied softly.

“I asked you first,” Amanda pouted, reluctant to say anything without getting a signal from Olivia first. She’d been wrong about relationship dynamics before. She didn’t think she could take that humiliation when it came to Olivia.

The woman smiled gently, recognising that Amanda wanted to hear from her before she spoke. Olivia understood that and was happy to oblige.

“Well, over the past few weeks, I think we can agree we’ve been dating. Discretely, of course, because of our work situation.”

“Yeah, dating, right,” Amanda nodded. “But where are we going? I mean, do you see us going … beyond dating?”

“I do,” Olivia confirmed, a small smile playing across her lips. “Do you?”

“Yes,” Amanda replied immediately, her eagerness making Olivia chuckle.

“Good,” the brunette replied. “I’m glad we can agree on that.”

“So, um, does that mean we’re still just dating or …?”

The uncharacteristic timidness which came over the blonde was both endearing and curious to Olivia. She wondered briefly who had hurt this woman in the past to make her lose faith in her own instincts when it came to her relationships.

“Well, I think this is steadily morphing from just dating into a relationship as far as I’m concerned. What do you think?” Olivia deliberately wanted to hand the opportunity to talk back to Amanda, feeling as if it was important that the woman put into her own words how she was feeling about their relatively new dynamic.

“I think so too,” Amanda grinned shyly. “I was hoping you’d say the ‘r’ word, actually. And, just so you know, I’ve not been dating anyone else since we started seeing each other. I don’t do that.”

“Neither do I,” Olivia reassured.

They shared a gentle kiss, an unspoken promise of fidelity to one another. Both women had seen the aftermath of betrayal in their line of work. Neither had ever had any inclination to cheat on their partner.

“So, we’re exclusive, right?” Amanda asked. Olivia nodded. “And together?” Another question. Another nod. “You’re my girlfriend?” Question. Nod. “And I’m your girlfriend?”

Olivia laughed. “I think that’s a given, Amanda.”

“Say it.”

The brunette sobered, gazing into those intense, cool eyes which, despite their colour, always seemed to radiate warmth. At least, they did when they were directed towards Olivia.

“You’re my girlfriend, Amanda Rollins.”

Olivia found herself on her back in moments, the grinning blonde having rolled her over and straddled her hips. She bent down, kissing her firmly as her hands ran up and down Olivia’s sides, dragging the fabric a little higher each time.

“Hang on, what does this mean for our work?” Amanda asked suddenly, sitting up straight, still astride the dark-haired beauty.

“We’ll have to tell Cragen,” Olivia said simply. “But I don’t think it’ll be a problem as long as we continue to act professionally at work. We probably won’t be paired together often on cases from now on. The department considers it an impairment on our judgement if we work with people we’re, well, more than colleagues with.”

“So, everyone will know?”

“Is that a problem?” Olivia asked. In truth, she didn’t love the idea of her private life being splashed all over the precinct. There was a reason she tried to avoid dating anyone from work. The blonde appeared to be the exception to the rule. There was something about her Olivia had been unable to resist and for whom she was willing to put up with a little light teasing from Finn which she was sure would be coming her way.

Amanda vehemently shook her head. “No problem at all. God, Liv, I can’t wait to tell everyone I know about my fucking fabulous, gorgeous new girlfriend.”

Olivia laughed heartily, the movement jiggling Amanda up and down slightly. “Ok, glad to hear it. I suppose we have a plan then. I’ll tell Cragen on Monday. And if you don’t mind, I think I should tell him alone; we’ve worked together for so long. But I expect he’ll want to speak with you too.”

“Ok, whatever it takes. I don’t mind being interrogated by the brass if it means I don’t have to hide how I feel about you any more.”

“Well, just because our relationship,” the word made her heart beat a little faster, “is public, doesn’t mean we can make out at work. In fact, it’s really important we keep things extra professional. No lingering looks or touches, ok?”

“Oh, I can keep my hands to myself. Not sure I can say the same about you though,” Amanda added, looking pointedly at her thighs where Olivia’s hands were now stroking just below the hem of her sleep shorts. At the comment, however, Olivia withdrew her fingers before Amanda’s own captured them and pulled them back up. “Did I tell you to stop?”

Olivia grinned widely, fingers digging lightly into the firm flesh as the top of Amanda’s thighs. At the pressure, Amanda leaned back down, resuming their kiss. Lips met with a renewed intensity, the conversation about their relationship having fuelled their desire for one another. Amanda’s hands resumed their journeying up and down Olivia’s sides, inching the large t-shirt the woman had slept in higher and higher each time. It was when this material bunched beneath the woman’s breasts that their kiss ended.

“Liv, are we -”

“Don’t stop,” Olivia breathed out, reaching up to pull Amanda’s mouth back to hers. “Don’t stop,” she whispered against parted lips. “Don’t stop.”

The build up, the weeks of waiting, the nights spent in one another’s bed, the pent up anticipation had all suddenly bubbled to the surface. Olivia’s entire body was on fire. She wasn’t sure whether it was because of the featherlight graze of Amanda’s fingertips against her bare skin or because she herself desperately wanted to explore the blonde’s body. Either way, she realised they’d waited long enough.

Amanda didn’t break their kiss as she placed her hands flat on either side of the woman’s body, fingers following the contours of her ribs, curling lightly against the curve of her back. Her tongue danced against Olivia’s, a give and take of control as they took the next step in their relationship. And then her hands began to slide upwards, pushing the material up and over the woman’s generous breasts, thumbs grazing the underside of the globes as the skin was exposed at last.

Goosebumps erupted across the smooth skin, pebbled nipples hardening against the air. Except it wasn’t the cool winter temperature which had triggered the reaction. It was the way Amanda’s thumbs were stroking backwards and forwards, massaging the soft tissue. Olivia let out a little groan, the sound swallowed by their kiss as she felt Amanda’s thighs tense beneath her own fingers which had become temporarily frozen as she was distracted by the sensations on her own breasts.

“Liv,” Amanda breathed out, breaking the kiss at last, unable to wait a moment longer to gaze down at the body beneath her. She sat up, hands remaining where they were, all but framing the breasts now exposed to her. “God, you’re gorgeous,” she murmured, drinking in the sight of the woman laying below her.

A small voice in Olivia’s mind tried to remind the older woman that she hadn’t gone to the gym in a couple of weeks but she batted it away. While she, like every other woman on the planet, had suffered from a lack of confidence in her body at times, the way Amanda was gazing down at her, with a reverent expression on her face, Olivia recognised that she didn’t need to play into any body hang ups.

“Let me take this off,” she said, grasping at the bunched material of the t-shirt which was lodged above her breasts and beneath her armpits. She tugged it free and tossed it aside, laying back down on the pillow and giving Amanda an uninterrupted view of the woman’s torso.

“Jesus, you’re perfect,” Amanda marvelled before she ducked her head down and placed a kiss to the centre of Olivia’s breastbone. “Perfect,” she said again. “Perfect.” The word became a mantra, each repetition accompanied by a kiss to the smooth, soft skin. Olivia’s fingers came up to tangle in Amanda’s hair, fingernails scraping her scalp lightly as the woman surrendered to the worship she was receiving.

It didn’t take long for Amanda to kiss over towards the right, lips trailing a path towards their goal. Soon, the puckered, sensitive skin of Olivia’s dark pink nipple bumped against her lip, her hot breath causing the brunette to gasp at the sensation. Amanda steeled herself for a moment before parting her lips, allowing them to envelope the hard nub, trapping it lightly and flickering across it with her tongue.

“Amanda,” the woman above her groaned.

Hearing her name said in that tone, from those lips, did something funny to Amanda’s stomach. And made her desperate to hear it again. She ran a circle with her tongue around Olivia’s nipple, feeling every ridge of the tight skin. Another moan. She circled again, lips tightening slightly, followed by sucking the areola deeper into her mouth.

“Oh yes,” Olivia gasped, fingers grasping at Amanda’s tangled hair, anchoring the woman against her breast. And while Amanda didn’t want to go anywhere, she did feel obligated to pay some attention to the neglected nipple straining against the cool air.

She left the first one with some reluctance but was soon rewarded with the discovery of the other breast which Olivia seemed more than happy with too, judging by the sounds of encouragement. Amanda was pleased to discover that her girlfriend was vocal in bed. Not only did it bode well for communication when it came to sex but she had always rather enjoyed the smug feeling which came with making her lover lose control of the noises they made because they were overcome with pleasure.

When both breasts had been thoroughly worshipped, Amanda trailed her lips back to the centre of the woman’s breasts and kissed a trail up her chest, up the line of her neck, across her jaw until she reached her lips.

“You’re so hot,” she murmured before kissing the woman hard.

Olivia’s hands now clawed at Amanda’s tank top, the word ‘off’ mumbled into the kiss. Briefly sitting up, Amanda tugged her top over her head without ceremony and lent down to resume their kiss but a hand in the middle of her chest stopped her progress.

“What?” she asked, sitting up.

“It’s my turn to admire you,” Olivia replied simply, eyes trailing over the athletic figure sat astride her. She managed to shut out the voice which was trying to remind her of their age gap, pointing out the pertness of the blonde’s breasts, the firmness of her stomach. But Olivia was committed to the moment. She didn’t need old hangups destroying what was being shared. She sat up, cradling Amanda in her lap, face now inches from the woman’s breasts.

“You sure about this? Amanda asked as their eyes met.

“I’m sure,” Olivia nodded. “I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life, Amanda. And I think it’s time we acknowledged that last night was our fifth date.”

The blonde beamed. “It was.”

“Do you remember what I said about our fifth date?”

Amanda chuckled. “I think I vaguely recall, yes.”

“So, you’ve asked if I’m sure. Now it’s my turn to ask if you’re ready to take this step.”

Those deep chocolate eyes gazed into her own, trying to detect a flicker of doubt. But Amanda knew they wouldn’t find any. She’d never had any doubts when it came to Olivia, not about how she felt, anyway.

“I’m sure, Liv. I’m ready. We’re ready.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Next chapter will be NSFW!


	21. Finally

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This chapter is NSFW. And by that, I mean it’s all sex.

Their next kiss was slower, the heat and the urgency which had fuelled their earlier movements now on hold. Perhaps it was because there was finally some clarity, some certainty, a reassurance that this wasn’t going to end before both women were thoroughly satiated. Olivia’s fingers trailed slowly up and down Amanda’s back, feeling the smooth expanse of skin properly for the first time. 

Amanda, meanwhile, was holding herself up above the older woman, hands braced either side of her shoulders. While she rather liked the feel of straddling her superior, she had to admit that the position limited her. That slow kiss had been intense in all the right ways but her core was reminding her that it had been far too long since Amanda had received pleasure from another body. It was time to step it up a gear.

A little whine of complaint emanated from the brunette when Amanda rolled off her, but that whine was quickly smothered by a kiss as Amanda encouraged Olivia to turn on her side so they lay face to face once more, Amanda’s leg now hooked over the older woman’s thigh. 

“I wanted to be able to touch you,” Amanda explained, hand sliding from Olivia’s rib cage around to cup her breast, as if proving a point. 

“Ok,” Olivia breathed out, her own fingers now curling around Amanda’s thigh and hoisting her leg a little higher. “You can touch me all you want.”

Amanda grinned and kissed Olivia again. “Great, but if there’s anything you don’t like or don’t want me to do, tell me.”

“Of course, but I trust you not to cross any lines without us having a conversation first.”

This was what it meant to be in a sexual relationship with two people whose profession revolved around crimes where consent was not given. Both Amanda and Olivia were hyper aware of the need to communicate clearly about what they wanted and what they didn’t want when it came to sex. And both women had been in situations when their words had been ignored.

“Hey,” Olivia said just as Amanda began to kiss her again.

“What?”

“I just … I feel I should acknowledge that I know this isn’t just sex. For either of us,” she added. “But I know that for you this will be the first time you’ve been with someone since … well, since Georgia.”

“Liv, can we not think about him right now?” Amanda asked, tracing the woman’s lips with the tip of her finger. “I don’t want to think about him or what happened. Right now, all that matters to me is that you and I are together, we both want this and we’re both happy to take the next step in our relationship. The past is the past and I don’t want his actions to get in the way of what I have with you.”

Olivia kissed the pads of Amanda’s fingers which were lingering on her lips, a soft, gentle promise. “Ok,” she murmured. “There’s no one else here, it’s just us.”

That was all Amanda needed to hear and as she reconnected her mouth to Olivia’s, those memories faded from her mind. Nothing else mattered. Her mind had no space to process anything other than what it felt like to be in the arms of the woman whose lips were now making their way down her neck, across her clavicle and towards her breasts.

“Fuck,” she cried out as teeth grazed lightly over her small, tight nipples.

“Too much?” Olivia asked, looking up from Amanda’s chest.

“No, they’re just super sensitive,” the blonde breathed out. 

Without breaking eye contact, Olivia flickered her tongue over the puckered flesh, watching the woman above her shiver with pleasure. “Yes, I can see that. Can you come, just from …” Her fingers drifted to the other nipple, squeezing it gently and drawing a gasp from the blonde whose body was now all but vibrating with desire. 

“Yes, I can,” she admitted. “But to be honest, that’s not where I want your fingers right now.” In a pointed, and unnecessary, statement, she rocked her hips forwards, pressing her pubis bone lightly into Olivia’s stomach. 

The brunette chuckled and placed a soft kiss to the alabaster skin of Amanada’s breast before shifting back up the bed slightly and fusing their lips together once more, just as her hand began to slide further south. At that point, a certain urgency took over their movements and Amanda’s hands joined Olivia’s fingers at the waistband of her pyjama bottoms. Within moments, the material was pushed downwards, kicked and shimmied off until it disappeared into the depths of the bed.

Olivia’s fingers rested on Amanda’s bare hip now, stroking gently up and down. The younger woman repositioned herself, swinging her leg back over Olivia’s hip and opening herself up to the woman whose tongue was dancing with her own. And yet Olivia still hesitated. Amanda waited patiently. She didn't push; she knew this was a big step for both of them. In some ways, this was a bigger deal to the Georgian. This was the first time she was being intimate with someone since her rape. But she was able to compartmentalise that fact and focus solely on the woman before her. And she knew Olivia was also having to deal with Amanda’s past as well as the change in their relationship status.

However, Olivia was less capable of separating out Amanda’s past from her present. It wasn’t that the blonde’s experiences in any way affected how Olivia felt about the woman before her. She wasn’t repulsed by Amanda’s story. She was angry with her captain, of course, but she didn’t blame Amanda. No, it wasn’t so much the rape itself which was distracting Olivia but the fact that this, whatever they were about to do, was going to be the first time in months that Amanda was touched by someone to whom she had consented and by someone who cared deeply about her. There was a lot of pressure resting on Olivia’s shoulder, therefore. Pressure she was willing to carry. Pressure she felt honoured to carry and to have been entrusted with. But pressure nonetheless. And she needed to get her head around that burden before she finally took that next step.

“I’m crazy about you, you know that, right?” Olivia murmured, fingers tensed on Amanda’s hip bone.

A soft, dopey smile spread across Amanda’s lips. “Yeah, I do. And I feel the same way. Plus, I’ve gotta say, I’m actually just going crazy knowing your fingers are so damn close to where I need them so, I guess, whenever you’re ready.”

Olivia laughed, feeling the tension which had been hovering on the edges of her brain melt away. She drummed her fingers several times against the curve of the woman’s hip before sliding her fingers around until she felt the neat, coarse patch of public hair. Amanda’s eyes fluttered closed as she let out a sigh of relief. Olivia kissed her gently as she drew small circles through the woman’s curls inching slowly downwards. 

“Liv, please,” Amanda breathed into their kiss, her body trembling with need.

Never one to deny her lover, Olivia shifted her fingertips lower, moving to the apex of Amanda’s legs where she felt the warm dampness radiating into her hand. She cupped the blonde lightly, curling her fingertips to rest against the wetness which had already flooded Amanda’s sex.

“Oh my God, you feel amazing,” Olivia groaned, the heat from the woman’s core reminding her of how much both of them wanted this. Whatever happened in either of their pasts, this moment was about them; about how they felt towards each other. Nothing more. 

“Liv, I need you,” Amanda all but whined, her fingers now clawing against Olivia’s back. “Please, touch me.”

And Olivia obliged. She dragged her fingers slowly through Amanda’s folds, feeling the slick skin beneath her pads. Using her middle finger, she continued her journey, finding and circling the tight little bundle of nerves hidden at the top of the woman’s core. The moment she connected with it, Amanda’s body bucked into the contact. Olivia smirked and did it again, feeling the imprint of ten fingernails on her back. And she didn’t care a bit. In fact, she would wear those marks with pride. 

Her fingers slid backwards, the movement easy through Amanda’s wet core. She used the pads of three fingers to circle and massage the woman’s entrance, pressing lightly but not penetrating, before returning to her clit, this time drawing a cry of delight from the blonde. Olivia’s own cunt clenched at the sound. It wasn’t only Amanda who was turned on. 

She set up a slow, steady rhythm across Amanda’s hooded clit, wanting to make sure the woman was as wet as possible before they went further. Yet again, the knowledge that the last time Amanda was penetrated, another person’s body had caused her pain, made Olivia determined that this time, the experience was going to be nothing but pleasurable, with Amanda’s wants and desires at the centre of everything.

“You like that?” Olivia asked, fingers still rubbing tight little circles over the woman’s clit, the pressure slowly increasing.

“Fuck, yeah,” Amanda gasped, her hips moving forwards and trapping Olivia’s hand between their bodies, increasing the pressure to her nerves. “Can’t you tell?”

Olivia laughed and pressed a little harder, curling her fingers as she did so. “I sure can. You’re very turned on.”

“You’ve turned me on every day since I came to New York. My body feels like it’s on fire. And if you don’t make me come soon, Liv, I may actually die.”

The melodramatic claim was delivered with such intensity, that Olivia almost believed her. And even if it wasn’t true, she had to admit she had been waiting weeks to find out what the woman looked like as she orgasmed. 

“Well, I wouldn’t want you to die, would I?” Olivia said seriously, kissing Amanda softly. “Let me see what I can do about that.”

She used her body weight to roll Amanda over onto her back, fingers still pressed against her core. And then she began shuffling her way down the bed, shimmying her body between Amanda’s parted legs. 

“Oh god, yes,” Amanda exclaimed as she felt Olivia pepper a trail of kisses down her stomach.

The loss of Olivia’s fingers didn’t raise any complaints because moments later the woman’s lips pressed against her inner thigh and Amanda thought she may have died and gone to heaven. Not because of how it felt, although the sensation of hot lips at the juncture where her thigh met her centre did feel incredible. But because of what she could see as she looked down her body. Between her spread legs, looking up at her with those large doe eyes, was her girlfriend. Her Olivia. The woman smiled at her with such tenderness, such warmth, such heart, that Amanda felt her body tingle all over. And then her body was tingling for an entirely different reason as a hot mouth enveloped her sex.

“Oh, Liv,” she cried out, fingers fisting in the sheets in a vain attempt to ground herself. 

But all hope was lost when Olivia’s lips began to suckle lightly on her clit. And the hope of retaining any sense of self control was entirely obliterated as Olivia’s tongue found Amanda’s nerve bundle and began to twist and swirl around it, a relentless, delicious stimulation which, Amanda knew, would bring her to her peak in seconds. 

Normally, she’d be embarrassed by how quickly her body came but frankly she was unashamed. Her cries echoed off the walls of her bedroom, her stomach taut as she felt the waves of pleasure crash over her. Olivia’s wide eyes looked surprised at the speed of the woman’s orgasm but she was unrelenting in her movement. And Amanda was grateful for that because while her first release came after months of built up tension, she knew it wasn’t enough. 

“Don’t stop,” she breathed out, fingers now laced through Olivia’s hair. “Don’t stop.”

Olivia shook her head minutely, although never once allowing her mouth to separate from the woman’s core. She continued to drive her tongue across Amanda’s clit, the mix of her own saliva and the blonde’s juices now filling her mouth. She had barely had time to register the intoxicating taste of the woman, sweet and salty and utterly delicious. She alternated her tongue’s lashing with the occasional suck, keeping the pressure light as she worried the woman’s clit between her lips. 

After the initial crest, it took a little longer to build Amanda back to her peak but Olivia was more than up for the challenge, wanting desperately to feel and see Amanda coming against her mouth again. And again. In fact, Olivia briefly thought that she wanted to see Amanda’s pleasure, stimulated by her own lips, every day for the rest of her life. But she pushed that massive thought out of her mind and focused on the job in hand. 

As Olivia’s tongue sped up, the hot, slippery muscle pressing ever more insistently against Amanda’s clit, the blonde could feel her second orgasm building to its peak inside her.

“Liv, I’m close,” she moaned, wanting to give the woman some warning this time. 

Olivia looked up the lithe body above her and reached up to tangle their fingers together. She felt Amanda gripping her own fingers, their connection rooting them, grounding them, reminding them. 

Her tongue sped up, feeling the body below her clenching and twitching as the pleasure began to crest. Amanda cried out, squeezed Olivia’s fingers almost painfully tightly as she arched from the bed, pressing her cunt against Olivia’s mouth as the woman willingly gave her whatever she needed to ride out the waves of her orgasm. Amanda rocked against her, unashamed in her quest to elongate the bliss her body was experiencing. 

Only when Amanda’s body slumped backwards, her chest heaving and her fingers now slack between Olivia’s, did the older woman stop her ministrations. She placed a final kiss to Amanda’s clit, not wanting to overstimulate her, and made her way back up the bed, realising as she did so that she was still wearing her pyjama bottoms. She discarded them before sliding herself against the spent woman’s side, this time taking the opportunity to curl her own leg up and over Amanda’s thighs as the woman lay, panting, on her back. 

“So,” Olivia said quietly, dropping several kisses to the blonde’s jutting collarbone. “Was it worth the wait?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This took longer than I thought to write. Next chapter will also be NSFW - it’s Olivia’s turn. Any complaints about that? Thank you to the reviewer who reminded me that I’d woven some of Amanda’s experiences in Georgia into the story early on. While this doesn’t come to light until Season 16, I wanted to include it in her subconscious and consider how it would inform her relationships and how she’d choose to disclose to Olivia … and then promptly forgot I’d written about it. So thank you for reminding me!


	22. Beautiful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: sorry for not updating last week. I was away for the weekend and didn’t have time to write! This chapter is, as promised, NSWF.

A throaty chuckle rumbled against Olivia’s forehead and she continued to pepper kisses over the blonde’s clavicle. “Oh, you were so worth the wait,” Amanda confirmed, fingers reaching beneath the older woman’s chin and gently guiding her head upwards until their eyes met. “And I don’t just mean sex.”

Olivia smiled, cocking her head to one side. “No? How else do you mean?” She settled herself beside Amanda to hear the blonde’s answer, her leg still hooked over the woman’s lower half, bringing her still-waiting core mere centimetres from the warmth radiating from the Georgian’s body. 

“Well, I don’t want to go too sappy on ya. That was one hell of an orgasm but you didn’t actually melt my brain, ok? This is just going to get kinda mushy.”

“Ok,” Olivia laughed. “I promise to not think that whatever you’re about to say is just a result of a post-orgasmic haze. So, tell me, what was worth the way?”

“You, Liv,” Amanda said simply. 

“Me?”

“Yeah. You, us. Everything. And I know that’s big and I know we’ve only been officially together for, what, twenty minutes, and I don’t want to scare you away or anything -”

A fierce kiss cut off the ramble, Olivia pressing her lips against Amanda’s to curb the woman’s spiralling thoughts. “I’m not going anywhere,” she murmured when she broke apart.

The expression on Amanda’s face was a mixture of relief but also scepticism. Olivia decided not to comment on the woman’s apprehension. But she did make a promise to herself to spend the rest of their relationship trying to reassure Amanda that she wasn’t going to leave. Something told Olivia that had happened to the blonde before. A thread she’d pull on another time. In that moment, she fell silent and allowed Amanda to continue speaking. 

“It’s just more than I ever dared hope for myself, to be honest,” Amanda said eventually. “You’re more than I ever hoped for. You’re more than I think I deserve and I know you’re going to argue with me on that but I’m just telling you how I feel, ok? So, yeah, you’re worth the wait. I’d have waited my whole life for you, Olivia. I’m just grateful we found each other so early.”

Olivia snorted. “Hardly early. Do you not remember taking me out for my birthday drinks last week? I’m old.”

“I meant early in our acquaintanceship. We could have worked for years side by side before I plucked up the courage to tell you how I felt. And you’re not old, Olivia.”

“I’m older than you.”

“Yeah, and I’m older than … other people. Someone is always the older person in the relationship, Liv. That’s just how the world works. Otherwise we’d all have to be in relationships with people who were born on the exact same day at the exact same time. And that’s just, well, weird”

“I’m not saying that but there’s older and then there’s old,” Olivia replied, sliding her leg from Amanda’s body as she rolled onto her back. It hadn’t been her intention to bring up the subject of their age gap at this time. Sure, they’d talked about it in the past and Amanda had insisted that it didn’t matter to her. 

The truth was, it mattered to Olivia. Her concern was less about how much younger Amanda was. The blonde was more than emotionally mature enough to be in an adult relationship. No, the niggling doubts stemmed from a much more superficial concern. Olivia fumbled for the duvet, discarded during sex, and tugged it over her body.

Amanda, ever the trained detective, understood exactly what Olivia was referring to as the tanned skin disappeared beneath the covers, away from her appreciative gaze. Apparently not appreciative enough. Or, at least, Olivia hadn’t noticed Amanda’s appreciation. Well, she was happy to spend the rest of her life demonstrating how she felt.

Reaching underneath the duvet, Amanda rolled herself on top of the brunette, leaving both their bodies shrouded in material, a warm cocoon containing just the two of them. 

“Hey,” Amanda whispered, cupping Olivia’s face with her hand. “Remember earlier when I said you were perfect? I wasn’t lying. You’re perfect, Olivia. You’re beautiful. Your body is beautiful. And if you’re comfortable, I’d like to show you just how beautiful you are.”

Pink tinged Olivia’s cheeks. “I’m not as beautiful as you.”

A part of her hated the self-doubt she had voiced. A niggling voice in the back of her mind called her a bad feminist. She knew she shouldn’t compare herself to Amanda. She believed Amanda when the younger woman said she was attracted to her, found her beautiful, even. But thanks to growing up in a western, consumer-driven culture, those doubts about her appearance continued to rear their ugly heads. 

Amanda’s finger traced over Olivia’s cheekbone. “You might not see it, but I do. Our bodies are different, Liv. That’s completely normal. Yes, sure, you’re a little older than I am but that doesn’t mean you’re any less sexy. In fact, I’m pretty sure you’re the sexiest woman I’ve ever met.”

The scoff of disbelief puffed into Amanda’s face. She grinned, kissing Olivia quickly before beginning to slide her hand down the woman’s neck, fingers dancing along the curve of her shoulder and towards her chest. 

“You have no idea how sexy you are, do you? This isn’t just about our age difference. You genuinely have no idea how fucking gorgeous you are.”

“Eloquent as always,” Olivia quipped, a little uncomfortable at Amanda’s words. 

“I’m being honest. There are no better words to describe you, Detective Olivia Benson, other than totally fucking gorgeous. Or perhaps the sexiest, most badass cop in the state. Either way, Liv, I promise you that I am so completely turned on by you. Do you not remember how wet you just made me?”

“That was a result of what I did, that wasn’t my body,” Olivia argued.

“It was because it was you doing that, Liv. It was because it was your fingers, your lips, your body against mine. And more than that, it was because it was you as a person. My girlfriend, my friend, the most amazing cop I’ve ever worked with. Please, Olivia, never doubt how incredible you are. Just … let me show you?”

White teeth trapped the plump lip, chewing it to cover her embarrassment and mild disbelief. She wasn’t quite sure where all of the self doubt had come from. Olivia wasn’t usually as self-conscious and unsure of herself in sexual situations. What was it about Amanda that had set her confidence on edge? Was it because the woman lying on top of her was a blonde bombshell? Or was it something else?

“Ok,” she whispered. 

Amanda kissed her gently, moving her lips slowly before allowing their tongues to meet once more. Within moments, she felt her lover relax into the kiss, the tension which had been present in her body dissipating into the surrounding air. But still …

“Are you sure?” Amanda asked, breaking the kiss and searching Olivia’s face to make sure she hadn’t in any way put pressure on the woman to do anything she wasn’t comfortable with. 

“I’m sure,” Olivia nodded.

Their kiss resumed, Amanda’s hands sliding down Olivia’s sides, the movement meaning that the whole of her weight was on top of the older woman. The pressure was delectable and Olivia moaned at the sensation of the lithe body pressed against her own. Lithe. Toned. Tight. Taut. Light. No.

Amanda felt the shift in the body beneath her own and quickly lifted herself up, not breaking the kiss but instead placing her knees on either side of Olivia’s hips, their bare centres now, for the first time, inches from one another. The relief flooded through Olivia’s body as the pressure lifted and she was able to lose herself in the kiss again as questing hands now sought out her breasts. 

The generous globes, much larger than the younger woman’s, were more than a handful but Amanda cupped them with gentle reverence, palming them softly for a moment before she broke the kiss and allowed her lips to join in the fun. Each nipple was kissed and licked, teeth teasing the sensitive skin to hardness. Olivia watched the blonde head before her, switching from one side to the other, determined that no inch of the woman’s skin be left untouched by her lips. 

“You taste like coconut.”

“Excuse me?” Olivia asked with a chuckle. 

Eyes locked on Olivia’s, Amanda lowered her mouth to the woman’s breastbone and let her tongue flick over the skin. “Coconut,” she confirmed. 

“Oh, um, yeah, it’s my moisturiser,” Olivia admitted. “Coconut oil.”

“It’s delicious,” Amanda remarked, taking a moment to lick the woman again. 

“I’m not a popsicle,” Olivia chuckled. 

A blonde eyebrow arched. “Coulda fooled me. You taste good enough to eat.”

The way those lips smirked at the words set Olivia’s core alight. Whatever she had been concerned about, whatever body hang ups had been tickling the back of her mind, in that moment, she needed Amanda. 

“‘Manda,” she gasped. “Touch me.”

That smirk became even more salacious before the woman promptly disappeared as she shuffled her way backwards down the bed, throwing the duvet over her head as she moved so that Olivia’s body was covered. Not that the brunette noticed the thoughtful act. Her brain short circuited as she felt eager fingers pressing her thighs wider apart and the puff of hot air against her exposed sex. 

Amanda didn’t hesitate. Perhaps under different conditions she would have taken her time to explore Olivia’s most private area but for now, all she wanted to do was bring the woman pleasure. There’d be time in the future for her to map every millimetre of the woman’s body with her lips and tongue, reminding the woman with every kiss of how attractive she was. In that moment, however, what Olivia needed was stimulation. And so Amanda gave it to her. 

Through the gloom beneath the duvet, she moved forwards and dragged her tongue through Olivia’s folds for the first time. She couldn’t stop the moan which fell from her lips and immediately went back for a second taste, then a third. Above the duvet, she heard her name being gasped, the thighs beneath her hands tensed. Olivia was immensely aroused. Even if her mind had been distracted with her crisis of self-confidence, her body was reacting to her girlfriend. This gave Amanda hope, and made her just a little smug. 

She continued to lave her tongue across hot, sensitive flesh, her saliva combining with Olivia’s natural wetness. The duvet rustled as Olivia’s body began to rock into the rhythm Amanda set. It may have been a while since Amanda was intimate with a woman but she soon remembered some of her old moves. 

Her tongue flicked over Olivia’s clit, a little harder, a little more firmly. She dragged her tongue up again, curling the tip over the sensitive nub. Profanities now reached her ears as Olivia’s body began to coil with pleasure. Her tongue moved faster, the strokes harder, the flick across the bundle of nerves becoming more and more focused until her lips sealed around Olivia’s clit alone. 

This time it was Amanda’s name which reached her ears. The levels of smugness grew exponentially as she sealed her mouth over the sensitive nub. And she set to work. Her tongue began to lash, relentless and persistent. Her lips sucked, drawing more of the woman’s hot flesh into her mouth, feasting on her core as those thighs clamped around her head. 

“Amanda, fuck.”

A rush of cool air against Amanda’s bare back alerted the blonde to the fact that the duvet had been removed. She opened her eyes, never once slowing down the pace of her mouth as she worked Olivia towards her peak. But she did look up the body before her, flushed skin trembling, fingers threaded through the headboard as if Olivia was seeking for something which kept her anchored. 

It was a sight she didn’t think she’d ever forget. The woman’s stomach rose and fell, tensing and contracting as the pleasure coiling low in her belly reached new heights. Her breasts, capped with still-hard nipples, were heaving as Olivia drew each ragged breath. Those long arms, extended high above her head, the muscles visible as she gripped the wooden slats behind her. And those brown eyes, deep and soulful and oh so lost in the moment. 

Amanda wanted nothing more than to kiss her, take those parted lips and convey all of her feelings. But that wasn’t what Olivia needed. What she needed was Amanda to stay between her legs, eating her cunt as if she was a starving woman. And Amanda was willing to oblige. 

“Amanda, that’s …. Oh god, yes,” Olivia cried, hips bucking off the bed slightly, knuckles white as she clung to the headboard. 

If it was possible to smirk without detaching her lips from Olivia’s core, Amanda would have. But instead she just redoubled her efforts, her tongue now flying relentlessly over the engorged nerves, faster and faster, harder and harder until the brunette finally came, her body contorted with pleasure, tremors wracking her limbs as Amanda drew wave after wave from her. 

Any inhibitions Olivia felt evaporated. She didn’t care what she looked like. She didn’t care if her breasts hung a little lower than they had when she was twenty-five, if her stomach wasn’t as flat as it once was. She didn’t care if her thighs were a little softer than Amanda’s. She didn’t care that she was swearing like a trooper, crying out to a god whose existence she had questioned many times in her life. She didn’t care that she was practically riding Amanda’s face by now, grinding against the woman’s mouth as she worked to draw every last second of pleasure from Amanda.

And Amanda didn’t mind either. In fact, she was drinking it all in. From the flavour flooding her mouth to the sight of the woman writhing on the bed, to the way Olivia’s face had become so open and vulnerable and unguarded because she had truly given herself over to the sensations. The blonde tried to imprint every detail into her memory, praying she’d never forget this moment for the rest of her life. And then she added a prayer. She prayed that over the subsequent decades, she’d get to see Olivia Benson in the throes of passion again, and again, and again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yep, I mixed sex with sappy - my favourite!


	23. Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: There will be 2 more chapters after this one, just so you know! I’d like to try and get them out for Christmas too! … but that depends on how busy work is for the last 3 days of the year!

The remainder of the women’s time away from the precinct passed as one might expect. Wrapped in the warm fuzzy feeling of a new relationship, they barely spent a moment apart. Late on Sunday morning, the duo dragged themselves out of bed in a vain attempt to start their day. After a longer-than-planned shower together which ended only when both women clung to each other, slick, satiated bodies under the ever cooling water from Amanda’s shower, they finally got dressed to take Frannie for a walk.

The dog was unperturbed that her owner was itching to get back to the apartment and spent over half an hour scampering around the park, smelling all the new scents which had appeared overnight. Amanda and Olivia watched as she dashed backwards and forwards, making friends with various other four-legged creatures whose owners were huddled against the cold New York wind.

“Come on Frannie,” Amanda called when she didn’t think she could feel her fingers any more.

“Impatient to get home?” Olivia asked, wrapping her arms around the shorter woman from behind and resting her chin on Amanda’s shoulder.

“You know it. You’ve been dressed far too long for my liking.”

Olivia chuckled and pressed a kiss to the chilled exposed skin of Amanda’s neck, making a mental note to buy the woman a scarf for Christmas. The blonde rolled her head to the side, welcoming the public display of affection as they waited for Frannie to finally obey her owner and get her ass back to them. When the dog finally decided that she was satisfied that every lamppost had been sniffed, every scrap of grass had been peed on and every other dog had been park had been greeted, she came bounding back.

“Mad creature,” Amanda muttered as Frannie ran in circles around the two women for a moment before sitting abruptly in front of her master and waited patiently for her lead to be attached.

Back in the apartment, the bed was substituted with the sofa. Take out was ordered and Netflix was turned on. The bed beckoned them earlier than usual but it was well after midnight when the two of them finally switched off the night and settled into one another’s arms to sleep.

* * *

Monday passed in much the same way. After one of Frannie’s walks, the two women passed by Olivia’s apartment so that the woman could pick up some fresh clothes. As Amanda stood in the front room, not trusting Frannie to be left alone in Olivia’s neat, pale apartment, she mused that their relationship had, as a result of her dog, meant they spent most of their time together at her place.

“Do you mind?” Amanda asked after broaching this subject with Olivia on their way back to the blonde’s apartment.

“Not at all. I know you need to be there for Frannie. My house plants can last days without seeing my face. Frannie, however, needs her owner. I get it.”

“Yeah, but it feels kinda unfair on you. Plus, your place is way nicer than mine. Bigger too. And your bed is comfier.”

“Well, that’s true. Your mattress isn’t as good but I’m not staying at yours for the bed or for the real estate full stop. It’s where I need to be to spend time with you and that makes it the best place for our relationship, in my opinion.”

Amanda looped her arm through Olivia’s and squeezed. “You got sappy,” she teased.

“Shut up,” Olivia replied, not meaning it at all. She was sappy with Amanda. It was a new way of being for her and, if she was honest with herself, she liked it.

* * *

On Tuesday morning, the two women hurried down the street hand in hand, a little late thanks to Amanda’s decision to walk out of the bathroom completely naked which, naturally, delayed their routine by fifteen minutes. And now they were slipping and sliding through New York’s icy streets, hoping that no one would notice that they were both uncharacteristically late. And arriving together.

As they turned onto the block which housed the 16th precinct, their fingers separated and they slowed to a walk, not wanting to attract more attention to themselves.

“So, you’re going to talk to Cragen this morning, right?” Amanda asked, hoisting her handbag onto her shoulder.

“Assuming he’s in a good mood, yes. Is that still ok?” Olivia asked.

The night before they had discussed whether they wanted to tell their boss immediately about their romantic relationship or wait a couple of weeks. While both women acknowledged that their courtship was relatively new, they were both open and honest enough to recognise that what they had was good, what they felt towards each other was strong, and that being honest with their superiors early would stand them in good stead.

“Yes, tell him everything,” Amanda confirmed. “I mean, not everything. He doesn’t need to know about that thing you do with your tongue. Which, by the way, I want to try tonight. Do you curl it or -”

“FIN, HI!” Olivia bellowed as she spotted their colleague walking out of the precinct and heading for the bodega on the corner.

The man turned and raised his eyebrows slightly at the way he had been practically yelled at. “Good morning. You’re both late.”

“Where are you going? Got a case?” Amanda asked, ignoring the unasked question and trying to steer the subject matter to safer ground. She knew Olivia wanted to talk to their captain before anyone else on their team found out about their relationship.

“Nah, we’re out of coffee in the breakroom.”

“Oh, I’ll come with you. I ate the last of the donuts last week so should probably replace them. See you later,” she added to Olivia, resisting the urge to give her girlfriend a goodbye kiss.

She joined Fin and the two of them crossed the street and ducked into the bodega in silence. As they perused the range of instant coffee tins the store offered, Fin finally decided to ask the question he’d been wanting to pose to his new partner for weeks.

“So, you and Liv, something going on there?”

“What?” Amanda asked, a little too loudly.

Fin didn’t want to push but he also didn’t want his partner to feel like she had to hide things from him. They might not have worked together for long and he liked the Georgian blonde. She offered fresh insight, a different perspective. And she shared his passion for the job, which was what mattered to him the most. If she wanted her private life to remain private, that was fine with him. The problem was, from the way the young woman’s cheeks were blooming red and the way she wasn’t meeting his eyes, he knew that his hunch had been correct.

“I’m not trying to pry. I just noticed that you two have been getting pretty close recently. Spending a lot of time together. And you both seem happy. It’s nice. I’ve not seen Liv smiling the way she does with you for a long time. So, if you don’t wanna talk about it, that’s cool. I won’t stick my nose where it’s not wanted. But just know that I’m made up for you both.”

There was no avoiding the subject now so Amanda turned to look at the man whom she was already seeing like an older brother. There was a gentle, knowing smile on his lips and she couldn’t help but grin back.

“Don’t tell anyone yet, ok? Liv’s talking to Captain Cragen today. Apparently he needs to know since we work in the same squad.”

“You’re telling the captain?” Fin asked. “So, it’s serious?” He had guessed that there was something going on but he hadn’t given too much thought into what sort of relationship might have been developing. Casual sexual relationships at work weren’t unheard of and he couldn’t remember the last time Olivia had dated someone seriously. For some reason, he hadn’t considered the possibility that whatever was happening between his partner and Olivia was much more than just a physical tryst.

“Yeah, it’s serious. I mean, it’s a relationship and it’s going really well. We …,” Amanda trailed off, unsure how much to confide in the man next to her. And then the dam broke. “She’s amazing, Fin. She’s incredible. And I don’t just mean the sex,” At that, Fin looked away quickly, “but the time we spend together. Liv’s interesting and funny and kind and so intelligent. She interests me and makes me laugh and challenges me and drives me to be a better person. I … I’m crazy about her,” she finished, a little embarrassed about the rush of emotions she’d unloaded.

While Fin wasn’t one for a long, mushy talk about feelings, even he could recognise how happy and besotted his partner was. “I’m happy for you, Amanda. For you both. Liv deserves someone great too, and you’re pretty great! Just, don’t hurt her, ok? She’s had a tough life and she deserves some happiness. So do you, by the way. I think you two are perfect for each other.”

“Really?” Amanda whispered, hardly daring to believe that final statement.

“Really. And you know what? Seeing you two gives an old man like me a little hope. Sometimes I give up after a bad date or one of those cases that makes you question humanity but you two prove that happiness is possible, and will come for people who deserve it.”

“Aw, look at you getting all sentimental. You wanna do the toast at our wedding?” Amanda laughed.

Fin raised an eyebrow. “Thinking of marrying her already, are you?”

Those words sobered Amanda and she realised what she had said. It was way too soon to think about marriage. For heaven’s sake, they’d only officially been together for three days and most of that time had been spent in bed. The rose-tinted glasses of the start of any relationship didn’t last, she knew that. But the mental image of Olivia in a wedding dress, she also knew, would stay in her mind for a long time.

“Let’s get back, ok?” Amanda suggested. “That coffee’s the best of these lot,” she added, pointing to a blue tin. “I’m gonna go grab the donuts. Meet you at the cashier.”

Understanding that the conversation was over, Fin slid the indicated tin off the shelf and made his way to pay. A few minutes later, the duo hurried back across the street towards the 16th precinct.

“Hey, don’t spread it around about me and Liv,” Amanda said just as they reached the far sidewalk. “I know we’re telling Cragen but that’s because we have to. And you know but you’re my partner, so that’s cool. To be honest, if it were up to me, I’d send out emails to every cop in Manhattan cos I think it’s fucking amazing that I get to date Olivia Benson. But I’m pretty sure Liv would murdur me if I did that. She doesn’t want us to become the source of gossip for everyone we work with. I know that’s inevitable but can we not hasten that event?”

“I get it,” Fin nodded, leading the way into the building. “Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.”

“Thanks Fin, I appreciate it. And sorry for unloading on you back there. I’ve not had the chance to speak to anyone about this and, well, I guess it’s kinda exciting!”

“Hey, if you wanna talk, I’m here. We can grab a beer after work any time you want. I know it’s hard being the new kid on the block. We’re a friendly bunch but our work doesn’t leave much time for making friends away from the precinct. So, yeah, any time you want a beer, lemme know.” By this time they were waiting for the elevator which, when it arrived, was empty so they were able to continue their conversation as they rode the old, slow contraption up to their floor.

Amanda smiled. “Thanks Fin. I appreciate that. Might have to take you up on that some time. I think Liv has plans with Alex later in the week. Maybe we can have a beer then.”

“You don’t want to join then?” Fin looked a little surprised. From everything he had witnessed, the two blondes got on very well.

But Amanda shook her head. “Nah, this is Liv’s time with her friend. We’ve been kinda living in each other’s pockets the last few weeks. Which has been awesome, of course. But having our own space and time apart is good too. Alex already knows about us and I’m sure Liv wants time to bitch about all the things I do that annoy her. I don’t want to act like a koala, even though they’re super cute. She can have her time with Alex and I can have an evening with you, if that’s ok?”

“Sure but on one condition: you’re not allowed to tell me anything about Olivia and you in bed, ok? That’s not something I wanna think about. Keep it PG, please.”

Amanda laughed. “Deal. I’ll check what night Liv and Alex have plans and let you know. Looking forward to it.”

“Me too,” Fin said as the elevator pinged and opened its doors to reveal the bullpen.

Amanda’s eyes immediately went to the large window of her boss’ office. Through the half closed blinds she could see Captain Cragen sitting behind his desk. Stood in front of him was Olivia. As Amanda watched, the man caught her looking through the glass at him and, just for a moment, smiled, before turning his attention back to his longest serving detective.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Stay safe over the holidays peeps!


	24. Captain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Faster than usual! This is the penultimate chapter.

Amanda’s eyes flicked to the closed door of Cragen’s office every few minutes. The paperwork she was supposed to be filling out was interminably dull and she desperately wanted to know what was being said between her girlfriend and her boss. But before Olivia could step out into the bullpen and recount the conversation to her, she and Fin caught a case.

By the time she returned to the precinct with the victim’s partner to conduct a more comprehensive interview, Olivia herself was out at a crime scene with her partner, Nick. At least the two of them already had established working relationships with other members of their squad, Amanda mused to herself. It wasn’t as if they usually worked cases together, and when they did, it was more in a supportive capacity. For the most part, they rarely found themselves together without any other colleagues around them. 

It was their judgement, she knew, that NYPD would be concerned about. In a life or death situation, when a split second decision had to be made, their minds had to be clear and unobstructed by such pesky things as emotions. While police partners had been known to become incredibly close, there was a general understanding that sex complicated matters further. And even partners who weren’t sexually involved deemed to become too close could be split up. Like Olivia and her former partner. The brunette had confessed that to Amanda the previous day, as they lay in bed talking about how they would come clean to Cragen. She and Elliot had been separated for exactly that reason, if only for a short period of time. 

Amanda considered herself to be a well-trained, by the book cop. She was committed to doing her job well and put the welfare of those she was employed to protect above all else. But she had to admit to herself that if she thought Olivia was in danger, her actions may be influenced by that fact. The thought of something happening to that dark-haired beauty sent a shot of anguish through her heart. 

As she gathered the paperwork she needed for the interview, she glanced at her cell phone. No message from Olivia to let her know how her talk with Cragen had gone. She’d have to be in suspense for a little longer. 

Focusing instead on the partner of their latest victim, Amanda ensured she was present in the interview and not only asked all the necessary questions but provided the support they surely needed after what they had seen. By the time they had finished, her stomach was grumbling, requesting some lunch. 

“I’m gonna grab a sub and I’ll be right back,” Amanda said as she and Fin returned to their desks. “You want anything?”

“Meatballs, extra cheese,” Fin replied. 

But before Amanda could shrug on her coat, their boss appeared in the doorway and asked her to come inside. Fin raised his eyebrows before offering to do the lunch run himself. 

“Thanks. Tuna melt, please,” Amanda replied before removing her winter coat and making her way into Cragen’s office and shutting the door behind her. Well, she was expecting a conversation but she wished she had had the chance to speak with Olivia before this moment. 

“Take a seat, Rollins,” Cragen said, gesturing to the chairs on the other side of his desk to where he himself was sitting. 

Amanda sank into the closest one, not wanting to say anything until she could gauge how the earlier talk had gone. 

“I suppose you know that Detective Benson talked to me earlier?” Cragen began. Amanda nodded to confirm. “She’s told me about your relationship and has assured me that it won’t affect either of you in terms of your work. Is that true of you as well?”

“Absolutely, Captain,” Amanda nodded. “You can rely on me to be completely professional here. No one need know we’re together and we’ll try to avoid drawing attention to our relationship at work. This job means the world to me and I don’t want to jeopardise that.”

Cragen hesitated for a moment before continuing. “We also talked about how we can approach this in terms of the two of you being in the field together. Now, I know most of the time you work with Fin and Olivia works with Amaro but there are occasions when you two will find yourself without other cops around. This is something we need to address.”

When there was nothing else said, Amanda tentatively spoke: “Ok, and how do we do that?”

“I’d like to send you both on a training refresher for high-pressure situations. Our job can be intense at the best of times, let alone when you add the sort of emotions I can already see the two of you have for one another into the mix. I need that training to be front of mind, regardless of who’s around you.”

“I understand. Whatever you need me, us, to do, we’ll do it. I … what did Liv say?”

“I’ll let her fill you in on our conversation,” Cragen replied. “Just because I know you two are involved, that doesn’t mean I’m going to treat the two of you in relation to one another any differently. I wouldn’t tell you what Fin or Amaro said to me during a private meeting and I won’t tell you what Olivia said either.”

Amanda blushed, feeling as if she had already demonstrated a way in which their office dynamic was going to change. “I’m sorry, you’re right. That was unprofessional.”

Cragen paused for a moment before taking pity on his newest hire. “Amanda, I’m happy for you. I’ve known Olivia for a long time and I can tell you make her happy. Sure, your relationship complicates matters a little here and as your captain, my priority is your safety and the safety of the civilians in New York. I don’t deny that I anticipate this being a headache in the future but I trust Olivia’s judgement implicitly. You, I don’t know as well. But from everything you’ve shown me so far, plus the fact that I know Olivia would not have come in here this morning if she wasn’t confident in both of your abilities when it comes to remaining professional at work, I’ll willing to trust you too. Just don’t let me down, ok?”

“Of course not, Captain. You can trust me, I promise. I’m solid.”

“I don’t doubt it. Right, that’s all I wanted to say. Once you’ve finished up that tuna melt, I’d like a brief from you and Fin about this case.”

“You got it. Thanks Captain.”

“You’re welcome.”

Amanda got to her feet and made for the door but before she had left, Cragen spoke once more. 

“Don’t hurt her, Amanda.”

She turned, her eyes meeting those of the man whom, she suddenly realised, represented the father figure Olivia had never known. He was so much more than her boss, her mentor. 

“I won’t, I promise.”

There was a beat, then Cragen nodded once and returned to his paperwork as Amanda slipped from the quiet office and back into the communal bullpen, just in time to see Olivia and Nick walking back in. Olivia raised an eyebrow at the woman, asking a silent question. Amanda answered by jerking her head towards the break room. 

“I’m gonna grab a coffee. You want one?” the brunette asked Nick who was already striding towards his desk to get started searching for a suspect based on a description a witness at the scene had given. 

“Sure,” Nick replied. 

Olivia reached the break room before Amanda who entered seconds later. Mercifully, there was no one else inside. 

“Hey, you got a new case?” Amanda asked.

“Yeah, college campus rape. Usual story. We’re heading out to the frat house later. What did Cragen say?”

“I guess he just wanted to hear from me that our relationship wasn’t going to be a problem, professionally speaking. He seemed pretty accepting. I figured you’d laid the groundwork for me. What was your conversation like with him this morning?”

Olivia flicked on the coffee machine before answering, remembering that she was going to have to deliver the hot drink to her partner. “You know, it didn’t go like I expected,” she mused, leaning against the counter.

“In a good way or a bad way?” Amanda asked, crossing the room to stand beside the woman, but making sure to keep a respectable distance between them.

“I don’t quite know.”

“Was he mad?” Amanda pressed, now a little concerned. From her own interaction with their boss, she had thought the man seemed relatively on board with their relationship. Or at least as on board as they could expect him to be, given the circumstances.

“No, he wasn’t mad. The opposite, in fact. He seemed … happy for me, for us,” she added.

Amanda smiled softly. That made a lot more sense to her. “No, Liv, he was happy for you. Cragen’s known me for five minutes. He’s worked with you for over a decade. It makes complete sense that he’s happy to see that you’re happy. I mean, assuming you are happy.” 

The hasty addendum made Olivia roll her eyes. “As if you don’t know, Amanda. Of course I’m happy. I’m more than happy. You … look, we’re at work, we can’t talk like this otherwise Cragen’s acceptance is going to be hastily reversed. But let’s just say I’ll show you just how happy you make me this evening.”

Suddenly all the air seemed to have been sucked out of the break room. Amanda opened her mouth to say something but no words formed. Olivia smirked in satisfaction and set about making a coffee for herself and her partner. A third for Amanda was made when the blonde finally managed to nod that yes, in fact, she wanted a coffee too. 

“So, when you manage to remember how to speak again,” Olivia said as she poured milk into two of the mugs, “I wanted to ask you about your holiday plans. I know we’re at work and we’ve got bad guys to put away but it’s something that I was thinking about over the weekend. And, well, now we’re public at work, I was thinking maybe we could take a trip somewhere.”

Amanda beamed at the older woman. “I’d love that. A romantic getaway somewhere sounds perfect. But I kinda already told my mama I’d come home for Christmas. The holidays are a big deal in my family and I promised my sister I’d be home too. Without both of us there, my mama is a bit too much to deal with. But the two of us can weather the storm better.”

“Sure, totally understand,” Olivia said, forcing down the disappointment which bubbled up inside her. “No problem. Maybe we can go away some time in the spring.”

“Or,” Amanda said slowly, “I mean, do you wanna come with me?”

“To Georgia?” Olivia’s eyes widened. She had contemplated exactly this situation but had never really thought it would happen. At least not so early on in their relationship. “To meet your family?”

“Just my mama and sister. My pa ain’t around any more,” Amanda replied. “No pressure. I know it’s fast. Just wanted to offer. I’d like to spend the holidays with you so, yeah, if you’re game, come to Georgia. We’ll show you how Christmas is celebrated in the South.”

Already, Olivia could feel herself more than tempted. “Are you sure? You really want me to come?”

“Completely sure. I truly want you to come.” At that second sentence, the blonde winked, causing Olivia to roll her eyes at the double entendre. 

“I mean, if it’s ok with your family, then yes, I’d love to join you. Thank you for the offer.”

Amanda beamed wider than ever and stepped forwards before remembering where she was. Planting a kiss to Olivia’s lips mere minutes after promising their captain their relationship wouldn’t be obvious at work was a bad move. But it was certainly what Amanda wanted to do. And Olivia knew it, judging by the way her eyes darkened. 

“I wish we weren’t standing in a room with windows onto the bullpen right now,” she murmured. 

“Me neither,” Amanda replied. “So let me just say that if we weren’t, I’d be wrapping my arms around you right now and kissing you so hard you’d forget how to breathe.”

Olivia let out a little chuckle. “Well, I’ll just have to wait until our shift finishes I suppose.”

“And we’ve got the holidays to make up for lost time,” Amanda added. “I planned to fly down to Atlanta on Friday night. You’re off then too, right?” Olivia nodded. “I’ll book us both tickets then. Just four days. That ok?”

“Perfect, but only if your family is happy for me to come. I don’t want to intrude on a family Christmas.”

Amanda shook her head. “Don’t be silly. You’re my guest. The more the merrier anyway. My mama always cooks as if we’re a family of eight anyway. I can’t wait for you to try her pumpkin pie.”

“I can’t wait to see your home,” Olivia replied. 

“It’s not much, but yeah, it’s home.”

“It’s where you were from, Amanda. It’s where you grew into the woman you are today. It’s everything you are and that means I want to know everything about it. I want to understand where you came from, why you’re the person you became, the person I ... I want to know everything, Amanda.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The next chapter will be the last chapter and it’ll hopefully be published on Christmas Day … if I have time to write it!


	25. Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Well, this is delayed but … Happy Christmas peeps. I’m sure some of you have been unable to travel to see friends and relatives this holiday season as a result of Covid so I hope you’re all enjoying your celebrations in whatever form they may take. Here’s the final chapter of my first ever Rolivia fanfic - I hope you liked it!

After chatting merrily to her girlfriend for the entire duration of the flight from New York to Atlanta, Olivia fell silent as soon as they climbed into the back of a cab and began the final leg of the journey, towards Amanda’s family home. The blonde, of course, noticed after the third question she posed went unanswered and it became clear Olivia wasn’t listening.

“Hey,” Amanda said softly, reaching out and placing her palm on Olivia’s thigh, “it’s going to be fine.”

“You don’t know that,” Olivia replied, although she covered Amanda’s hand with her own and squeezed lightly.

“I do know that. My mama might be a Southern traditionalist in many ways but she’s always been good as gold about my sexuality. Never batted an eye, even the first time I told her. My pa was a different matter but Mama’s been supportive from day one.”

“I’m glad to hear that but that wasn’t actually what I was thinking,” Olivia said.

It took a gentle push from Amanda to get Olivia to expand further, the brunette clearly lost in her own thoughts.

“I’ve never been good at the parent meeting stuff,” she admitted at last. “I don’t know why because I think I’m good with people generally. I mean, it’s part of our job, right?”

“Right, and I’ve seen you in action, Liv. You’re a natural with survivors but you also have a way of connecting with suspects in a way which makes them either co-operate or let their guard down. So yes, you’re good with people.”

“All people expect parents of people I’m dating, apparently,” Liv sighed.

“What happens when you meet parents?”

Amanda was curious now. She hadn’t been lying when she had praised the way in which Olivia interacted with people at work. It had been one of the attributes she was most impressed by when she first met the brunette. In fact, it surprised Amanda that Olivia was feeling anything beyond the expected nerves which come when meeting the parents of your partner.

“I just … I don’t know, I guess I try too hard. I want to make a good impression but somehow I misjudge it and end up coming across obnoxious or smug, I think. Smug is definitely a word which has been used to describe me.”

“What?” Amanda exclaimed, noting as she did so that they were now less than five minutes from her childhood home. “You’re not smug, Liv. You’re one of the most modest people I know.”

“Yeah, well, get ready to see a whole different side of me. I’ll try to stop but I can’t help it. I think I’m overcompensating for the niggling feeling in the back of my mind that the parents of my girlfriends think I’ve somehow tempted their daughter to lesbianism and taught her my lurid ways. I worked that out when I realised I was worse with parents of girlfriends and better with parents of boyfriends.”

By this point, their conversation had piqued the interest of their taxi driver who was listening intently. It appeared, the man mused, that one of the women in the back of his vehicle was a bisexual. He’d heard of people like this but had never met one. In fact, he didn’t think they really existed, if he was honest. Neither woman noticed the man’s eavesdropping.

“Well, my mama isn’t going to think that about you. I’m pretty sure some of my girlfriends’ parents thought I was the one who led their daughters into the deep dark woods but that never bothered me. Honestly, Liv, you have nothing to worry about. Just be yourself. Mama will love you. Kim too.”

“You sure?”

“Positive,” Amanda nodded, leaning across the backseat of the cab and placing a chaste kiss to Olivia’s cheek. “Know why?”

“Why?”

“Hmmm … I’ll tell you soon. We’re here,” she added, pointing out the window of the cab which had slowed to a halt and gestured to the modest single storey building they were now parked outside.

Amanda paid the cab driver, giving him a generous tip and adding a “Merry Christmas” which meant the man drove away thinking that maybe those bisexuals and lesbians were nice people after all. With suitcases in hand, Amanda led the way through the rusted gate which creaked as she opened it and up the garden path to the front porch.

Before she could reach it, however, the door was thrown open and the familiar shrill call of her mother greeted her. By the time she got to the top step of the porch, her mother was standing there, arms open, waiting for her eldest daughter to give her a long overdue hug.

“Mandy, darling, I’m so glad you’re here. We’ve got so much to cook. You’re hungry, right? You look thin. Aren’t you eating right up in New York? I thought there were supposed to be all sorts of fancy restaurants up there. But clearly you’ve been starving. Don’t worry, we’ll soon put that right. I’ve got two different birds for Christmas Day. Special treat. Kim’s just out getting some more potatoes as I didn’t buy enough. Well, what are you waiting for? Come in, come in.”

All of this was said with barely a breath and Olivia watched, dumbfounded from the bottom of the steps.

“Mama, chill,” Amanda laughed, dropping her suitcase just inside the door and turning to Olivia. “There’s someone I want you to meet, remember?”

Amanda’s mother clapped a hand to her mouth. “Of course, of course. Where are my manners. It’s Olivia, right?”

“Yes,” Olivia nodded, reaching out her hand and stepping onto the porch. “Olivia Benson. It’s wonderful to meet you, Mrs Rollins. Your daughter has told me so much about you.”

“Nonsense,” the older Rollins said, batting Olivia’s hand out of the way and pulling the taller woman in for a firm hug. “It’s lovely to meet you too. Although, I must admit, Amanda’s not told me much. It’s hard to get this one on the phone these days, even if you are her mother,” the woman added, shooting a mock scowl at her daughter. “I suppose your work keeps you rather busy up in the big smoke.”

“It’s a full on job, yes, Mrs Rollins,” Olivia nodded, following the two blondes into the house.

“Call me Beth Anne, no need for formalities here. Mandy, doll, can you stir the sauce on the stove? I’ll show Olivia to your room.”

“How about you stir the sauce and I’ll show Liv to my room,” Amanda retorted.

Beth Anne raised an eyebrow. “Barely here two minutes and already reverting to your teenage self. I think that’s a record, is it not, Mandy?”

Amanda gave her mother an elaborate eyeroll and stomped off down the corridor. Olivia stayed where she was for a moment before Beth Anne chuckled and nodded at her to follow the blonde who was now turning into a room off the main hallway. Grateful for the excuse to not be alone with the mother of her girlfriend, Olivia hurried after Amanda and found her already unpacking her suitcase which was mostly full of presents for her family.

“So, that’s my mama,” Amanda said over her shoulder as she saw Olivia entering the room.

“She seems very nice. Very welcome.”

“She’s great,” Amanda admitted. “But, well, mothers have the ability to get under your skin, don’t they?”

“They sure do,” Olivia nodded, sinking down on the bed, leaving her bag on the floor.

Amanda bit her lip, realising what she had said. While she liked to complain about how much her mother wound her up, she had forgotten that Olivia’s mother had died when the brunette was barely in her thirties. Irritating as her mother was, Amanda couldn’t imagine how she could feel knowing she’d never talk to her mother again, never be annoyed by her, never have another argument.

“Liv, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it.”

But Olivia shook her head and forced a smile. “It’s fine, don’t worry. I totally get it. My mom drove me crazy too, so I can relate.”

“Yeah but -”

Olivia pulled Amanda to her and placed a sound kiss to her lips. “No buts, ok? It’s Christmas. Let’s not bring my family into the picture. This is about your family, Mandy.”

The blonde wrinkled her nose. “Don’t call me that.”

“Why not, Mandy?”

Amanda scowled. “Dammit! I knew this was a mistake.”

Olivia laughed. “Ok, ok, I won’t call you it again. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to overstep. Family name?”

“Something like that,” Amanda nodded.

“Care to expand?”

“My pa called me it. It reminds me of him. I let Mama call me it because I don’t think she realises that I associate it with him. Kim calls me Amanda now; she knew it bugged me.”

“I’m sorry,” Olivia said soberly. “That was insensitive of me. I won’t do it again.”

Amanda accepted a kiss in addition to the apology which was short lived thanks to her sister coming back and slamming the door behind her, bellowing out that she’d bought all of the potatoes in Georgia. Which, it seemed to Olivia when she entered the kitchen to see the mound of the vegetable on the table, might not be far from the truth.

* * *

The rest of the day was given over to food prep, the four of them working on a range of different dishes for the festivities they would be enjoying over the coming days. Olivia found herself more relaxed that she usually was around the family of the person she was involved in and engaged in an animated discussion with Beth Anne about literature. She only dropped a couple of Russian authors’ names. Perhaps she shouldn’t have mentioned that she read Proust in his native French. But Beth Anne didn’t seem to mind. The conversation shifted however, and she found herself being grilled, gently, by Kim about her personal life.

Olivia couldn’t help but keep remembering what Amanda had suffered as a result of her sister’s drug problem. But there was no sign that the woman was still using, and her warm, bubbly personality won Olivia over quickly. She understood why Amanda had wanted to protect her younger sister. Kim was delightful but a little naive and perhaps lacked some of the worldly know-how Amanda possessed. It was understandable that Amanda had taken on the role of protecting Kim in their father’s absence. Olivia just wished that hadn’t led to such a heinous act being committed against Amanda. But what her boss did wasn’t Kim’s fault. And Olivia couldn’t hold it against her.

With all the food prep completed, the four of them retired to the lounge in the late afternoon where Amanda suggested they play a board game. There’s nothing like Monopoly to bring out people’s true colours. Within an hour, both Olivia and Beth Anne were sitting back watching the two sisters take it in turns to all but bankrupt one another as hotels were acquired and more and more money came into play. When a succession of unlucky rolls led Amanda to land on a string of Kim’s cheaper properties, followed by Boardwalk with a hotel, the game was over.

Amanda grumbled as she had to pack away the board, Kim declaring that her punishment for failing to pay her final debts. Olivia helped her out with tidying up while Kim and Beth Anne started on dinner.

“So, that’s my family,” Amanda said as she pushed the lid closed. “Sorry it’s a bit nuts.”

“All families are a bit nuts but yours seem pretty sane to me,” Olivia replied.

“Sane? Come on, did you just see what happened?”

“Yeah, but Monopoly makes everyone mad. That’s to be expected. It would be weirder if you didn’t turn into sadists while playing that game. You and Kim are ruthless. I admire that in a Monopoly player.”

“But not in a girlfriend generally, right?”

“Well, you are ruthless in areas where it’s a useful trait. I admire the fact that you don’t give up at work until we crack a case. I admire your tenacity when it comes to getting justice for victims. I admire the fact that you fight for what’s right, and what you believe in. I admire your commitment to everything you put your mind to, in fact.”

Amanda smiled and slid across the couch so she was right next to Olivia. “Yeah? Go on.”

“Fishing for more compliments?”

“Everyone likes hearing nice things about themselves, don’t they?”

“I suppose. Ok, seeing as it’s Christmas. I admire your decision to move to New York. Not just because that worked out pretty damn well for me but because I can imagine that it was difficult to leave your family. They clearly love you and I suspect they weren’t too pleased when you first told them.”

“Um, no, they weren’t, truth be told. Plus, I couldn’t tell them about what happened so I think the announcement came out of the blue as far as they were concerned. But since I’ve moved, they’ve been super supportive. Especially after I told them about you. They could tell you make me happy.”

“Oh yeah? Go on, it’s my turn for compliments.”

Amanda rolled her eyes but then climbed onto Olivia’s lap and settled herself there, knees on either side of the older woman’s thighs.

“Amanda, your family are just down the corridor,” Olivia hissed, cheeks colouring at even the idea of being caught.

But the blonde just shrugged. “We’ll hear them coming. Haven’t you worked out that us Rollins are loud? And, believe me, they’ve caught me in more compromising positions on this couch.”

“Well, that’s not something I want to think about. Compliments please,” Olivia requested, hands splayed across the small of Amanda’s back, applying a gentle pressure to encourage the blonde closer.

“Ok, well, you’re a hit with my family. And before you say I’ve not had a chance to ask them what they think, they’ve both texted me saying you’re amazing. Which you are, by the way, so there’s that compliment too. Oh and you’re fucking awesome at your job. You make me want to be a better cop. Actually, you make me a better cop. Working with you has been incredible and I know we won’t be out in the field as much together any more and that makes me sad but the trade off has been worth it.”

“What trade off is that?”

“I may not get Detective Olivia Benson but I get this Olivia Benson,” Amanda replied, spreading her arms to either side to gesture the woman whom she sat astride. “I get to see you without that armour. I get to see the woman behind the badge, the woman with the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met. I get to go home with you, curl up on the couch with you and just be. That’s all I want to do, Liv. I just want to exist with you. Whatever that means, wherever life takes us, I don’t care. As long as we’re together. And I know this is some big stuff and we’re still at the start of this relationship but … ah, fuck it, I was going to wait until Christmas Day to say this but, I love you, Olivia. I think I was falling in love with you even before I knew you were into women. I’m drawn to you in every single way and you make my life better. You make me so happy and when I’m with you, I feel like anything is possible. I feel like everything is possible.”

Amanda fell silent, chewing her bottom lip as she realised the enormity of what she had said. She held Olivia’s gaze for a moment before flicking her eyes to the side, the silence too intense for her to deal with. Olivia’s brain was galloping to try and process everything she’d just heard.

“Well, that was one hell of a compliment.”

A dry laugh broke the silence and Amanda turned back to Olivia, smirking. “Yeah, I guess it was.”

“You were going to wait until Christmas Day to say that?”

“Stupid, right?”

“No, not stupid. It’s sweet, romantic.”

“Yeah, well, I’ve never been a patient person so …”

“Me neither but if I’m honest, I was waiting for you to say it first.”

Amanda blinked. “Say what?”

“I love you too, Amanda.”

A grin spread slowly over Amanda’s face, mirrored by the smile which was plastered over Olivia’s. Their eyes were boring into one another, trying to drink in all of the intensity and passion radiating from the other. And then their lips connected, Olivia surging forward to wrap her arms around Amanda as their mouths duelled, whether for control or for the opportunity to tell the other how they feel, was anyone’s guess.

“I love you so much, Liv,” Amanda whispered, resting her forehead against Olivia’s.

“I’ve never felt like this before,” Olivia admitted. “And that’s scary but it’s also amazing. Just, bear with me, ok? Cos I’m going to make mistakes. I’ve never been that great at relationships.”

“Be patient with me too. I’m not exactly an expert. But I’ve got a good feeling about this, about us.”

“I’ve got a very good feeling about us,” Olivia grinned.

“Yeah, well, I’ve got a feeling that you two are so loved up you’re actually gonna make me throw up at some point during this trip.”

Amanda let out a little squeak and wriggled herself backwards and onto the floor as she looked towards her sister who was standing in the doorway, arms folded.

“Kim, shit, you snuck up on us.”

“Actually, I called from the kitchen but you two are wrapped up in some love bubble which doesn’t allow the outside world to penetrate so, yeah, this is your fault. Anyway, dinner’s ready.”

“Right, great, ok,” Olivia said, standing up and hoping her cheeks would be less red by the time they got to the kitchen. The knowing glint in Kim’s eye when she passed her didn’t help.

Amanda got to her feet and made to follow her girlfriend but Kim stopped her in the doorway.

“What?” Amanda huffed.

“Nothing. I mean, not nothing. Just … you look happy, sis. Like, really happy. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like this before.”

Amanda softened at once. “Yeah, well, I don’t think I’ve been in love before. I mean, I thought I had but turns out I was wrong. What I’ve got with Liv is different to everything I’ve ever experienced and, god, it’s magical Kim. All that fairytale stuff, it’s real, if you find the right person.”

Kim pulled her sister in for a hug, wrapping her arms around her and squeezing her hard. “I’m really happy for you,” she whispered. “Congratulations.”

“Thanks,” Amanda replied, hugging her sister back. “Come on, we’d better go. I don’t want to leave Liv alone with Mama for too long. She’ll get my baby photos out.”

“Oh, that’s a given. After dinner, I’m sure you won’t be able to stop her,” Kim laughed, making her way back to the kitchen.

That was probably true, Amanda mused but she realised, as she walked in to see Olivia sitting beside her mother, the two of them already enjoying a conversation, that she didn’t mind. She was happy for Olivia to see photos of her childhood. She wanted Olivia to know about her childhood, to hear the stories of her family. And she wanted to see Olivia’s baby photos, to hear stories about her mother, about her life in New York as a child, a teenager, a student. She wanted to know everything. She wanted to share everything. And that, she realised, was what they would do over the course of their relationship and, hopefully, their lifetimes together.

She sat down beside Olivia, fingers brushing down the exposed skin on the woman’s neck which made the woman’s breath hitch as she turned towards her girlfriend with a raised eyebrow. “What’s up?”

“Nothing,” Amanda replied. “I just missed you.”

“Missed me? From thirty seconds ago?”

“Yeah,” Amanda said simply.

“Oh,” Olivia smiled.

Amanda leaned forwards and kissed Olivia lightly, ignoring the presence of her mother and sister. “I always miss you, Olivia. Whenever you’re not with me, I miss you. So thank you, for telling me not to give up hope because this, you, us, it was all worth it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: thank you for reading my first ever Rolivia. I have no fic ideas in the pipeline but I do welcome suggestions for this pairing if you’d like to see more. Happy to do one shots based on episodes if there is appetite!

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Ok, this was so not supposed to be a multi chapter fic. It won’t be one of my epic 40 chapter stories, but I’m curious to see where this goes so give it a follow if you’re interested! To all my SwanQueen followers, sorry if this wasn’t what you were looking for. To any new SVU readers, hi! You can follow me on Twitter (swanqueenffuk) and Instagram (swanqueenff) where, I guess, I’ll also be posting SVU stuff now!


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